• entries
    279
  • comments
    1,313
  • views
    16,347

Just venting


CagedBird

457 views

Im just tired. Its too hard to try. Its so much easier to give up. I have to speak again on April 16th about my testimony. My last speech was about Overcoming Obstacles. To overcome obstacles simply means I succeed in dealing with obstacles that hinder my progress. I just wish those obstacles would go away. It was simple to ignore my physical disabilities and focus on succeeding academically but what do I do now? What do I do now that I have accomplished all of my goals and the things I really want to do are beyond my control? It gets hard pretending like Im happy all the time to be everyone else's inspiration. I feel so incomplete. Nothing is fun to me. I am so focused on getting better that I don't like the person I am now. I showed my dad my plaque because I won Who's Who Among Students in American Colleges & Universities. He looked at it and said what else is new. I can't do much better than being the valedictorian. My accomplishments arent even important, they're expected. I still havent heard from the DMV medical review board. I turned my paperwork in December. They have people out here drunk driving, shooting people for hitting them, shooting people over road rage yet IM the one who is a danger to others on the toad because of a disability that I didnt ask for and have no control over. Im tired of my family treating me like Im still a kid taking turns to drive me around. Everyone wants to know where Im going and what Im doing and then say Im being unreasonable when I get mad about not being able to be independent. I exercised my left hand all day now my good (right) arm is aching trying to finish typing this. No one helps me exercise, No one believes in me or supports me. All I ever been good at is school but now that Im done, Im just not good at anything. I dont want to go back for grad school because I will never be able to do better than my perfect undergraduate years. I would probably drop out trying to meet everyone's expectations. I feel like the caged bird again. All I do is lay in bed all day. I cant drive so I cant go anywhere and when I do want to go somewhere I have to find someone to drive me. Every guy I meet wants an adventurous girl who can keep up with his active lifestyle. I try to be that girl but its super hard when half of my body doesnt work. My good arm is hurting too bad to keep typing. I guess I will try to go to bed since I have pt (pointless therapy) in the morning

4 Comments


Recommended Comments

hey Katrina:

 

sending you lot of virtual hugs, I hope you feel better soon. with disability its very easy to get down on PMS days, yes I agree not every day will be good day, but when bad day like this comes just remember tomorrow is another day, and you are more than your left hand, you are here for a reason. I strongly believe happiness is a choice, & some days we have to choose to be happy. your thoughts are not your life or you, so watch your thoughts.

 

Asha

Link to comment

You owe it to yourself, I mean this is the place to vent and let off steam, I certainly understand where you are coming from! :Tantrum: :unsure: :throw: :wink: :uhm: :hug: I'm still in your corner thru thick and thin, Fred! :D

Link to comment

Hry Birdie, I'm so sorry to hear how caged you feel but I get it. Stroke sucks big time and in the young folks like us I believe it's particulcrly devastating. I was just about to begin my career after finally completing 7 years of training after medical school and the stroke hits and everything is on hold... I still get anngry that this happened to me sometimes but when I get into that place I stop whate ver Im doing and take a few deep breaths in an effort to calm myself Always always let out the basdd feelings because they are poison that will ruin your progress and rob you of your hapiness. I'm grateful to still have lotsd of indepemdance, I drive myself and I get around town in taxi's h=when I don't want to drive because of traffic or parking considerations... That helps me to feel less burdensome and childlike. Im just staying focused on getting better and I've got plans for my recovery. Havbe you read any of the books written by other stroke survivors like Stronger After Stroke? Its a good book anmd I find it very useful for refocusing my perspective when I get down on the pace of my recovery. It helps me gather p my will and try again. I completely believe in the ability of our brains to recover I've seen it too many times and as a stroke neurologist I've learned the physiology that allows recovery to happen. I have to remind myself not to give up several times a dfay. I know that even though i cannot see coutward changes in my body when Im trying to use my left hand arm or control my distal leg or foot. Im focusing and nothing is happening... Well, nothing I can see anyway, tYou see all our continued efforts and attempt to use our weak parts makes physical changes in the brain that will enble us to relearn how to use our weak parts I know it willhappen it jut taked my continued effort, more patience than I ever knew existed in the world and time. But I can already do things now that I couldn't do months or weeks ago so I know it's happening. There s always HOPE after stroke. ALWAYS Never Give up pn your recovery. I've started an excercise regimine in t gym at my condo to supplemnt my outpatient OT and PT and I believe that too will help me to get back on my feet, without a can or an AFO. I know I willget there. Stay focused and don't ever give up ! Ever! your life is worth it and recovery is real nd achievable, it's no t easy but it is acgievable but onl if we keep at it :o) trust me Im a doctor LOL but seriously though trust me.Its a philoophy that has taken me very far I've been driving myse4lf to and from work three days a week since lasy Aug and I live in Manhattan NY and work in New Jersey so I'm talking crossing the George Washington Bridge and using highways.. but Im doing it. I drive entirely 1 handed ( tright) as I still don't have control or udsse of my left hand but I'm working on it still.

Link to comment
Guest
Add a comment...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.