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I GIVE UP


CagedBird

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i don't know where to begin. I cant stop crying. My left wrist won't stop hurting and Im tired of being this way! I couldn't even get my teeth fixed at the dentist because of the way I am. I cant do anything I want to do! Each year I think I will be back to normal after a new birhjday and surprise everyone when I go back to school but each year Im still gere doing the same things I was doing 5 years ago! I just dont understand! I mean Im happy to say I survived a stroke but why cant I be back to normal by now! Its not fair. I try so hard! No one understands! When my right arm is itching, I cant scratch it. When Im tired of being stuck in my room, I cant just get up a drive somewhere to clear my mind. I hate to even go for a walk because it only reminds me thats thats all I ever be able to do. I made so many goals back in 2001 when I was an inpatient in rehab. I thought I would be back to normal in no time. Almost 6 years later I am exactly the same only Ive learned to use my right hand to do the things my left hand never will be able to do! I get so tired of all the doctors appointments! I get tired of having to get my parents to drive me to my appointments then sit there until Im done then take my home. All I want is independence! I just want to drive if nothing else. But I guess thats too much to ask for. Anyway I am a danger to the road. I know I cant see so whats the point in even trying to change the doctors' mind. I'll always live life unaware of whats to my left side. I'll always have to wear my brace on my leg everywhere I go. There will always be someone tapping me on my shoulder to get my attenton since I cant see them. There wiill always be someone either asking me if I need help or watching me struggle to do things on my own. Yes it hurts to give up but it hurts even more to try and fail over and over again! Some things in life never change and I guess this is on of those things. I cant even remember how it feels to look straight ahead and know whats to my left! I cant even remember what its like to clap my hands or wiggle my toes! That dumb surgeon made the slightest mistake and now Im scarred for life! He gets to go on with his life able bodied and worry free making hundreds of thousands of dollars each year while I lay hear and drown myself in tears over the mistake he made! My doctor goes on with his stupid life driving his fancy car after he tells the dmv i shouldnt drive. Who is he to take away my right to freedom? What have I done to be denied the priviledge to not be on the road? I haven't driven drunk. I haven't been in an accident. I never broke the law but yet I am not given the priviledge to drive over something I can not change and never will be able to! Yes I can show my doctor that I can turn a steering wheel only using one hand but I can not show him that I can see a car coming into my lane while I am looking straight ahead. So I give up! I give up on everything! I try so hard! Theres not one thing I've been faced with that I did not give up on without aleast trying. I took the driver's ed! I exercise my hand! I do the research! I make the appointments with my doctors! but im realizing it is all pointless! Anyway Im done crying like a baby and complaining about things I cant change plus my right hand is hurting just as much as my left hand was from all this typing. Im not asking for comments because there is really nothing you can do to change my situation but if ou know how it feels not to be able to use one of your hands, not to be able to move one of your feet, or not to be able to see on one side, then maybe I will listen to what you have to say.

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Ok little one. Yes you have been dealt a crappy hand... Most of us didn't have stroke enter our lives until much later than you. So we have had jobs, driving, etc. We all have worked hard in therapy, some of us got more back than others. We all have the occosinal "pity party" we miss things we used to do..

We have had "friends" abandon us . Miss many things also. but we find alternative ways.. I cannot run and play tag with my grand kids.. so we sit and do crafts or read books, they crawl up and snuggle as I can no longer pick them up.

 

You have your life and school ahead of you.. If you go around with I can't attitude, and this chip on your shoulder, you will not be making many friends. There are people who are blind. . they cannot drive.. many here can no longer drive. Many cities have free bus passes or transportation for the disabled. Can you get a motorized wheel chair or scooter for school?

 

You can blame someone else all you want. But the fact is this happened... do you have a counselor? Maybe you need an anti depressant to help. Yes you have a disability.. you are not alone in that. But you have opportinuties ahead of you. You are a survivor.. and this is NOT going to go away. Maybe you should see about changing Dr's. since you are blaming the one you see for your condition. Giving up is not a good thing. .. you need to be "pro active" in your recovery.. you may still make improvement.. not 100% and recovry goes on, sometimes it is so small or subtle you are not even aware of it.

 

Have you talked to OT or PT about using some of the new devices for movement.. or how to help your haand so it is not in so much pain?

 

Come on little one.. This is your life.. fight for it.

 

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No-one can change any of our situations and yes, it does suck. I won the typing award at school with the highest typing speed and now I'm typing with one index finger, so that frustrates me. I don't have any words of wisdom and I haven't been fighting as long as you have but all of us can relate in one way or another. Giving up is not the way to go. Hang in there girlfriend - you are stronger than you think you are. I think talking to a professional might help you - it would be someone to rant and rave to. <<<<HUGS>>>>

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I still think you gotta take one day at a time, you and I are the young and the old survivors of this thing called brain attack, we are in fact still ALIVE.

 

Then look at the other end of the scale, some are born not being able to walk and or disable ALL their lives. My thoughts are I still got some things I can do on my own just like you can.

 

I'm thankful for that and I want you to be thankful too. I had to even learn how to use a computer, but what about the people who have no use off or no arms at all.

 

Yes, it's true, one day we could become more restored in our functions than where we are today, lets keep our faith in God for our lives, OK?

 

I know how it feels to not be able to do all those things, especially being older and slower anyway besides the effects a stroke leaves you without.

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I believe my husband, Gary, could identify quite well with what you are feeling. The difference being at his age he had a full career and was lucky enough to have enough years in the union that he could draw his retirement. Before his stroke at age 56, he was the picture of health and could work circles around people half his age. He was the organizer of all the family picnics and volleyball games, he worked hard at his job and at taking care of his Dad's place when his Dad could no longer do it, he loved fishing, camping, hiking, hunting, etc. I guess you could call him an all-around sportsman. Since his stroke 6/1/04, he can't do any of those things. He is right side affected, and cannot even transfer to his wheelchair without some assistance (no balance or motor control). Many times he sits and cries "why me?" He feels that his life is over and there is no hope, and I become exhausted trying to continue to motivate him, but I also understand how frustrating it must be for him that he can no longer do anything for himself (including not able to feed himself since he has no motor control with his "good" hand).

 

Your life has been turned upside down, inside out, topsy turvey, however you want to see it, but that doesn't mean that your life is over. You pull yourself up by your bootstraps, and learn to adjust to a new way of life, however frustrating it may be. I tell my husband his purpose in life isn't complete, so he has to hang on until he's completed it. When he asks what that purpose is, I tell him he hasn't driven me completely insane with his crying yet, therefore he has to continue to work at getting better so that when he does drive me completely crazy, then he will be able to care for him as I have had to care for him since his stroke. :bouncing_off_wall:

 

Sarah

 

 

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Katrina:

 

I will tell you one thing disability does suck mine happened when I was at peak of my career, & stroke happened, yes I lost my left hand to it, and ability to run,dance and be mother of my 10 yr old child, just yesterday I was in dumps thinking I should have died that day, but one of my friend told me hey you still have choice of life, so many people die at young age leaving their kids behind, I still have a choice to live my life and I have to decide how would we all live it just by crying or accepting our fate and making best out of our situation. agreed not able to drive stinks but u r fortunate that you have family members who r taking you everywhere, and think about if you get into accident & hurt some other person will that b worth the driving. Right now you have whole life ahead of you, tell yourself you can get through this, & start counting your blessings I feel so blesed that I can walk atleast have my dignity.

 

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Katrina, our dear sweet Katrina,

 

I have been a survivor for 2 1//2 years compared to your 6 years. I have my vision bit do not have usage of my left arm or hand or left leg and foot. I can motor around the house without my hemiwalker as long as I'm wearing my AFO. I did have a successful career in Social Services - I admit I was a workaholic. At the time I had the stroke, I was and still am a single Mom. My daughter was 12 when the stroke hit. Honestly, it stinks at times being the disabled Mom as I can't do the things with her I used to do. But, we've actually grown closer in the last 2 1/2 years - she always knows I'll be here when she gets in from school.

 

Just as I and many many others, you were chosen as a SURVIVOR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You have a purpose here on this earth that you need to fulfill.

 

Please seek professional help AND change doctors if need be. Remember....we love you.

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Karina

You are a beautiful young lady, and I am so sorry you have to bear this burden at such a young age. I have heard of infants in the womb having a stroke. For me, one of my biggest joys is my dog Teddy. He is a wonderful friend, and taking care of him is a great distraction for me. I celibrated my 3rd anniversary yesterdy (it was also my birthday), I say celibrate because I too am a survivor. Last year I just wanted to be alone, but that isn't good. I had a very good friend come over and she nd my Teddy just had a good time.

I had a friend who had polio as a child many years ago, it was very difficult for him. He would spend months away at St Jude's. At times he had a very bulky brace, but he hung in there. I haven't seen him in years. My foundest memory of him is he beat me at tennis :Argh:

I too have lost friends, as many others have. But I don't want to be around anyone who tells me can't. That is a word I try to avoid.

Take care, you have found the best site for support and friendship. BTW, keep a good sense of humor!

Doug

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Hi Katrina,

 

My stroke issues are not the same as yours but I have my own why nots. You do have a future, you are smart, get a good education and a great job and have a personal driver. Could you imagine? How much fun that would be riding around with your own driver. I think I would make that one of my goals.

 

Kind regards,

Dickons

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I am so sad that you are feeling so stuck! Trust me, all of us get mired in th quicksand from time to time. You are so young and I am not. Tell you what, I'm going to sprinkle you with pixie dust! Close your eyes and imagine the beautiful irridescent dust floating all around you, catching the light from all of the people who care about you.

 

Amazing, I've been in the dumps lately and you have lifted me up.

 

My mom had one crippled arm from childhood polio and there was nothing she couldn't do. Her advice to you would have been

:laughbounce:

"You can do everything anyone else can do - you just have to find a different way to do it."

 

My thoughts and prayers are with you.

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You aren't human if don't have seriously krappy days every now and then...I know I am not in the same situation as you, but I have my share of "It just isn't fair days." I had many more of them prior to gettin on an anti-depressant. I just want you to know that I am praying for and thinking of you often.

 

susan

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katrina, i am so sorry you feel so blue, we all have those days from time to time. you are so young to have to experience this but i too cannot use my arm and my leg and foot don't work all of the time, i wear a brace and don't drive, nor do i want to. living with this disability is bad enough and i wouldn't want to hurt someone else in an accident, so i choose to accept my limitations now but that doesn't mean i won't get better someday with all the research going on now about stroke and recovery. NEVER GIVE UP. try and improve what you can. hang in there little one, things will get better, enjoy what you can do. look into trying to get a motorized scooter so you can get out more on your own.

i wish you better days ahead.

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I will never know exactly what you are going through, nor you me, yes I lost my entire left side, have gotten limited movement back but feeling still not good, I have to watch to be sure I don't hurt it, but I am 54 not young as you are. you will never be like you were and you are right it is not fair, every time I start feeling sorry for myself I see in my mind a small girl I met 30 something years ago, she was maybe 3 or 4, her father had set her on fire and she had no toes fingers or ear on one side. what differences does that make you ask, I think with all the physical problems I have I have one thing to be thankful for, no one deliberately inflicted this on me, nor you, you say Dr made mistake, yet you judge what he feels, I know it was not intentions, and if you regain any use of these things no one will deliberately try to take them away from you. today is the first day of the rest of your life. I hope you find a church or someone who can help you find the lord. this world is not nearly as heartless and cruel as you have experienced, if I could I would adopt you to live here in Texas and take you to my church. everyone is so loving, your right you may never be able to drive, but if you were given license then had accident that killed someone would you be able to just come and go as you please. so yes you will need to make sure you are safe. I would have a whole lot less empathy if you were willing to sacrifice someone else so you will feel better. whether you believe it or not I do care about you. I try to read your blog, unless my brain decides otherwise. I admire that you are going on with school. anytime you want to even talk on phone pm me and we will see if we can make that happen.

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