Again into the abyss!

It's been almost a month, I guess one meltdown per month is not too bad. Must be the hormones. I see now why pride is one of the mortal sins. Mine is literally killing me. I never realized how high on my horse I was until I began the descent. I always knew I was not a beautiful woman. I was not ambitious, talented or even athletic. But I was always just that little bit smarter than the average. I was in that "Top 2%" in all those achievement tests in school. I hugged my SATS close like a talisman, even though I never bothered to go to college. I was so smug. All those pretty girls would get old and ugly, but I would always have my superior brain. Hah! Guess I was not quite as smart as I thought.

I have always been an independant person. I viewed the world in black and white. There were those of us who could cut it in the world and those who couldn't. Givers and Takers. I was a giver. I was too good to need anything from the world. I helped my mother with her housework when she couldn't do it anymore. I helped my father when he was alone, although looking back I guess he hated it as much as I do now. When my husband, children, inlaws, friends needed help, I never thought twice. So why is it so hard to feel needy now?

I have viewed religion with a sort of benign neglect. It was fine if it made people happy, but it was not for me. My spiritual life has been totally introspective. I have never found one single road better than the rest, so I've gone my own way. I only point this out because of an incident this past weekend that I am having trouble coping with.

My porch roof started sagging after the nasty ice storm in february, and the Boro sent me a notice to get it fixed. After a lot of paperwork haggling, I got the materials and my sons and thought I had it covered.

I didn't (surprise)

The nails were too short, the electric saw was dull, there were bugs in the plywood and my sons were at each others throats. I could have done the whole darn thing LAST spring. I've done roofing before (don't ask). But now I have such vertigo I can't even stand on a slope, let alone on a roof. I was at my wits end, but felt confident I would figure something out.

I live in a very small town full of very nice people. I am not very social as a rule, but am casually acquainted with many neighbors. I suspect my problems are no big secret in the community. While I was trying to plan my next move, my son encountered a very sweet lady who came across the street and introduced herself. She was with the Methodist church up the street. She saw my poor son up there on the roof by himself and offered the services of the church to help out. What a sweet lady! What generous neighbors! Why did her offer make me break into tears?

Why is it so much easier to offer charity than to accept it? How do I graciously accept the help of well intentioned people when I need it? Perhaps I have finally come to face the true meaning of acceptance. It is not something I can 'beat'. I can not 'succeed' at acceptance. I can only take it for what it is.

Carol

P.S.

I usually blog only when I need to vent. I'm not really as crazy as I sound :head_hurts: