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Coping....

Entries in this blog

Goodbye, My Love

This chapter in my life is now closed. He died yesterday evening. He also had cancer that we didn't know about. I just hope he knows how much I loved him. I can't go to the funeral so his best friend will read my letter for me. I thought I owed it to you here to let you know. Thanks so much for the support I received here. He waa a very special man and I'll never forget him.

oregondreamer

oregondreamer

Checking In

A lot has happened since I visited here last. My dog had been sick and I wasn't going to worry Brian with it. He knows how much I love him. But, his best friend told him about it. Brian had his best friend and his ex wife call me to tell me he was worried about Duke. I had to have Duke put to sleep on the 12th due to lung cancer. It's the hardest thing I've had to do in my entire life. That dog was my furry soulmate. We had a bond that I'll never know again. I've been in even worse depression ov

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oregondreamer

Maybe There's Hope?

I talked to Brian today and he said he's tired of living like a vegetable. I was sympathetic but also tried to explain to him that it's a process he's going through and it is possible to get through it. I also asked him if he was offered counseling, would he take it. He said yes. Yet his ex has denied that to him. I also learned from his best friend that she's had all the anti depressants taken away from him. Well, I'm not giong to sit back and let that wonderful man be treated so poorly. Oh, be

oregondreamer

oregondreamer

Saying Goodbye

I wrote Brian sort of a goodbye letter today. I was sort of acknowleging what is happening. I'm still going to be calling him and hopefully will get to see him in January if things get better. But honestly, I'm not expecting that. I really feel he want to be with his son because he is going to die. This is tearing me up. I cry (not just cry, but sob) at the slightest thought of him and what's to be lost forever. I told him that I would always love him. That he had changed my life forever and I w

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oregondreamer

Missing You

I've gone almost two whole days without crying. However, just thinking about you brings a lump to my throat. I'm at work and missing how you used to talk to me on MSN Messenger. And I know you miss all your kitties. One of your buddies is taking really good care of them for you. I'm going to print out some photos I took of them and mail them to you. I'm hoping that won't make you sad. I just love the one I got of you kissing Mama kitty. I had no idea how special that photo would be. I regret not

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oregondreamer

Happy Anniversay Baby

It's nine months for us now. Normally, I'd be on the phone telling you this and that I loved you. I went the whole day without crying but this has me doing it again. How my heart and soul ache to be near you. To hold you close and let you know it's all going to be alright. I'll be getting a tatoo soon that is a symbol of our love. I want you to know that I'll never give up on you, on us. I want to be your strength when you have none. I love you so much. I hope that you can at least dream about m

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Reminders of You

You're in my thoughts constantly. I miss how we talked on Yahoo all the time. My cell phone is a painful reminder that you're not there. And now, since I used my cell, I can't even read our past conversations. I know you've got them on your computer but have no one to get them for me. I miss calling you every night before I went to sleep. Our world has changed forever. How I wish we could turn back time. I thought it was so sweet how when you woke up in the middle of the night and told me you lo

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You're Worth It

Remember the night we were holding hands in the hospital? It was dark and I thought you wouldn't notice my crying. You told me not to cry for you. I told you that you were worth it. It's because I love you so much that the tears continue to fall. Surely one day soon, we'll have happier times again. I hate not being in contact with you. We were as inseparable as possible before all this happened. Now, I'm lucky if I get to talk to you two or three times a week. You need me now. I know you're depr

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Sigh

10/24/06 I have got to stop being so damned sensitive. But it's hard not to be when I only call once a day, usually in the evening. It's sort of a reassurance to me that he is alright and I always feel better after I talk to him. His son is visiting him this week through Thursday so he's happy about that. His best friend told me that. Also told me that he apologised about last night. So, tonight I called a little earlier and got his son on the phone. I could hear him in the background saying h

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Worried

10/27/06 I just talked to my sweetie and he told me he was being transferred just overnight to get a cat scan and a blood transfusion. He told me not to worry but he sounded worried himself. I called his best friend who checked it out. There is no cat scan. There's a planned transfusion and a colonoscopy. His blood count keeps going down and they're trying to find out why. I'm wondering where he got the idea about a cat scan. Sometimes he doesn't seem quite right in the things that he says. Do

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oregondreamer

Not Coping Too Well

10/28/06 I'm so distraught over this. I cry every day, wondering how he is and when I'll get to talk to him again. I'm so angry because of what was taken away from us so soon, after it was just found. I want to be with him so badly. Money is keeping that from happening. My heart is breaking. I know it's not wise but I'm seriously considering taking my Social Security money so I can be with him. He has no one near him. His son left yesterday. I wish there was a simple solution to bring us toget

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oregondreamer

Losing Hope?

10/30/06 How in the world can I help him through this when things seem so bleak to me? I told a friend today that I have no hope. I'm normally so strong and I've been trying to be strong for him. I hardly even get to talk to him. The only reason I did today is I called the nurses station first. He didn't talk long at all. I talked to him long enough to tell him I loved him and he me. I know he's taking lots of meds. He told me he was doped up. I asked how he was doing and he said not good. Thi

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Thoughts from Today

Thought I would start putting my feelings here because I think it will help. Here's a link to my introduction so you can get my background: http://www.strokeboard.net/index.php?showtopic=6292   I hate being so far away from him! I'm on the east coast and he's on the west. I just get to talk to him once a day now for just a couple of minutes. I try to call about the same time each evening as it's been working out fine. I have a job that doesn't allow me to get up at the same time all the tim

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oregondreamer