I feel so overwhelmed right now. I don't know what to do. Ever since Oct, I have been concentrating on my arm more. My toes dont really bother me and people say my limp is not so noticeable. but my arm has really been bothering me. I guess it is a mixture of my 8 year stroke anniversary, the upcoming new year, and the cold weather. It makes me want to do better. I just wish I could see some progress. As I stated in my last entry, I am out of school right now so I have been concentrating more on my arm. (By the way, I was the 3rd person from the left in the picture wearing the blue shirt and black pants. My right arm was doing the sign and my left arm was bent). Anyway, usually when I am on a break from school I get sad and depressed but this time I have not. I have friends to hang out with and I am supposed to be traveling to Georgia after Christmas. Instead of feeling sad, I have felt slightly motivated and determined to make my fingers moved and straighten my arm. but this has backfired on me. The other night I put my hand splint on and tried to go to sleep. I told myself I would not take it off until I fell asleep. It would be my first step in recovery. If I could make it through that night, I could begin to wear it every night, stretch out the muscles, wear it in the daytime (for 2 hour increments), and with a little faith and exercise my arm would be straight, my wrist would be straight, and my fingers wouldnt hurt anymore. BUT, I could not keep the splint on. After crying and praying for an hour, I decided I just could not fall asleep in so much pain and took it off. Later I read a label that said the splint should only be applied by a trained professional. On top of that, I can not find my other wrist support that Im supposed to wear when not wearing the splint. It just feels like the odds are stacked against me. Therapy did not work, botox did not work, the baclofen doesnt really make a difference, and home exercises just seem painful and pointless. I just feel so overwhelmed like no matter what I try, it does not work. So I went to church. What I understand from the church is all I need is faith. but this makes me beat myself up even more. How do I acquire this magical belief which makes anything happen if you just want it bad enough? Its so easy to just say this is how I will be for the rest of my life and just accept it and live with the depression. but it is so hard to say I have faith that I will regain strength in my weaknesses when you see know progress and no results. Did I mention the DMV medical review board denied me of a license again? After my doctor recommended I get a license and I passed the driver's test, I still got denied. Once again, no matter how hard I try, I never get what I want when it comes to the stroke. I just feel like whats the point in trying if its never going to happen? but at the same time everytime I do exercise, pray, have faith, e.t.c, I never see progress. It all makes me so overwhelmed!

I know you all like to remind me of the good things in life and my grades and stuff but I dont need those reminders right now. I am not depressed. I am thankful for the good things in life. I just feel overwhelmed like Im so close to my dream but I just dont know what else to do to get there.