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Acceptance? or Faith? (Picture included)


CagedBird

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Since my last entry, I have been really trying to go to church more and get closer to God. I found a new church that I have been visiting. I love it. The people are so friendly and I feel right at home. My church is a holiness pentecostal church so everyone gets the holy ghost and there is a lot of dancing and clapping which makes me feel left out and like I cant really praise God like everyone else. but at the new church i have been visiting it is non-denominational and it is a mixed congregation so its not predominantly gospel music and I can just lift my hand or sway side to side and it feels great because I don't feel bad anymore. The pastor has been preaching about joy. One thing I learned from him is that earthly things can not bring you joy, they can only bring you temporary happiness. and don't concentrate on one thing because God can bless you in other ways. I have mostly everything I want but when I pray I cant help but think of my stroke. I always pray that I will be able to clap my hands in church one day but maybe God is telling me I dont have to clap my hands to praise him? I pray that I will walk straight but maybe God is saying me walking with a limp is testimony and encouragement for others? I dont know what to pray. Do I pray for acceptance that this is the way I will be until God is ready to change me? Or do I pray for faith that with exercise and healing from God one day I will be able to do the things I pray for? I really don't know. I am out of school now for my break and I am trying not to get depressed (as I always get depressed when I sit idle thinking of negative thoughts). so lately I have been looking at my arm a lot. I concentrate so much on it. My limp isnt so bad. Most people ask me if I got hurt so Im guessing I dont walk like I had a stroke. My vision cant be fixed since it is brain nerve damage and nothing wrong with my actual eyes. but my arm really gets on my nerves. Not only can I not use my hand but I cant even straighten out my wrist or my arm when I walk especially during cold weather. Here is a pic. (I am wearing blue and black)

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This is a picture of me and my sorority sisters at their graduation yesterday. When I see the pic I should think of my sisters, graduation, happiness, smiles. but when I look at it all I can see is my arm. I hate to remind myself that my arm looks like this to everybody. I cant feel it and I cant see it since its on my left side so I never realize what it looks like to other people but looking at this pic made me really sad. I knew my arm is not completely straight all the time but I never realized it looked like that and what makes it so bad is it was 40 degrees that day so I couldnt straighten it out if I wanted to because it was so stiff. I just dont know what to do. I put my wrist in the brace but my fingers hurts when I take it out and its so hard to get it on that its just frustrating. I try to straighten my arm when I walk but I guess I cant do two things at once because it always make me lose my balance. When I go to the doctor the only thing he can suggest is botox but I hate getting botox because it is so painful and I never see the benefits. I am starting to question this baclofen I have been taking for two years now too. I dont see what difference it is making. I guess I should just pray that God gives me the ability to accept myself the way I am. I just dont want to feel like Im settling and giving up because I know that he has the power to heal and deliver. What do you guys pray?

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Katrina:

 

acceptance will bring so much peace in your life & it is not giving up. It is just accepting the way things are today & still enjoying the way today is. I am not christian. but I like to take from every religion whatever gives me peace. Every morning I listen to JoyceMeyer's christian ministry from 7 to 7:30. Last week she was talking about overcoming depression. read getting unstuck book. anyways sometimes God does not give us what we want in our time but in HIS time. but it's important for us to make that journey pleasurable while waiting for God's healing. Now that's the faith believing in his TIME. I am sorry in that pretty picture of you I could not locate your left arm since I was looking at your brilliant smile & courage. So don't worry about what others think. I believe acceptance & faith goes hand in hand. accept your today & have a faith that universe is out there to get good in your life.

 

hugs,

Asha

 

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As you look at this picture, are you the one on the left side with cap and gown or right holding papers? I ask that cause a hand is out of place with the third person from the left side. I just don't see how the right hand can be up making the sign and the other hand not on the left side of the body.

 

Please tell me?

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Pray for peace within yourself. Pray for the courage to never give up trying to improve. Pray that you will be able to celebrate every accomplishment you make, big or small. Pray you will still love yourself even when you think you have failed.

 

These are the things we should all pray for, regardless if we have had a stroke or not. Life is a journey and it's never easy. Everyone's journey is unique and it is theirs alone. If you compare your journey to someone elses you are doing a disservice to yourself (the grass isn't always greener).

 

Acceptance isn't about quitting or giving up. It's about saying "I am who I am, and I will always aspire to be better".

 

Kristen

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Katrina:

 

I can understand your frustration with your stroke. You are young and really questioning the 'results' of your stroke. God does have you in his 'great out-stretched hands'.

 

I understand the struggles that you are facing in school. I've been there also. However, I am much older than you. My stroke was in June 26, 1998, when I was 46 years old. In February 1999, I attended a 16-month program to become a chef. I have NO feeling on my entire left side and I am also numb on the same side. I can count on two fingers the number of times I cut myself in 16 months.

 

YES, I wanted to quit school, YES, studying for tests was difficult, YES my classmates thought that I was 'wasting time' since I was so slow. Even my chef Instructor told me that I would never be a good chef.

 

I persisted, I made adjustments in my cooking and preparations, I did pass my tests and YES, I did graduate in June 2000, with honors. My GPA was 3.85. When my name was called, my classmates gave me a standing ovation.

 

I say all of this, to say that God will be 'walking alongside you' as you go about your daily activities. Shortly after my stroke, two close friends gave me the Bible Verse of Jeremiah 29:11. The verse states: "For I know the plans I have for you", declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future". This IS my life verse and I really, really believe that God has given me that promise to continue with life.

 

Keep your chin up, take time to seek out the promises that God is giving to you. Ask ladies from your church to help you 'grow' and ask if they could be a mentor to you. I know you can go far, achieve whatever you put your mind to, and that you may be content with the life you are living. It may not be the life you wanted, but with God's strength, He can make all things possible, to those who believe.

 

 

Denny

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