I have been undergoing tests at the University Medical Center in the city 50 miles away from my home to try and unravel the mystery of why I cannot get better and have actually gotten worse with my side effects from my last stroke. I am very scared because most of the tests are very painful and invasive and I am tired of being the brave patient.

I want my healthy body back before the strokes!!

I know that it is wishful thinking to say that but that's how I feel tonite.

I have to undergo more tests and I have been having nightmares that I will be unable to stop the tests from being a permanent part of every day. Kind of like a never-ending deja-vu type thing.

They still don't know what's causing the decline but I tell them I'm worried about not being independent anymore. I have already lost so much to these strokes, my car, my job, my house, my self-esteem, my relationship, and I want something to not be taken away from me. My independence!!