It has been 3 months since I had the second stroke.

It's been a while since I last posted. I suppose my life has been relatively uneventful. I have also been somewhat depressed overall. I still live the rollercoaster of bad days and better days.

My sleeping is on a bad schedule but I have started to sleep better overall with fewer panic attacks. Some of my strength has returned but it is extremely slow. I had actually been walking some and getting out into the sun which has helped with the depression.

I spent too much time in the sun today though. I thought I could tolerate it but I was wrong. So today has felt like a terrible relapse from the past week which was a bit more balanced. I hope I do not have to pay for this error in judgement for more than one day. I am very dizzy, nervous and feel a nervous energy throughout my body. I also feel nauseous and very tired. I am afraid I may have something like heat-stroke due to my weakened state. It was very hot outside today and it snuck up on me.

I still have no idea about if or when I will be able to work. I am waiting to get a caseworker still. No doctor will comment on my status making it impossible to apply for disability. I will be homeless at the end of this month. I would have been earlier but my landlord was nice enough to allow me to use my deposit for August rent.

I will not be living on the street though. I do have some family that will take me in in the short term.

I used to have things I looked forward to in life. Slowly I am losing interest in most things. Maybe this is a necessary stage in life....to learn how to give up on dreams. Maybe this is part of the maturation process. If so, I don't see any reason to become mature. Life seems bleak, and I'm not even that bad off. I guess in my own mind, sometimes I just can't handle the pressure. I find myself wanting to direct focus away from reality, I suppose I just don't want to deal with the pain.

I wish I could write where I stand emotionally but I have no idea. I have periods of aggravation and then of numbness. Being out of work gives me a lot of time to focus on all of my problems and the problems we all face. This only makes depression worse. I know everyone will offer advice, find a hobby.....don't worry - be happy, et cetera. But no advice will help. I just have to get through this on my own as we all "really" have to.

I hope I have a more positive blog entry next time. Things will get better.