Tony's Blog

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# 13



This will be for yesterday and today.


Yesterday sucked. I slept ok, only had the one panic attack as usual. But after I got up I had terrible nerves and felt sick. At one point I couldn't sit up for fear of vomiting. All day and night I felt weak, nervous and sick. It is an awful feeling. I didn't venture outside because the heat and humidity were so oppressive. Yesterday was pretty much a lost day. I felt "out of reality" all day. One of my tonsils was swollen so I suspected that I was fighting a cold. Lack of sleep has always hammered my immune system. There is a direct correlation between lack of sleep and being sick. Sometimes it is quality of sleep that I have been deprived of and no amount of resting will suffice. I am constantly reminded that I have several health problems which complicates matters.


Today was a bit better, thank God. I walked outside and got a little sun. My walk is so weird. I have never seen anyone walk like me. Sometimes I limp and drag my left foot but today I noticed that I almost hop with each of my feet, one at a time. It's like I take a step and precisely after my foot hits the ground, my torso reverberates as if a small shockwave has been sent up through my leg, ending in my head. This is why I noticed it at all, because my head was being jarred when I walked. It is a lot like the way zombies walk in the movies but a little more prominent and faster. I don't always walk the same though, sometimes I don't notice much but sometimes if I am tired or just out of bed, my walk is so weird and awkward.


So I got more activity than usual since I was feeling better than yesterday and I want to just live my life (like before). But I can't. So I am now extremely tired with a headache and off balance because I overdid it. I just can't seem to get that moderation thing down.


I bent down to pick up sticks outside and it makes me very dizzy, I almost feel like passing out.


I miss working and my regular life. But after the trouble picking up a few sticks I am realizing that work is a very long way off. I am going to a "poor person's" hospital program this upcoming Tuesday to try and get medical care, so I am optimistic. I also need to apply for disability which is daunting. I do not want to apply...I am not looking forward to it, but I have to do it. I have no other way to survive and I couldn't hold a job, no way. I have no idea how I will be supported for the next year... I run out of my own money completely after the end of July. So I suppose I will be trying to get some housing assistance also. Ugh... I have all of this extra time in which I would normally be working but I am doing nothing. I guess I am kinda depressed. It will pass.


I want to punch the wall today...but I won't. And this is one of the better days. I should just be happy I haven't had another stroke, really.


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I am sorry you are having bad day today, but I am sure it will pass, good days and bad days both pass. Do apply for SSDI, you have worked in the system, and deserve help when you need it. I stroke at 34 and luckily had worked in system for solid 10 years and with good income. So I was glad that I had SSDI to support us while we were still getting our bearings on our adversity.



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