It is September now. The May stroke seems so far away.... but I am still reminded daily that I am not the same.

I have moved in with my brother after losing my apartment. I don't have the panic attacks every night anymore but I still get them occasionally. I wake up in the middle of the night petrified. I don't even fear stroke... it is more like just fear. It is very intense, there is something very wrong with my brain and i can't shake this fear. It is scary. Usually after a (during the night) panic attack I am drained and fatigued for at least a day. The fear is the worst part of all this and the weird nerves I get is the second worst part.

I am slowly rehabing myself physically. I do a little bit every day. I am happy with the progress albeit slow.

I still can't file for disability. If a doctor will not state that I will be out of work for a year I am not allowed to file. So far 3 doctors have refused to offer this professional opinion. I don't have any money to go to a dozen doctors just for an evaluation. This is highly stressful because I am broke. I am going to have to borrow money from my family to go to specialists but I have no idea why it is so difficult to get a medical opinion.

I have been told to contact an attorney and that they can guide me to a doctor that will provide the necessary documentation to apply for disability benefits. The worst part is, I don't even want to apply for it... but I have no other choice.

The worst problems are neurological now. I have some very weird effects from the 2 strokes. The first stroke really floored me but I didn't know it was a stroke until the MRI in May of this year. The first stroke happened almost 4 years ago (Sept. 23rd 2006) when I had a severe adverse reaction to an SSRI. I am guessing of course, but it seems the most likely time when a cerebellum stroke might have occured. That was when the fear began and after the second stroke it is even more intense than before.

The second stroke was located in my Corona Radiata and was called a lacunar infarct. This lesion is documented for paralyzing one side of the body which is what happened to me (left side)

I am awaiting a case worker and possibly a psychiatrist for a mental evaluation. I am not sure which part of me is worse off, the physical or the mental. The combination of the two are not good. It is going to take a lot of time to get back on track despite the permanent damage. I think I can make some progress. I hate that feeling of dread and fear.

I don't know why, but when I write here the page will run away from me, as if it is scrolling upwards by itself. This is frustrating. Maybe someone knows why this is happening?

I don't have too many possesions left. I am making arrangements to have my body donated to the body farm in Tennessee. It is a place where FBI peeps study forensic deacay etc. I have always been a big fan of their work. I want to have everything prepared when I die or almost die. I have a living will (which is ok but it doesn't include the option for euthanasia, which really *beep* me off). So I will feel better when all of those plans are finished. I don't want my family to have to worry about it. I am not obsessed with death, I just want to be prepared as much as possible.

Life is still a rollercoaster, depressed and then moments of contentment. I have no direction though. I am not anything, no career. Good days are there once in a while but the future is so uncertain and the winter is looming. If I become homeless in the winter I think I might die.

I thought I would be further along by now. I am not superstitious but I think maybe this did happen for a reason. I am not happy about it having to happen if that is the case.

I hope everyone on here is well. Goodnight.