Tony's Blog

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About this blog

a journal

Entries in this blog

#24

At 6am this morning, On Sept. 5th 2011 I started to have Migraine Aura. I was not concerned but I was unhappy. I have had migraines for over 20 years so this wasn't scary or anything.   After the Aura, which lasted about 45 minutes (which eliminates most of my vision) I started to get the slight headche which I was accustomed to and the aura mostly went away.   Normally this would be it and I would deal with hours of a throbbing headache and slight feelings of confusion.   But that is not

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wdtony

#23

Update after a long time:   On April 17th I suffered a big setback due to ovger-exerting myself trying to exercise too much. I am not certain but I may have had another stroke. I went into the hospital twice in April. My progress in the last 3 months has been slower than last year after the stroke on May 11th. Now my brain has trouble estimating spacial differences and I get a feeling as if I were carsick if I venture outside or ride in a car.   I had been doing better but now I am back to

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wdtony

# 22

It is September now. The May stroke seems so far away.... but I am still reminded daily that I am not the same.   I have moved in with my brother after losing my apartment. I don't have the panic attacks every night anymore but I still get them occasionally. I wake up in the middle of the night petrified. I don't even fear stroke... it is more like just fear. It is very intense, there is something very wrong with my brain and i can't shake this fear. It is scary. Usually after a (during the ni

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wdtony

# 21

It has been 3 months since I had the second stroke.   It's been a while since I last posted. I suppose my life has been relatively uneventful. I have also been somewhat depressed overall. I still live the rollercoaster of bad days and better days.   My sleeping is on a bad schedule but I have started to sleep better overall with fewer panic attacks. Some of my strength has returned but it is extremely slow. I had actually been walking some and getting out into the sun which has helped with t

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wdtony

# 20

It's Friday night and what a beautiful night it is. It is warm out and the moon is almost full. I took a walk tonight. It was breezy, the moon had an almost amber glow about it and it was the first time in a long time that I felt at peace. No pain, no panic..... I was just happy to be here experiencing this wonderful evening. And I am free, that's most important.   So I am a boring person. This is who I am...well not completely but this is my essence if you will allow me to describe my true se

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wdtony

# 19

Well, I can't complain...   Today was far better than yesterday although I have been tired. But what else is new?   Yesterday I had bouts of vertigo or some type of weird dizziness that didn't want to go away. It's days like that that render me useless and unable to hold a job. Of course no doctor will proclaim that I will be out of work for an entire 12 months and therefore have little chance of receiving any benefits. I go to the doctors and they ask me to:   squeeze their hands, lift m

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wdtony

# 18

Today I am very tired. It's one of those days.   But it isn't all that bad. Actually I received great news today.   Yesterday I was trying out this new positive attitude thing and this morning I called the hospital about my bill. I have been less than enthusiastic about healthcare and the bills lately.   To my astonishment, my 15,000 dollar hospital bill has been paid! What happened? I'll tell you... I qualified for a government program that helps people pay bills who are in low income b

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wdtony

# 17

I wanted to use this entry to thank everyone for their comments, advice and suggestions. Believe me, they are helpful and do not go unrecognized.   I do think I am blessed sometimes despite the bad times. I believe difficult times happen to people and with them comes knowledge and a wisdom few possess.   I spend so much time thinking, "why me" or "I have lost so much" or "who would want me now" or "my dreams are all gone". It is a very depressing place to be, probably a normal place to be.

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wdtony

# 16

It's difficult to tell the difference between the neurological problems I have from the adverse reaction and the recent stroke. They are both brain related issues and sometimes have overlapping or convergent symptoms. Regardless of the origin, I have neurological problems that I struggle with daily. Today was a bit better than the last 2 days but still marginal. I am realizing how weak I am and how slowly I am recovering. I was a bit excited a couple of weeks ago but I am now understanding the r

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wdtony

# 15

Well, Today is Wednesday, July 7th 2010.   I haven't written here in well over a week. Overall I would say I have made some small improvements since writing last. I have also had some very tough days in which I didn't even feel like writing here.   I will list some of the good things:   I am walking a bit more.   I have been able to go out in the sun and this makes me feel healthier.   I was able to socialize a bit with family and friends.   I have started to "rehab" my muscles by

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wdtony

# 14

Today is Friday. I woke up 2 hours after falling asleep and felt awful. I could barely get up. I was extremely nervous and stayed that way for about 2 hours. Eventually I went back to sleep. Since I had a pretty active day yesterday, I thought I might pay for it today. Well, My assumptions were correct, I feel so heavy and tired. It takes forever to complete the simplest tasks. I have been up for several hours and am still trying to get up the strength to shower. I don't feel extremely nervous b

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wdtony

# 13

This will be for yesterday and today.   Yesterday sucked. I slept ok, only had the one panic attack as usual. But after I got up I had terrible nerves and felt sick. At one point I couldn't sit up for fear of vomiting. All day and night I felt weak, nervous and sick. It is an awful feeling. I didn't venture outside because the heat and humidity were so oppressive. Yesterday was pretty much a lost day. I felt "out of reality" all day. One of my tonsils was swollen so I suspected that I was figh

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wdtony

# 12

Slept a bit better last night, only woke up with panic once. I went to the doctor and we talked about how all of my tests came back normal and that there is no known cause for the stroke(s). He asked me to take zocor but I told him I would like to get my cholesterol down naturally and that I don't want to take any more medicine than I have to. He said that zocor and other statins have an anti-inflammatory effect and that I should consider taking it even if my numbers look good. At this time, I d

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wdtony

# 11

This entry will be for Yesterday and Today.   Yesterday I attended my uncle's visitation. He died last week of lymphoma. It was difficult to deal with all of the feelings and activities. I was wore out from that. I hate to see family members so distraught.   I felt ok after a nap but then later that night the left side of my face tingled for about an hour which really freaked me out. I was hoping that it wasn't an onset of another stroke. I took more aspirin and calmed down. The tingling wen

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wdtony

# 10

This entry will be for today and yesterday.   Yesterday I woke after 2.5 hours feeling bad, went back to sleep and slept 5 more hours. I was happy about that.   Was able to walk with breaks. My father drove me to my counselor apointment. We discussed the depression about things that have changed in my life and losing certain aspects. I think this will be a good topic to pay attention to.   Today I woke several times approximately once an hour. I felt a bit dizzy upon waking and slowly got

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wdtony

# 9

Woke up several times in a panic again last night. This sucks, it is an awful physically sick feeling as if something is terribly wrong. I am assuming it has something to do with stages of sleep convoluted by the brain injury. I did manage to sleep pretty well for a few hours though.   Took a walk with breaks and did pretty well. Overall the day went well but my arm is tired and I am weak.   I hope tomorrow is good because I have a lot to do.

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wdtony

# 8

Woke up to a panic attack 1.5 hours after falling asleep. This seems to happen about every day. Unfortunately today I woke up like this almost every hour in a panic. That is unusual. I was very active yesterday and ate a large meal right before bed which may have contributed to this restless sleep. It would feel like I had slept all night and I would look at the clock and it would have only been an hour. Ugh.   I am very tired today because of the inconsistent sleep last night but so far I hav

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wdtony

# 7

Happy Flag Day.   I woke up early (approximately 1.5 hours after falling asleep) to a panic attack. I had to call the doctor in between 8 and 8:30 so I had to stay up and make sure that happened. Because of this, I didn't sleep very well. But I got enough sleep.   All in all today was a fairly good day. I spent some time in the sun and got a little exercise. A thunderstorm came through tonight which usually causes a headache but for some reason did not.   Later on, I started to get the di

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wdtony

# 6

Woke up after 2.5 hours of sleep with a panic attack. Nothing new but it is an awful feeling. I quickly calmed myself down and went back to sleep when my heart rate slowed. I have no idea why this happens almost every night. I slept a total of 5 hours last night.   The fast heart rate during panic attack is nothing like when I had the anxiety attack a couple of weeks ago (I also had one when I was 21, 17 years ago). I want to be very clear about this. When I had the anxiety attack, the pumping

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wdtony

# 5

I slept 2 hours and woke up with a panic attack. I had a rapid heart rate but it quickly slowed when I calmed myself down. There is something about being in sleep mode which seems to alter my brain's way of reacting to fear. I guess it is normal to think poorly while in a state of sleep or semi-sleep.   I went back to sleep and slept well for 5 more hours.   Unfortunately immediately after waking I sat up and was incredibly dizzy. So dizzy that I had to lay back down. It took about 15 minute

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wdtony

# 4

First, I wanted to say that I do appreciate comments. Please do not feel obligated to read this blog or comment just for the sake of courtesy.   Last night was the first night in one entire month (since I had the stroke) that I slept well. I was so surprised, I thought I was dreaming when I awoke. God, I hope I can sleep more nights without the panic or fear. I will try to look at this as a small sign of progress.   I did have a low grade headache today. I walked a couple miles with my fath

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wdtony

# 3

of course I had nightmares last night and woke up in a panic after about one hour of sleep. This happens every night to varying degrees. I almost always wake up checking to see if my body still works. I also wake up several times throughout the night with an alarmed feeling. I think my subconscious is still reeling.   Overall, had a decent day. Walked a little. Developed a headache half way through the day, took 1000mg ibuprofen and felt better. I felt disconnected from reality for most of the

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#2

Woke up feeling out of it and groggy. My brain was sluggish and I believe the changing weather fronts played a part. Dreamed a lot last night, which seemed to keep me from sleeping well. Slept about 6 hours.   Eventually I felt a bit better, lasting several hours and then it was back to feeling tired and disconnected. My ears were ringing for about an hour. Started feeling the "divide" which is where I am tired and my two sides don't seem to communicate well. As time goes on throughout the day

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wdtony

Post Stroke Journal #1

On May 11th I suffered an ischemic stroke. Woke up completely paralyzed on my left side.   I was in the hospital for 4 days.   The MRI revealed two infarctions (small sections of brain inactivity) suggesting that I had had another stroke at an earlier date, but no indication as to when this occured. Also confirmed that I did, in fact, stroke.   No risk factors for stroke with the exception of slightly elevated cholesterol (207 total).   It has been almost a month since the stroke and

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