Well, I can't complain...

Today was far better than yesterday although I have been tired. But what else is new?

Yesterday I had bouts of vertigo or some type of weird dizziness that didn't want to go away. It's days like that that render me useless and unable to hold a job. Of course no doctor will proclaim that I will be out of work for an entire 12 months and therefore have little chance of receiving any benefits. I go to the doctors and they ask me to:

squeeze their hands, lift my leg, look into my bright light, lift your eyebrows. And after completing each one of these tasks the doctor says, "good". And usually proceeds to tell me how fine I am coming along and that all is well. Please pay the counter girl on your way out. But I am not good...I am not coming along that well or that quickly.

I get tired after activities that are relatively non-strenuous, I have occasional vertigo, panic attacks, a weird divided feeling when I do too much. Sometimes my eyes can't focus and I have a lot of trouble concentrating thinking and sometimes even talking. I get horribly depressed and I refuse to take any psychiatric medication since I was once severely dammaged by an SSRI.

But I guess I am right as rain if you ask the doctors. They keep telling me that I need to go to a specialist and pay big bucks to be diagnosed as unable to work. You see, my problem is that according to the people at the SSDI office, I need a doctor to say I won't be working for 12 months (or the next 10). This, since I worked before the stroke.

I am hoping to sort that out. I will be using my deposit to pay next month's rent. My landlord is great and this gives me a little more time.

So anyway some days I am so happy that I am not as bad as other days. And on the bad days I hope to God or any other higher power that may be listening to get me through to a better day. So maybe I am schizophrenic or bipolar or have fibromyalgia or avian flu? I need to see a phrenologist (:

I want to meet women. It's because I am single and being single for a prolonged period of time is not natural. I can't exactly go clubbin, not that I would anyway, but it would be nice to have a special person around. I was single for a very long time pre-stroke which was no picnic. Being disabled and broke now, this seems to be the wrong thing to do socially. But I don't really think it matters as long as it doesn't adversely effect my health. Actually lack of attention from a significant other feels detrimental, and I mean attention in all conventional ways.

Maybe...just maybe, being in the situation I am in will be a better position to meet REAL people who possess true qualities that are rare. Perhaps this will be a salvation. Perhaps is a pretentious word. Perhaps I will use it more in condescending ways....no I probably won't.

I learn a little more truth every day.... after I sort through all of the scams and deceptions.

Do you ever feel so low that you start to not care what you say or write? My entries may get more controversial as times go on. Can Strokenet handle it? I hope so. Life is about life and the thoughts I have all the time can be pretty interesting. Feel free to let me know what I should write about here.