Tony's Blog

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# 20



It's Friday night and what a beautiful night it is. It is warm out and the moon is almost full. I took a walk tonight. It was breezy, the moon had an almost amber glow about it and it was the first time in a long time that I felt at peace. No pain, no panic..... I was just happy to be here experiencing this wonderful evening. And I am free, that's most important.


So I am a boring person. This is who I am...well not completely but this is my essence if you will allow me to describe my true self. I am not a romantic movie actor that does all of the right things, my body is far from perfect and I have no super powers, or even regular powers to mention. Yet, I regard myself highly despite a touch of low self esteem.


I like nature, I like warm summer breezes, I like simple things. You would think my life would be uncomplicated. And I miss sex a bunch.... oooh, a naughty word. But it is VERY true, so there.


Changing gears...


Overwhelmed. This word has arisen in my mind repeatedly this week. O-ver-whelmed! It has been another exciting game of how many steps forward versus steps back. I never know what will happen or when. This isn't to say that I am displeased with my ever so slow progress. I am happy about it, just that it is far too slow. I had a bad panic attack this morning followed by severe nerves that kept me from sleeping at all. Ugh.


So this week has been, from what I can remember of it, choppy but mostly unremarkable. I have tried to stay busy. I have also been working out living arrangements for the next several months. My fear is that I will get half-way through winter and become homeless. I want to work again but I don't see it in the near future. I just couldn't physically accomplish it and I don't know when I will. So I am dependent.


I am short tempered now, more than before. I am aggravated more easily. My damn left arm is a real son of a bitch sometimes. It still doesn't feel like it is mine. I know some people care about me but I am realizing that I am on my own. Doctors are quacky, government systems are shoddy and difficult to navigate. It took 20 hours to get an MRI after the stroke......if I have another one, I am probably screwed. I do not trust the hospital staff. I am alone in the world and if I die....I die. There is no safety net. I guess I always lived under this illusion.


Do I want to live...yes. Do I want to well, we all die eventually but I am not ready yet. Sometimes I just need a break from the nerve pain.


I am really tired of living in fear.


But tonight was nice though. just the right amount of a breeze, not too hot, not too cold. No one throwing empty beer bottles at me, the pedestrian, from their pickup. It was a nice stroll. Whatever higher power there might be, I was one with it tonight. I felt very peaceful for a short while. Until the fatigue crept back in, and the pain in my foot, and the dizziness from turning my head upward......and the realization that I am walking alone in this world.


But I will say one thing, I have matured a bit more. I am learning that for someone to walk with me, they will have to accept me, with my assortment of flaws and imperfections. Just as I will accept theirs. My loneliness is overshadowed by the feeling that I am closer to being ready... it's not the way I thought things would be but it is the right way. I may have been injured by these brain injuries but I am seeing things I never would have recognized before.


Who doesn't love the moon? The mystery of the night and how we fit into this co-existence? I can't give up now.


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Boring may not exactly be the right word....pretty deep and intense seems more fitting, which btw usually makes a person a little more than 1 dimensional and interesting ~ not boring.


Stroke does a job on self-esteem. In time you learn to appreciate the strength you had to survive and see how far you come as you progress. Ironically it makes up for what you lost and is then built on the less superficial. So you seem to be doing quite well when you say you have matured a bit more.


Sorry you're having anxiety attacks and feel alone in the world.


Remember we're always out here for you in cyberspace 24/7 so you're never alone.



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I am glad you had great walk. you are growing in spirituality, and in time will realize stop listening to our monkey brain which keeps on telling you are not good enough or all negative thoughts. you are still you and very worthwhile person. we have scheduled chats on SN every day from 3-4 in the afternoon & 8-9 in the night EST. come & join us & you will feel less alone.



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Sounds like you had a really sacred experience. I love walking at night. I hardly ever do it because of safety issues. Even though I live in a gated community, there are not enough streetlamps and there are no sidewalks. There are blind curves, hills, and my own disabilities that I was born with that makes the nocturnal walking dangerous. But, I love nighttime walking. It's a totally different world at night.

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I want to thank you all for the comments. They are nice and appreciated. It helps to write things out once in a while, although I get a bit tired of bitching and moaning. But I think it is good to write what you feel regardless of how outsiders may view it.

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