Tony's Blog

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# 21



It has been 3 months since I had the second stroke.


It's been a while since I last posted. I suppose my life has been relatively uneventful. I have also been somewhat depressed overall. I still live the rollercoaster of bad days and better days.


My sleeping is on a bad schedule but I have started to sleep better overall with fewer panic attacks. Some of my strength has returned but it is extremely slow. I had actually been walking some and getting out into the sun which has helped with the depression.


I spent too much time in the sun today though. I thought I could tolerate it but I was wrong. So today has felt like a terrible relapse from the past week which was a bit more balanced. I hope I do not have to pay for this error in judgement for more than one day. I am very dizzy, nervous and feel a nervous energy throughout my body. I also feel nauseous and very tired. I am afraid I may have something like heat-stroke due to my weakened state. It was very hot outside today and it snuck up on me.


I still have no idea about if or when I will be able to work. I am waiting to get a caseworker still. No doctor will comment on my status making it impossible to apply for disability. I will be homeless at the end of this month. I would have been earlier but my landlord was nice enough to allow me to use my deposit for August rent.


I will not be living on the street though. I do have some family that will take me in in the short term.


I used to have things I looked forward to in life. Slowly I am losing interest in most things. Maybe this is a necessary stage in learn how to give up on dreams. Maybe this is part of the maturation process. If so, I don't see any reason to become mature. Life seems bleak, and I'm not even that bad off. I guess in my own mind, sometimes I just can't handle the pressure. I find myself wanting to direct focus away from reality, I suppose I just don't want to deal with the pain.


I wish I could write where I stand emotionally but I have no idea. I have periods of aggravation and then of numbness. Being out of work gives me a lot of time to focus on all of my problems and the problems we all face. This only makes depression worse. I know everyone will offer advice, find a hobby.....don't worry - be happy, et cetera. But no advice will help. I just have to get through this on my own as we all "really" have to.


I hope I have a more positive blog entry next time. Things will get better.


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Tony it is hard for me to reply without offering advice. Point taken though.


So just to wish you well as you sort things out for yourself.


(((Hugs))) from Sue.

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Well I have no real background to give you advice, and appropriately it seems that is not what you are looking for, maybe just someplace to vent. My younger sister died of a stroke at age 20 (10 years ago) and my Dad had a stroke in April of this year (just giving you some background). I guess I just feel that when life is crappy, you are kind of supposed to feel crappy for a while! If you dont acknowledge the pain that you are feeling then it might creep up on you later. I keep telling myself that as hard as things are right now they usually get better, the way life ebbs and flows i guess. I think the most positive thing from your post is your awareness of how you are feeling about what is going on in your life. Awareness is a good sign bc many people who have a stroke cannot put themselves in the bigger picture. My Dad doesnt have the ability to recognize that his depression is his biggest hurdle towards recovery right now. So I have lots of hope for you, and hope that these days are your darkest, and that there is light ahead.



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