wow I haven't blogged in so long everything looks so different. So much has happend; some good some bad. I guess I will start with the bad first. Last weekend I had my biggest break down since ...I can't remember. It was my fall break so I was supposed to go home, take a break, and spend time with my family. However, it was also my stroke anniversary. I knew if I would have gone home, being in that same room in that same house that I tried to harm myself at so many times, that room I shed so many tears in, I did not want to go back. I hate being stuck at home on my stroke anniversary because it just brings back horible memories. So instead I stayed in my apartment on campus. but all my roommates went home and my ex boyfriend dumped me on the first day of the break. Ouch. I cried all weekend. I even started a blog but I did not finish it because my head was hurting from crying. It was basically a hate letter to stroke naming all the things I cant do that I wish I could. What made things worst of all was that I had no one to talk to or hang out with to divert my attention from thinkig about my stroke, thus, I felt even worse. Do you ever get so frustrated you just want to move your paralyzed limb SO bad and you sit here and try and try and ry but NOTHING happens! That is the worst feeling. Needlesss to say, I had a horrible fall break. I did write a poem though after it was over. It's called "One Wish."

If I had one wish I'd go back in time

to 10/17/01, so clear in my mind.

Id watch music videos that day and do one last dance

I'd go to revival at church that night and clap my hands.

I'd play tennis at the park, then go swimming

When it looked like it was getting dark, I'd restart the day from the beginning

I'd buy a pair of flip flops and walk around in them all day

Do cartwheels and ride bikes with neighbors outside as we play

jump on the trampolene and race with my friends

pray to God this day never ends.

I'd play handgames with my cousins, then we'd do our nails

Feel the texture of my hair, put it in ponytails.

Play basketball with my brother and videogames all day

put my hands together when I got on my knees that night to pray.

You see, after that night, my life would never be the same

A week in intensive care, 8+ surgeries on the brain.

a month at UNC then a month at Cape Fear,

the docs told me I'd be back to normal in a year.

6 months in rehab and the only thing I learned to do was walk

now 8 years later, my progress has come to a halt

I wish it I knew I was getting better,

but the docs tell me this is as good as I well get.

well docs I may not be perfect, but God isn't finished with me yet!

Now time for the good news. Well I spoke at a Disability Employment Awareness Month luncheon. I talked about how well I was treated at my job over the summer and how I was not discriminated because of my disabilities. The luncheon really made me feel good to be in a room full of people who are Department of the Army civilians who look up to me! They have all the success that I want, yet they admire me. It made me feel really awesome

Oh yeah I made all As on my midterms. I know I am putting this under the good news section but this had me down too. Its like I bust my butt trying to make straight As to make everyone proud and its like nobody even cares. Its like I do so well at everything I do, that people just expect me to do great. I also got an award for undergraduate of the year in the state of North Carolina for my sorority but once again all I got was a congratulations. I jst wish I got more than a pat on the back for such big accomplishments. Well I am just going to stop at that. I have to get up early in the morning. It is Homecoming and I will be riding in the parade again in less than 8 hours so goodnight.