hate
im really upset right now. i was studying but i couldnt hold the book open and take notes at the same time. i turned the tv off because i was tired of seeing people living my dreams. why cant i put my hair up like the lady on tv? why cant i wear the high heels? i cant walk like her. i got so upset i threw the remote threw the books and threw my brush. its just frustrating. its like being the dumbest kid in the school. everyone is better than me. they all have something i want that i will never be able to get. i just cant even remember how it feels to use my hand to walk straight, to see in my peripheral. its soo frustrating. when i get to feeling this way what do i do? i dont have a bestfriend, i dont have a boyfriend. my other friends are not close to me so i cant talk to them about personal things. i dont want to talk to God because I will only end up complaining. all i can do is blog which usually makes me feel worse and doesnt give me any immediate relief since i have to wait for comments to my entry. i wish i could just feel how it feels to be non-stroke. how is it that i do so much with my right hand but my left is useless. i know people who had stroks when they were 2 and stroke when they was 32 and they bth walk better than me. why can i do it in my dreams but i cant do it in real life? my grandma asked me if i have been exercising my arm. i wanted to tell her to put a sock in it. it doesnt matter how much i exercise. IM BRAIN DAMAGED FOR LIFE. that will never change. the only thing i can do is move my leg just enough to walk. and i dont even walk right. i cant do anything right. i feel so discouraged. im graduating next year but i cant go anywhere. i been thinking about grad school for the longest but tonight i dont even care. i cant live on my own. i cant drive. i cant even push the buggy in the grocery store or hold my clothes when shopping. how will i ever live independently? i just hope i die soon so i can finally see what its like to be prestroke again.
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