Tony's Blog

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# 16


wdtony

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It's difficult to tell the difference between the neurological problems I have from the adverse reaction and the recent stroke. They are both brain related issues and sometimes have overlapping or convergent symptoms. Regardless of the origin, I have neurological problems that I struggle with daily. Today was a bit better than the last 2 days but still marginal. I am realizing how weak I am and how slowly I am recovering. I was a bit excited a couple of weeks ago but I am now understanding the reality.

 

I am not nearly as bad off as many others but I am disabled and I am aggravated beyond description. I am very thankful to be where I am, because I know how much worse it could be. I am still depressed. I am not used to being unable to work. You would think that I would have learned from the last incident but apparently I have not. It is not in my nature to be dependent.

 

No man is an island..... someone said. I am impatient, I want to be better NOW. This seems childish but it is how I feel.

 

One thing I have also noticed is that close quarters breed contempt, at least when it pertains to me and those who are caring for me. Perhaps this is why I have never married... maybe not. I have a lot of time on my hands which doesn't help.

 

I have sold almost all of my possessions. I am giving some of the remaining items to family who have gone out of their way to care for me. I am returning to my semi-nomadic self, who I was before I became someone...before college. I have thought about this a lot, what do I really need? What do any of us really need? I was homeless as a teen/young adult for a year or two. I didn't need much of anything back then...but life was very hard.

 

I will be keeping my car so that others have something to drive me to and fro. I am keeping my computer, I need something to stay connected to the inter-world. I am keeping some of my clothes...obvious reasons. I have some kitchen ware and bathroom items that are necessary for eating and general health...I will be keeping them(Food will be staying with me too). I'm gonna hold onto my little cheap 19 inch CRT TV to make sure I don't go insane from boredom. I will be keeping a select small amount of personal items also as well as all of my personal records, etc.

 

The rest of the junk will be given away or pitched. What defines a person anyway? Our society has a misplaced idea of health and value. It is not entirely our fault or even mostly. But it exists as a huge problem.

 

No matter what happens, I am changing this life. I am so scatterbrained now but I will slowly find new ways to cope. Thanks to everyone who has to read this and hear my rants.

 

Sometimes it feels as if I am losing control of my arms/body. I don't know if this is normal or due to weakness or something neurologically degenerative. It just feels like I am not completely in reality. But I did have problems with this to a degree before the 2nd stroke (I don't know when the first one was btw). Just seems worse now.

 

I am envious of those who are married and have a loving spouse. I wonder how I made it to 38 without making that match. There is so much that is lacking when you are single and maturing. There is so much missing.

 

I don't write here about good things and positives here, it may appear that my life is a bottomless pit but there are some good things in life. For instance, I once was an activist against institutionalized child abuse; this week I received word that lawsuits have begun against former child abusers that I helped protest and expose.

 

I can't help but feel good about that.

 

signing off.... goodnight, hopefully tomorrow will be a better day :)

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Tony: look at what you are saying: I want to be better now, and yet you know that is not going to happen, but your reaction is to change everything in your life right now. That isn't going to work either. Take it one day at a time. Clean out one room, sort by what you need and what can go. Do not tackle everything all in one week, you will regret it down the road. You need to adjust your lifestyle on a quarterly basis, not on a daily one. Yes, close quarters cause incredible stress, that is why we have a caregiver support area. We all are as frustrated as our survivor is. Don't throw in the towel and don't isolate yourself. Find a volunteer group that could use your help and try some community service, maybe reading to children at the library or storytelling. You probably have a local handicap access transportation service run by either your town or state, so you would not be dependent on others to take you. I keep the truck here for Bruce's caregivers to take him places, but keep in mind, I have to pay for those caregivers; so the community service is cheap, safe, reliable and goes to shopping, library, community pool on a daily basis. If you can get yourself in and out of the pool, consider that or walking at the shopping mall. Yes, you have too much time on your hands and that gets the brain crazy (I suffer from it myself and I am a caregiver), but us Type A's have to learn to adjust and we can, just takes some discipline and that we have. Think about it, Debbie

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Tony:

 

hope today is better day for you. I agree with you material things don't define us as a person, but it does bring lot of comforts and satisfaction to life. I have found that after I lost my job due to stroke I struggled to find me again, during those difficult time I found volunteering at my son's school & at red cross brought satisfaction to quality to my life. I have found out that when you give you feel so much better about your life. when we look around even on this board there are so many people far worse off than you and you find you are still so blessed.

 

Asha

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Tony: look at what you are saying: I want to be better now, and yet you know that is not going to happen, but your reaction is to change everything in your life right now. That isn't going to work either. Take it one day at a time. Clean out one room, sort by what you need and what can go. Do not tackle everything all in one week, you will regret it down the road. You need to adjust your lifestyle on a quarterly basis, not on a daily one. Yes, close quarters cause incredible stress, that is why we have a caregiver support area. We all are as frustrated as our survivor is. Don't throw in the towel and don't isolate yourself. Find a volunteer group that could use your help and try some community service, maybe reading to children at the library or storytelling. You probably have a local handicap access transportation service run by either your town or state, so you would not be dependent on others to take you. I keep the truck here for Bruce's caregivers to take him places, but keep in mind, I have to pay for those caregivers; so the community service is cheap, safe, reliable and goes to shopping, library, community pool on a daily basis. If you can get yourself in and out of the pool, consider that or walking at the shopping mall. Yes, you have too much time on your hands and that gets the brain crazy (I suffer from it myself and I am a caregiver), but us Type A's have to learn to adjust and we can, just takes some discipline and that we have. Think about it, Debbie

 

I always read all of the comments and process the advice. I love all the thoughtfulness. These are great ideas. Thank you.

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