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Just Me; My Journey

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Home alone Thanksgiving...again

My son has to be on call for work on Thanksgiving, so he's invited a bunch of people to his new house.  My husband has to work, I don't drive; I can't go.   It's been years since my stroke, and I think I've done a pretty decent job of accepting my physical deficits.  Today though, this really, really, really stinks!  

smarshall

smarshall

Having Difficulty

I'm having a rough, emotional morning. A close friend of the family recently had a cardiac event that hospitalized him, and after having an MRI, it was determined that there was evidence of two old strokes.  I haven't spoken to him directly, he hasn't any paralysis, and have learned that he seems very confused, can't drive, and his brother couldn't understand him while talking with him on the phone.  Apparently he's seeing his PMD this Friday.   I realize that he and his wife are taki

smarshall

smarshall

Spring, my favorite season...

I love Spring!  New life, warmer weather, no insects... then why am I so miserable?  I figured it out; when it's either hot and humid or cold and icy, I don't mind being inside; heck I prefer it!    I am physically unable to do much of anything.  Rake?  Pull dead grass?  Take a drive somewhere with the dog and hike?  Nope, nope and nope. I'm usually able to accept my new life, yet I still have days when I want to shake my fist to the sky and yell, "THIS REALLY SUCKS!"   So I

smarshall

smarshall

Gratitude

Things I'm grateful for, there are many, change for me every day; the list is ever growing.   Gratitude for me can be as simple as being able to feel the sun on my face, or hearing a bird sing, to the warmth I feel when I get a hug. (At this moment it's the imitation snowflakes falling on the screen!)   An 'attitude of gratitude' is a wonderful thing to have.   Susan :wreath:

smarshall

smarshall

Update (Vanity)

I had my hair cut today. The stylist told me that my hair was thinning on the paralyzed side, but the cut being layered would help. I've got some meditation music, an acquaintance to get me out of the house, and a different attitude. This time of life is looking good.

smarshall

smarshall

Vanity

Usually not an issue for me. I've recently realized that the rather large spot on my scalp where hair didn't grow back, (following the shaving for the ICP monitor) means that I can no longer have "longish", hair - it's lopsided. That side of my face is paralyzed and looks weird as it is. I'm thinking that after 18+ years of the post stroke life; now this? It bothers me that it bothers me.   Susan

smarshall

smarshall

Oy Vey.......another bad day

I know, I know... I feel like "caca" again today, and I'm just sick and tired of feeling sick and tired all the time! Have a headache - take a pill, motion sick - take a pill. I take enough meds on a daily basis - thanks.   I was recently evaluated by my Neuro; had an MRI - "Nothing new" GREAT, SUPER - so what's the problem? Anxiety. Another pill and psychotherapy - which I can't afford. (I have health insurance too! )   I do deep breathing techniques, (Which help) and I'm open to su

smarshall

smarshall

Daily priorities...

I usually feel my best in the morning; lately I've been more lightheaded than usual. (My hubby says it's because I'm blonde. ) I've had an MRI and an MRA - both "normal." So I've had to really sit down and prioritize my day. Lately it's been - do the dishes --> sit down, vacuum --> sit down, ad nauseum. Do I fix chicken soup, (I made the stock yesterday so most of the hard work is done.) or do I get my exercise in? I made the soup. I guess later if I feel better I'll hit my ellipt

smarshall

smarshall

Turning a frown upside down....

Boy today started out rough. My vision took a hiatus for a couple of hours - double vision with one eye, go figure!! When increasing the font size on my PC didn't even work for me, I decided to make myself a cup of coffee and chill out on the couch. The TV was on, so I occasionally watched as a helium balloon carried some guy 120K + miles upward so he could break some record. (It was pretty impressive as anything concerning heights makes me ill.) Anyway... After a while I decided to try and

smarshall

smarshall

I'm not sure if I want to hear the truth, but...

It occurred to me yesterday that when I get excited about something and speak - I may be speaking gibberish. I was visiting with my kids and mom yesterday, and the topic of politics came up. We're all pretty much in agreement, but I noticed that when I spoke, they all looked at me like I had two heads! Nobody said anything to me about it, but I remembered a conversation that I had with a friend over the phone, and she said, "Susan I didn't get any of that." I had to repeat myself. It would e

smarshall

smarshall

Another top for the presoak pile......

I would've thought that by this time in my recovery I wouldn't mess up the front of a top when I ate. Wrong! I made some homemade waffles this morning, and thought I had gotten away unscathed; nope! When I looked down at myself, remnants of maple syrup were all over. Oh well, at least the waffles were tasty!!

smarshall

smarshall

Hormones and Acceptance (Grrr)

I woke up this morning feeling okay, (No headache) I thought I'd get some exercise in. WRONG!! I had to stop the treadmill after only a few minutes because I felt lightheaded. (With just the warmup!! ) The non-hormonal me would probably have just taken it in stride, but not today I'm afraid I became really angry and annoyed at my body's limits, and frankly had a meltdown like a 2 yr old has a temper tantrum!   I'm calmer now, yet still lightheaded, so I'm not going able to continue......

smarshall

smarshall

Do you ever have one of "those" days?

I've only been up a few hours but I'm already dropping, spilling, breaking most everything I come into contact with! (Basically not being able to stay out of my own way!! ) Onward & upward!! :hehe:

smarshall

smarshall

Chair Yoga = no more low back pain.....

Chair yoga has been great for alleviating my low back pain. No new medication, no shots; it's fabulous!! I don't have to worry about my (lack of) balance either; being able to sit makes a huge difference!

smarshall

smarshall

Feeling much better...

Sunshine, fresh air and flowers did the trick. Beautiful day! My husband and I are going for a drive in a bit. It's early in the morning, we'll get some coffee and enjoy the lack of traffic. I have shut the door to this room, but I can hear my dogs stirring at the door. (That tail thump gives them away every time!)

smarshall

smarshall

Sick and tired of being sick and tired...

Yes I'm having a bad day, okay a bad week. I'm feeling EXTREMELY negative about most everything; I even feel bad about feeling bad - if that makes any sense at all. It's actually a beautiful day; low 70's, sunshine and low humidity. I think I'll go outside, take care of some flowers, and try to turn my mood around.

smarshall

smarshall

...I'm on an emotional rollercoaster today....

...nobody to blame but myself though; I forget to take my AD's last night and am paying the price. I would think that having them on my nightstand is foolproof, apparently not.   HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!!   Susan :coffee:

smarshall

smarshall

...sometimes I feel sorry for myself....

I really hate the "poor me" feeling I have today. It's absolutely beautiful outside, I have a great book, both my pooches want "mom" to play ball, and/or Frisbee, and I'm still feeling emotionally miserable. I'm lonely.

smarshall

smarshall

It is what it is, but...

...not (really) knowing what's going on in my body has brought a fear back that I though was long gone. It's difficult to describe the feeling that comes over me; suffice it to say it's brought me to the local E.R. twice now in a week and a half. The first time I did have some elevated blood work which suggested some type of viral vasculitis. Negative CT - whew!! Home, rest, fluids and a prescription for meclezine. (For motion sickness and nausea0\ Round two, "normal" bloodwork, f/u with m

smarshall

smarshall

Early Mornings...

I know it has to change and get cooler, but I've been having such a relaxing, great time in the early morning hours. Coffee on the porch with my husband and two dogs. "Listen to the quiet" was the name of a book of poetry, (The name of the author I can't seem to remember) absolutely appropriate.

smarshall

smarshall

I Like Cheese.....

It's almost SPRING, it's warm, the sun's shining - NO INSECTS YET!! I absolutely love this time of year! Warm wind coming in the window while I'm doing dishes, birds chirping early in the morning, and I heard my first flock of geese heading north; life is good. After 16+ years of being home - I'm comfortable here, and when I really think about it I'm fortunate to be able to be home.

smarshall

smarshall

Optical Strokes Anyone??

I received a phone call from my mom today. What she thought had been a series of TIA's, (three) were actually small strokes in her eye! Her birthday was yesterday, she turned 79. Both of her parents died from strokes, she's now had SIX minor ones. I'm terrified that "that" phone call is going to come sooner than later.

smarshall

smarshall

Angry Today

There are certain dates that are inevitable; i.e., my daughter's 25th birthday is today. I'm feeling very angry at this body that has betrayed me because I am physically unable to drive the 30-some odd miles to see her, maybe take her to dinner - whatever. I've already spoken to her, and she in no way thinks worse of me; I DO MYSELF!! :Argh:

smarshall

smarshall

It's Taken 11+ Years, But........

This is very difficult for me. I've fought with myself for years since the stroke; I "get it" now. The fact that that's the case doesn't make this any easier to admit to myself. Since I was about 16 my appearance has played a big part in my life. I never really could see it; maybe it was being sexually abused as a child, maybe having alcoholic parents - I don't know. Others could. I hid myself with my clothes, and could never really understand why some people seemed to respond to the way

smarshall

smarshall

Hey Therapist's, Thanks

I was thinking about this while combing out my hair; I remembered a time when doing that wasn't so easy. Personally, I don't think that any therapist gets the kudos he/she should. They're assigned a patient for however long, and I wonder just how many of us have let them know they're appreciated.   For my stay on rehab, I was assigned to three different therapists. Physical, Occupational and Speech. (We patients called them "TERRORISTS" because they were relentless.) If I didn't show up

smarshall

smarshall