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CagedBird

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im really upset right now. i was studying but i couldnt hold the book open and take notes at the same time. i turned the tv off because i was tired of seeing people living my dreams. why cant i put my hair up like the lady on tv? why cant i wear the high heels? i cant walk like her. i got so upset i threw the remote threw the books and threw my brush. its just frustrating. its like being the dumbest kid in the school. everyone is better than me. they all have something i want that i will never be able to get. i just cant even remember how it feels to use my hand to walk straight, to see in my peripheral. its soo frustrating. when i get to feeling this way what do i do? i dont have a bestfriend, i dont have a boyfriend. my other friends are not close to me so i cant talk to them about personal things. i dont want to talk to God because I will only end up complaining. all i can do is blog which usually makes me feel worse and doesnt give me any immediate relief since i have to wait for comments to my entry. i wish i could just feel how it feels to be non-stroke. how is it that i do so much with my right hand but my left is useless. i know people who had stroks when they were 2 and stroke when they was 32 and they bth walk better than me. why can i do it in my dreams but i cant do it in real life? my grandma asked me if i have been exercising my arm. i wanted to tell her to put a sock in it. it doesnt matter how much i exercise. IM BRAIN DAMAGED FOR LIFE. that will never change. the only thing i can do is move my leg just enough to walk. and i dont even walk right. i cant do anything right. i feel so discouraged. im graduating next year but i cant go anywhere. i been thinking about grad school for the longest but tonight i dont even care. i cant live on my own. i cant drive. i cant even push the buggy in the grocery store or hold my clothes when shopping. how will i ever live independently? i just hope i die soon so i can finally see what its like to be prestroke again.

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Oh dear how very black the hole you have fallen in is. I am so sorry you are feeling like this right now. I sometimes feel the same but mine is: "Why can't Ray and I do all those things we planned to do, why are our friends living OUR dreams?"

 

And for us as for you the answer is:"what is done is done, now accept." a very hard answer for me, and perhaps even worse for you.

 

So what do we do? I guess it is to learn to look at what we have, not what others have. We do our best with what we've got. Or in my case make the most of what Ray can still do. Ray walks funny, he falls and I pick him up, he tires and I push him in the wheelchair. Not the life he would have chosen when he was such a vibrant and active man ten years ago.

 

I never had the perfect body, the best smile,the cutest nose and I could never do my hair the way the tv presenters do, BUT I am kind, friendly and loved by some of those people who really count in my life. As I am sure you are too. You, Katrina, ARE BEAUTIFUL.

 

I never had that optomistic spirit I see in Asha so like you I struggle to make sense of my world. I'll pray you also one day make sense of yours too.

 

(((HUgs))) from Sue.

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It's obvious you are upset by something or somebody. What you can't do yesterday is the same as last year or when ever. The point I'm making is you were very young when the stroke happened but we all go through the same thing. I'm 68 now going on 6 years in January.

 

So many things I can't do with my left hand and like you I'm right handed and Black but I want to live. My wife does many things to help me, but I can do enough to get by. Walking is my worse setback now but I got a scooter so I still go out shopping or where ever I want.

 

I have no friends come in, I have the TV, the computer, my wife, a 5 y.o grand daughter who wants me to replace the batteries in her toys, go outside with her riding the bike or driving her little car. I exercise my left side daily but it still doesn't seem to work right.

 

I walk across the street to get the mail and can't hold it, dropping it, my grand daughter pick it up. I walk with a quad cane, I can't get down the stairs now without putting both feet on each step. You just got to accept this happened to us, not you alone, and we have to do the best we can with what we got left.

 

You are in my prayers young lady!

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katrina, you are not the same as before, you can get better and can't give up in achieving that goal. you have come so far already. i don't think you have accepted how you are now, you are younger than most of us, and youth aides in recovery. we may always need help, but so what. other survivors may regain more than you because everyone is different. i use my affected arm as a paperweight to hold things down. you might be brain-damaged for life, but that doesn't mean you cannot do things. look at other brain damaged people, but they are able to teach themselves another way to do things. you are letting your stroke eat you up from the inside out. try beating it instead of giving into it. it wasn't a death sentence when you had it because you are among other survivors now for a reason. i cannot walk right either, but i can walk, speak, and do many things for myself, which took alot of hard work to get there. we can always complain katrina, but where does it get us. we need to be thankful for what we have now. christmas is coming, hopefully that will lift your spirits. please try to be happy katrina, you have your whole life in front of you and things can get better if you work towards it and NEVER GIVE UP HOPE. you have family and friends that love you and probably hate seeing you being so hard on yourself.

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hey Katrina:

 

I am sorry you are not feeling great today. as some one told me once even those tv personalities & size 2 models also have bad days. not every day has to be good day & I m sure witout bad days we will never appreciate good days. As I see it, you are still that smart Katrina wit beautiful smile & vibrant oersonality. you don't have to believe every thought you think of. most of the times our negative thoughts creates most of the suffering in our life. you atill have so much to be thankful in your life.As I see it from here I see so much potential in you. So what you can't use your left hand & can't wear heels. but look at how far you have come. we all need to accept our today & make best out of our current situation.

 

hugs

Asha

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Hi Katrina.

 

I understand why you are so bitter and sad because of all the things you mentioned. You are so young and have your whole life ahead of you. Strokes are supposed to happen to old people like me.

 

But you shouldn't spend the rest of your life being angry. You have to find a way to let go of the anger and work towards acceptance. This has happened - now what are you going to do about it. You are a strong young lady and you can do it.

 

If I were you, I would work on your walking gait. Be happy you can walk and spend some time each day smoothing out your steps. Don't move too fast and let go of the negative thinking about your walking.

 

Also, find little things to work your arm. For instance, I have begun using my left arm to set and release the brake on my wheelchair. It's a small thing, but I think my arm is beginning to catch on. LOL You see, I cannot walk so I must rely on a wheelchair. See how fortunate you are?

 

And you can write poetry. I envy anyone who can do that.

 

I am glad you feel comfortable coming here to vent where you have lots of aunties and uncles - and at least one grandma.

 

Vi

 

 

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Katrina,

 

Think of the numerous times you've hit dark rough spots like this. When all is said and done the shining, beautiful, intelligent, strong, young woman reemerges refreshed to forge ahead to

accomplish far more than the peers she felt she might not measure up.

Want to little glimpse of where you may be going in the future? All you need to do is take a

look at the list of your awards and accomplishments over the past 4 years to which I'm sure

June will bring many more. As you do bear in mind most were earned through the difficult

pits of blog times such as this when you were sure you couldn't measure up and would surely fail.

Not only do you not fail, but rise above the crowd to be acclaimed. Keep chugging along

sweetheart the world is yours; it may just be hard to see the forest for the trees right now.

 

Anytime you need to vent or want to talk you can always call me or email so you don't

have to wait for comments.

 

Love ,

 

Maria :mwah:

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Katrina,

 

I hope today is better for you; I found this poem, I hope it helps :hug:

 

 

 

God Knows

 

When you are tired and discouraged from fruitless efforts...

God knows how hard you have tried.

 

When you've cried so long and your heart is in anguish...

God has counted your tears.

 

If you feel that your life is on hold and time has passed you by...

God is waiting with you.

 

When you're lonely and your friends are too busy even for a phone call...

God is by your side.

 

When you think you've tried everything and don't know where to turn...

God has a solution.

 

When nothing makes sense and you are confused or frustrated...

God has the answer.

 

If suddenly your outlook is brighter and you find traces of hope...

God has whispered to you.

 

When things are going well and you have much to be thankful for...

God has blessed you.

 

When something joyful happens and you are filled with awe...

God has smiled upon you.

 

When you have a purpose to fulfill and a dream to follow...

God has opened your eyes and called you by name.

 

Remember that wherever you are or

whatever you are facing...GOD KNOWS

 

 

 

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It is okay to feel the feelings sometimes. Please let yourself just wallow in them for a set amount of time. Let yourself really delve into that bitterness, anger, and frustration. When your time is up, make a plan.

 

Yes, you are brain damaged, big deal - so am I. That doesn't mean anything if you fight for what you want back. Brain plasticity means that the brain cells that controlled your arm/leg/whatever are dead, but that other cells can pick up that function - you have to teach them. It is a long process.

 

This is a marathon, a triathlon - not a sprint. Measure out your energy and make it last. You can get whatever function you want back. You are young and can retrain other brain cells to pick up the slack of the dead ones.

 

You can do this!

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