Tony's Blog

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# 15


wdtony

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Well, Today is Wednesday, July 7th 2010.

 

I haven't written here in well over a week. Overall I would say I have made some small improvements since writing last. I have also had some very tough days in which I didn't even feel like writing here.

 

I will list some of the good things:

 

I am walking a bit more.

 

I have been able to go out in the sun and this makes me feel healthier.

 

I was able to socialize a bit with family and friends.

 

I have started to "rehab" my muscles by beginning a small exercise regimen.

 

But....

 

I still have a very long way to go.

 

I am almost out of money to live on, the bills keep piling up, I need further medical care and no way to pay for it and I haven't been able to apply for disability because it seems almost hopeless to apply anyway. Besides, I won't have a place to live after this month, so what good is disability going to do for me if it takes a year or two to kick in? I hate this system, it doesn't help when disabled persons need it.

 

I still can't see a day when I could start working again. I am too weak and would be spent after an hour at any job probably. I am not giving up though, I will work again but it probably won't be making as much money as I once did. All those years of college are seemingly for nothing. All those years that I worked to pay off those student loans.... for nothing? Jesus!

 

As anyone reading can tell, I have been depressed about a lot of things. Mainly because I am not recovering as fast as I would like. I hate being not active! I wouldn't care about money troubles if I had a way to work and have an income.

 

My therapist was worried that I might possibly commit suicide. I told her that I was indeed depressed but I had not entertained the notion of suicide. It struck me as odd that she would even think this about me. I thought I was very coherent and not hopeless. Perhaps I made a poor decision with certain words or something.

 

I have arrived at the conclusion that I have a circadian rythm disorder called "Delayed sleep phase syndrome". I have had this type of insomnia for at leat 17 years, maybe longer. I have always been a night owl because I couldn't get to sleep at night.

 

I believe the stroke was caused by this sleep disorder manifesting as poor health and poor body systems. I have always gotten a lot of colds and migraines (I believe) due to insufficient sleep and it makes me feel like I am dying. Now I believe I AM dying and will die if I do not get this sleep disorder under control. Without adequate sleep, stress is everpresent!

 

I heard that Bret Michels from the band "Poison" had 1 hemmoragic stroke and 1 TIA recently. He is 46 according to the news station. I think he has diabetes.

 

oh well, enough blabbering....signing off, goodnight.

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Tony,

I am glad to hear that you have some good stuff going on in your life. Being able to walk is a milestone!.

I agree the disability system needs to be revamped. It is not helpful when you need it. I do not know how to navigate that system.

I am sorry to hear that you have been depressed. That is a normal reaction. you unfortunately cannot push yourself and make everything better. The stroke makes you tired. You need to take this time and rest and try to build up your stamina slowly.

Keep getting out and socializing. This is good for your spirits.

 

It is pouring rain down today in Houston.

Ruth

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hey Tony:

 

first thing apply for disability, it is usually retroactive so don't give up on that. I also wanted to tell you life is rollercoaster ride, you get high & low points both in this ride. right now maybe its your low ride, but things will turn around. you keep on doing right things and things will change. I believe nothings stays same forever. only change is permanant. being able to walk is biggest blessing in my mind.keep on blogging positive things in your life and you will seee it happening.

 

Asha

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Tony,

Despite the fact that you talk about how depressed you are, what also comes through quite loudly is that you still look for the positives and seem determined to have an optimistic attitude.

Unfortunately stroke does change our lives forever and coming to terms with that is extremely difficult.

Nothing can take from you who you are, so it's not all for nothing.

After my stroke I would say I used to be a teacher. My doctor corrected me like this: He asked if someone had taken my certification away and why I was no longer. I got the point and learned to say I am a teacher. If someone asks where, I answer I'm medically retired.

No stroke can take from you what you've earned, achieved, and who you are so it's surely not for nothing.

Life has just changed course and even though you may not be able to go back, nothing will stop you from going forward, and enjoying life as you learn about and reinvent yourself now.

 

-As Asha said true- SSDI is retroactive.

-Check with your doctor about a sleep-aide and anti depressants.

 

Maria

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