It's Friday night and what a beautiful night it is. It is warm out and the moon is almost full. I took a walk tonight. It was breezy, the moon had an almost amber glow about it and it was the first time in a long time that I felt at peace. No pain, no panic..... I was just happy to be here experiencing this wonderful evening. And I am free, that's most important.

So I am a boring person. This is who I am...well not completely but this is my essence if you will allow me to describe my true self. I am not a romantic movie actor that does all of the right things, my body is far from perfect and I have no super powers, or even regular powers to mention. Yet, I regard myself highly despite a touch of low self esteem.

I like nature, I like warm summer breezes, I like simple things. You would think my life would be uncomplicated. And I miss sex a bunch.... oooh, a naughty word. But it is VERY true, so there.

Changing gears...

Overwhelmed. This word has arisen in my mind repeatedly this week. O-ver-whelmed! It has been another exciting game of how many steps forward versus steps back. I never know what will happen or when. This isn't to say that I am displeased with my ever so slow progress. I am happy about it, just that it is far too slow. I had a bad panic attack this morning followed by severe nerves that kept me from sleeping at all. Ugh.

So this week has been, from what I can remember of it, choppy but mostly unremarkable. I have tried to stay busy. I have also been working out living arrangements for the next several months. My fear is that I will get half-way through winter and become homeless. I want to work again but I don't see it in the near future. I just couldn't physically accomplish it and I don't know when I will. So I am dependent.

I am short tempered now, more than before. I am aggravated more easily. My damn left arm is a real son of a bitch sometimes. It still doesn't feel like it is mine. I know some people care about me but I am realizing that I am on my own. Doctors are quacky, government systems are shoddy and difficult to navigate. It took 20 hours to get an MRI after the stroke......if I have another one, I am probably screwed. I do not trust the hospital staff. I am alone in the world and if I die....I die. There is no safety net. I guess I always lived under this illusion.

Do I want to live...yes. Do I want to die....no. well, we all die eventually but I am not ready yet. Sometimes I just need a break from the nerve pain.

I am really tired of living in fear.

But tonight was nice though. just the right amount of a breeze, not too hot, not too cold. No one throwing empty beer bottles at me, the pedestrian, from their pickup. It was a nice stroll. Whatever higher power there might be, I was one with it tonight. I felt very peaceful for a short while. Until the fatigue crept back in, and the pain in my foot, and the dizziness from turning my head upward......and the realization that I am walking alone in this world.

But I will say one thing, I have matured a bit more. I am learning that for someone to walk with me, they will have to accept me, with my assortment of flaws and imperfections. Just as I will accept theirs. My loneliness is overshadowed by the feeling that I am closer to being ready... it's not the way I thought things would be but it is the right way. I may have been injured by these brain injuries but I am seeing things I never would have recognized before.

Who doesn't love the moon? The mystery of the night and how we fit into this co-existence? I can't give up now.