Sue's recent blog brings to light in my mind exactly what I do for Bill to "cover" the situation. Pre stroke Bill was a real clothes horse. I mean, he had (and still has) more clothes than me. His shirts are starched stiff and he comes from a place where he even had his jeans starched and pressed so heavily they could nearly stand on their own. My thought has always been I don't want to take that away from him because it is something he remembers and holds dear.

I constantly hear from friends and family how "good" Bill looks. Yes, Bill looks good. I make sure he shaves, showers, dresses well because I don't want to take that away from him. He also still wants to get out every day and that is so important for him to maintain any kind of physical wellness. Without a specific objective Bill would not want to get out of bed. Bill's 84 year old mother cannot understand that becaue Bill looks good doesn't mean he is an able-bodied man. Yes, he looks better than he did two years ago. He has regained 20 pounds he lost and "looks" like the former Bill in body stature.

Bill's mother recently called and offered us a trip to Hawaii that a credit card company had offered her. I didn't even tell Bill about it, but of course she mentioned it on Easter Sunday in front of the whole family. He looked at me shocked. I told him - once again - that his flying days are over. Of course he put on the hurt look, but I'm just not in a position to handle the stress involved in meeting the deadlines necessary to make flying possible. Not to mention the exhaustion involved in flying from North Carolina to Hawaii, disabled 190# man in tow - unable to understand why things don't happen immediately, on his schedule. Of course there is no such thing a s a "free trip to Hawaii" anyway - especially related to a credit card company. The cost of a two way ticket to Hawaii pales in comparison to the cost of the motels and food of a week's stay there - especially when they chose the hotel choices the recipient must use to get the airfare paid; prices ranging from $230 - $450/night.

Call this a ranting post. But I have ignored the "emergency contingency plan" issue for two years. Now I have to face the facts that I must do this thing. Even if my husband "looks" great he isn't. He won't be and if I am really a caregiver I will do the elephant in the middle of the living room. I'm sure I'm the last one here to take care of this difficult task because I'm so hard headed and egotistical that I feel I'm the only one who can do the job "right". Oh well, I'm taking a big gulp and moving forward with my project.

I've been listening to all those voices say "he looks so good" and thinking all along "yes, because I make him look great". Why shouldn't the people around us think everything is fine? My days of enabling haven't ended yet.