Well, Today is Wednesday, July 7th 2010.

I haven't written here in well over a week. Overall I would say I have made some small improvements since writing last. I have also had some very tough days in which I didn't even feel like writing here.

I will list some of the good things:

I am walking a bit more.

I have been able to go out in the sun and this makes me feel healthier.

I was able to socialize a bit with family and friends.

I have started to "rehab" my muscles by beginning a small exercise regimen.

But....

I still have a very long way to go.

I am almost out of money to live on, the bills keep piling up, I need further medical care and no way to pay for it and I haven't been able to apply for disability because it seems almost hopeless to apply anyway. Besides, I won't have a place to live after this month, so what good is disability going to do for me if it takes a year or two to kick in? I hate this system, it doesn't help when disabled persons need it.

I still can't see a day when I could start working again. I am too weak and would be spent after an hour at any job probably. I am not giving up though, I will work again but it probably won't be making as much money as I once did. All those years of college are seemingly for nothing. All those years that I worked to pay off those student loans.... for nothing? Jesus!

As anyone reading can tell, I have been depressed about a lot of things. Mainly because I am not recovering as fast as I would like. I hate being not active! I wouldn't care about money troubles if I had a way to work and have an income.

My therapist was worried that I might possibly commit suicide. I told her that I was indeed depressed but I had not entertained the notion of suicide. It struck me as odd that she would even think this about me. I thought I was very coherent and not hopeless. Perhaps I made a poor decision with certain words or something.

I have arrived at the conclusion that I have a circadian rythm disorder called "Delayed sleep phase syndrome". I have had this type of insomnia for at leat 17 years, maybe longer. I have always been a night owl because I couldn't get to sleep at night.

I believe the stroke was caused by this sleep disorder manifesting as poor health and poor body systems. I have always gotten a lot of colds and migraines (I believe) due to insufficient sleep and it makes me feel like I am dying. Now I believe I AM dying and will die if I do not get this sleep disorder under control. Without adequate sleep, stress is everpresent!

I heard that Bret Michels from the band "Poison" had 1 hemmoragic stroke and 1 TIA recently. He is 46 according to the news station. I think he has diabetes.

oh well, enough blabbering....signing off, goodnight.