I used to teach school in the inner city of Little Rock, a neighborhood infested with gangs,drugs, and violence. I can remember teaching and being very pregnant,concerned about what Madeline may think the outside world was like. I hated to raise my voice being pregnant,in fear it would frighten her and cause her to develop anxiety. I had this one little boy,who would walk into the room each morning and hug my belly and say good morning Madeline. The same little boy who teachers sighed over the reading of his name when they looked at my list of students for the year. "The school's headache", who was my sweet angel. He was given the role as a caregiver at an early age. He would be doing his work,and come up to my desk, with a pale look on his face and say,"Mrs. Sullivan, I think I forgot to give my grandma her medicine this morning." I would pull out my cell phone out of my purse and let him use it to call his g-ma to see if he had or not. He was being raised by his g-ma b/c his mother had been murdered on his front porch when he was only 2yrs old. One the last day of school I received a gift from him, an old faded polaroid of him and his mother. He was so proud to give it to me, I had to take it, and smile and thank him very much. Little does he know, I will give that pic back to him again one day. I loved teaching at that school, it was the worst in the district where they stuck a lot of the rookies at. I stayed 2 yrs.and transferred schools b/c of the administration and lack of consistant discipline. When I did eventually end up transferring schools, I went from a school with bad kids and great co-workers,to a school with good kids and snobby co workers. At my new school I did miss the kids who needed me emotionally and the unconditional love. I only had maybe 2 at-risk kids a yr. at my new school, I loved to watch them bloom into pre 4th graders during the yr.

I loved building trust with students and getting them to have a safety net to fall on during the yr. That was a good thing and a bad thing. Once I had this little girl,who told me she needed to talk to me at recess. I knew it would not be a positive story but she needed to talk to me anyways, it turned out to be a very sad home sit, with sexual abuse,of course that makes me liable to report such information to DHS.

One of the many success factors, I did get out of my old job, was not how good of grades they got, it was if I was a teacher they could talk to about private issues.

Maybe I was in the wrong profession? I would like to get retrained in psychology, pays, not good is the only bad thing, and you would have to work summers! I was in graduate school for school counseling when I had my stroke, but I don't know if I want to continue that or not? I am scared of the stress,and what if stress caused my stroke? I really just need to pray that God will lead me to where his will for my life will be. In the mean-time while I am waiting for his reveal, I plan on volunteering at my dd school. In college I was big into volunteering.I was in my "I can change the world phase" I volunteered to make house visits and retrain parents who were abusive to their children, I volunteered at the Children's hospital in the oncology playroom. I would go into the children's rooms and try to get them out of their beds to play with the other cancer survivors,or if they were too sick, I would play with them at bedside. I would give their parents a break, or be emotional support during their chemo treatment. I really enjoyed my time there, but since I am a mommy, I don't think I could do it again,I would feel the parents pain more, plus it would be a commute for me to volunteer. I also volunteered at the local Women's Shelter. It turned out, not to be the type of volunteering job, I signed up for. I was just free help to unclutter storage sheds. I was wanting one-on-one-help with the women.

I need to start networking in my home-town, b/c nobody knows me here, I spent the last 5 yrs. teaching and getting to know a community where I didn't live. Networking is a perfect time to get to know important people I would need to know if I ever wanted to get a job, in the political, non diverse suburb, in which I live. I have spoken to a class of OT students at the local college, since stroke to tell"My story" and gave pointers on how to interact/socialize with stroke survivors. I also went to free therapy there and the senior students worked with me with the professor supervising. That is some of the best therapy I have gotten post-stroke yet! I would recommend calling up your local OT college and volunteering to be a guinea pig! I have been dodging their PT school, b/c PT is/was not my fav. therapy.

Oh yes, The title to my blog, and the meaning. I totally got off track. Sorry. I taught when the popular R&B song " Sorry Miss Jackson", by Outcast was popular,and just one of my kids would say"I'm sorry Mrs. Sullivan, then all would chime in togrther"Who,Who, Who.. Who.. I am fur real. Never meant to make your daughter cry, I apologize a million times." Thinking about that brings a big smile on my face.

Now I have got to go and listen to the song!

Mile stone for me today. I was able to walk 3 miles with my family,instead of barely going 1 mile:)

-Amy