From Pema Chodron, Comfortable with Uncertainty:

Openness doesn't come from resisting our fears but from getting to know them well. We can't cultivate fearlessnes without compassionate inquiry into the workings of ego. So we ask ourselves, "What happens when I feel I can't handle what's going on? What are the stories I tell myself? What repels me and what attracts me? Where do I look for strength and in what do I place my trust?"

The first thing that takes place in meditation is that we start to see what's happening. Even though we still run away and we still indulge, we see what we're doing clearly. We acknowledge our aversions and our cravings. We become familiar with the strategies and beliefs we use to fortify our cocoon. With mindfulness as our method we start to get curious about what's going on. For quite a long time, we just see it clearly. To the degree that we're willing to see our indulging and our repressing clearly, they begin to wear themselves out. Wearing out is not exactly the same as going away. Instead, a wider, more generous, more enlightened perspective arises.

How we stay in the middle between indulging and repressing is by acknowledging whatever arises without judgment, letting the thoughts simply dissolve, and then going back to the openness of this very moment. That's what we're actually doing in meditation. Up come all these thoughts, but rather than squelch them or obsess with them, we acknowledge them and let them go. Then we come back to just being here.

After a while, that's how we relate with hope and fear in our daily lives. Out of nowhere, we stop struggling and relax. We see our story line, drop it, and come back to the freshness of the present moment.

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The reading I reflected on last night... I realized that I am OBSERVING the indulging and repressing...I am recognizing it when it happens, but I'm not able yet to let the thoughts go without judgment. I am still letting the highs and lows carry me for awhile. I do eventually grab hold and settle in to a liveable place...so it is something I am working on, but I'm not altogether successful yet. One thing Aruni has told me is that it is the process that matters most...the effort and attempt. Its not about perfection.

So all night and all morning I just continually reminded myself, she may not call...there is nothing you can do about it...she may not call. So I don't despair but don't get overly optimistic either.

Yesterday morning I had a dream...my first positive dream that things may work out. I know dreams are just, in many ways, our subconscious working out our issues to help us cope. But it felt nice.

Today I am going for an outdoor nature walk with some friends and then an early dinner. Keeping busy... I have to go to my office to do some work, too so that will be helpful as well.