bartszatmary

Yes. Thats why I wrote this. I was aware of everything. That calm place when I gave up. I believe it was the pearlly gate, I know in my heart it was. He has a plan!

Asha, Thank you!

see! Im Falling Jason got me.Im hot! I cant breath. Im on the ground I cant talk ! &@@#$thanks Jason. I cant breath ...... Zora is in my mouth. Shes in my mouth cant breath! Wait whats going on. I cant feel my arm my leg ok oh&^% I cant feel my left side of my chest. STROKE! CVA! ##$ I cant believe it I in touble now. Wheres the ambu wheres the box! They keep asking me ##$ I cant answer! Cant see cant talk Im ##$ ed.In the box O2 I can breath. Running HOT its bad Im right CVA stroke scale. calling ascom I not good Proity 1 patient not good. Im beathing ok. Im in bad shape! Im ok Im in harford I hear Andrea Shes good thank God Hes there He got off the ambu with me. PLEASE KELLY! I need the drugs better I die then be this way! Thanks Kel Tpa.! I dont feel good That drug is killing me.... Im hurting getting tired so tired.... I cant do it..... I am to tired to beath sorry. I gave up cant do it..... Its calm here, Nice, I dont hurt ,calm.... who there with me???, calm?.Yes?....... I hear Adrea saying breath Bart Breath! come You can do it! BETTER GET KELLY! OH! $%# KELLY! I cant leave her! breath breath! I can do it. In out in out in out yes Andrea you said IN OUT IN OUT I got!! I feel a little better. Wait I feel Me foot! I can bend the right leg The left I got ... I see I dont know that I see. but I see. I hear Kelly !! Oh Kelly IM SORRY. Did I say something ? nmmgmkoomfbb.. God ___ it ... I said that! they were laughing said I was showing off. I cant feel my arm is it there? yes its gone Its here but dead. Im a mess a vegitable. This sucks! Andrea said Im stable Nice term! never good! sable is never good! going to shock trama ! not good! Kelly Im sorry! I"ts not your fault!" SHE ANSWERED! I TALKED! I cant see right did not know the eyes did this! This sucks! It seems its been my theme for while. How you get better? They cant be right. Written from memory. The place of calmness is in my thoughts alot. Could it be? I think so. I chose to say or did HE decide? I wonder? On bad days I wonder alot. It was calm, peaceful, why... ? Will I go back someday? <my thoughts at the time the Stroke monster took our lives>

I wake up 330 in pain I went down stairs so Kelly could sleep. Its 730 Im back upstairs and Im going to sleep.

I have alot of bad times, I just trying to forget the pain

That is great. When I look I made all the wrong choices, but Im here ehere I ment to be.

I dont know why Im in killer pain, toes curl, leg, arm, neck and head. If I dont post You know why. Im calling out sick. I I feel better I be there. Good night. Its morning I was awake early i posted a few things on different sites then went home to Stroke Net. I said I was going to beat it and Im going to. This post will be short because I need to move before I cant. This morning I promised I will not let my mouth hurt anyone. The part of the brain that died was the filter between my mind and mouth as others have said. If one thing more I cccomplish its to regain the ability to think positive always and not let my mouth hurt anyone. If I cant say nice things not to say anything, my only goal for today. Time to walk. I really think you should walk with me.

The pain, I feel there should be a better answer then mind alteringv drugs. Its not a cure a mask is all it is.

Alot of thinks Im working with is right on the edge. A wrist brace, one for ankle was suggested. I wanted to try with out it first The wrist Im leaning twards asking now. It takes alot to not have it curl up, I get tired from just keeping it streight. My ankle hurts went I sit it wants to curl. I could not remember how to spell any a damn 3 letter word. It takes me hrs to type this blog. And Im proud of it. I can keep my head up that I have not let it beat me, I sure got beat up by this thing called Stroke. First Im going to spell, walk, run, talk right, Im going to kick Strokes butt. It hurt me, my wife kids, and family. Im goeing to fight it and beat it. Then I can figure out how to help others beat this ugly monster. Im up an hour and my wrists and arm hurt from holding my wrist normal, streight, whatever I not sure how to spell it. Im not whinning Im getting mad at the Stroke monster. If I was younger Id want to go to school to find a better treatment. If it cant be prevented theres got to be better treatments, not drugs for the pain, a devise for surport. We started with muscles, brains that work, they are still there. Theres a better answer. Im going help find it. I going to beat it, we got to beat it. Well I got to start with my exercise. You need to also Im sure.

My wife is off. I had french toast eggs and tea. My wife sat with me for a little while, great morning, where is she how? My blog will short today I taped my rt hand so can only use my left, its tired already, hey wheres Kelly have you seen her? Im going to check on her. See ya.

I hope your plans work out. I was thinking about this site, its people, and how they have become part of me. Its a good thinbk.

Brother I wash that fo all of us.

I see it half empty. I just hope I remember I enjoyed the drink and I saved enough for later

I know Whats wrong with me, I had a stroke. No really folks. Its my wifes fault, shes young, smart and beautful, and Im old, forgetful, and handicaped instead of being happy Im insescure. Then I think Im jealous, she works drives has health and is in control(shes smart and beautiful). I dont think the control is a issue, its my lack of that hurts( and she is smart sand beautiful). I have to depend on her, that scares me, its not just trust, its my lack of ability(and shes smart and beautiful). I have dumped alot of stuff on her in the past, but now I really cant do it. Dont forget the young and beautiful part. Before I might of given her security, now all I give her is broken dreams,and a hard time. All she wanted is to be happy. How can she be married to a broken man like me, an old handicaped unemployed bum, and her, she could have the world at her feet. Shes a better person then me beautiful inside and out. A yr ago she saw Dick Clark she thought it was amazing how good he was doing(beautiful and caring), I on the other hand thought how could he go out in public( I was mesrable and shallow even then). Thats a big one, shes better then me I dont deserve her. Never did, that hurts now. I could find excuses before, but how a man who takes 2hrs to just type this blog make could make her happy, who could want that? Her staying by my side makes her that much better then I, that hurts. Maybe Im nasty to push her away. I really thank thats a big part of it. Love and self loathing. Push her away, shes better off, she could find the happiness she deserves, and Im devastated and the world topples down on me like I desrve. Then I could hate myself even more. What a sick idea. Im nuts. See See shes so wonderful its all her fault. I know you agree. Ok You say Im a miserable sicko and Im nuts and Its my fault. Ok. Ok It is. Its my fault and Dick Clark looked great. Happy New Year.

I have felt like poop Ill pick it up in the yard. We have a rottie 100lbs and a 130lbs newfoundlander mastiff mix you can imagine I got poop in the yard. Ill clean that up, walk and go from there. I decided no matter what happens Im going to have my head high, be proud of what I can do. and be happy with what I have. Im going out this year happy proud and secure in myself and coming in with the new year the same way. Watch out I have a cane and Ill beat you out of the way, I have places to go and things to do, and Im sure with Kelly by my side. This year will be a new adventure better then the last Im sure and if not now we have experence we will be able to get though anything, remember I have a cane and its metal, Kelly you might have to get behind me while I beat our way through. You have to reach bottom first before you reach the sky! (You all I hit bottom for a while) I before head for the sky I have to pick up poop. The garbage men just got the can dumped. Today poop tomorow the WORLD !Happy New Year! and be careful Im coming through! Have a happy!

Im a loser, I feel crap, the pain sucks, I suck, Im depressed and just hurt the one I love, the meds dont work, the drs give the run around, they dont give a crap, I cant stand it. Everyday I sit and type the spelling does not get better, the typing does not get easier or get better. It seems all I do is fail. No Im good at hurting my wife. Shes a great person and Im a loser. Its hard to be happy or positive when whatever you is a major ordeal and you suck at it. Ask me a question but wait for the answer Im sure Im wrong. The night is falling I hope my prayers are answered.

My family went out to celebrate my step dtrs boyfrieds birthday. They all live in my wife and I s house. This morn it was a home but to night its just a house. Im broken hearted Im forgotten. again. I wigged out at my wife I got in my truck and left I was stupid I drove fine but came home if anything happened sahed suffer, but I told her before how it hurt me. I give up. Not once since I had the stroke has my wife told me shes glad I made it. Not once did she go to give me a hug and a kiss I always have to go for it. I love her dearly but it hurt I noticed it since I had the stroke since the day I got home. I get nasty but this is why I felt like I lost my wife and just have a nurse. and its killing me Id wish Id die if it would make her happy Ill keep working if that does. I just want to feel like a man. I dont now its its killing me sucking I life out of me day by day little by little. Im so upset I m gonna sleep down stairs but Im not sure shell care. Dont get me worng she does everything for me but show she wants affection I love her more then she could know. Im lost. I feel like I dont have a family and I love them.

I got my leads for the dogs and I walked them last evening. Not easy but I did it. I swept the floors vacuumed washed dishes and..... Oh cleaned the porch. My arm is killing me. been killing me for a week Im sick of it. Somtimes I wish I died that day. I work at it to get better but as bills pile up and Im not working and I feel for my wife. She would have been free if I didnt start breathing again that day. Dont get me wrong I feel bad for her but shes stuck w/ me! Oh! crap I just got a headache. Oh! crap! again! I drove my truck yesterday. It started with starting it than moving it in the lot then driving it in town, I did fine! Im going to enter in the drag race at the track.Im gonna go I got a headache.

`Yesterday I bought 2 horse leads I can hang them over my shoulders, no hands I can use a cane and walk the dogs. My wife has a enough to do but my step kids dont do anything to help her they walked the dogs 3 times since sept. I love her and the kids but the kids are useless. I had the fit of rage earler, just ending now. They know my eye sight is screwed up but they will stack stuff in the hallways I trip on it I throw the stuff out, they do it again I throw their stuff again. They will learn or run out of stuff. Ill put my money on running out of stuff. Ok Im done venting. Thank you. Ok I got the leads I had the the dogs, my arm and leg hurt again. Walking is out. I was cleared for sex but the black and blue on my leg is getting bigger sex is out. So Ill lay here and watch House on TV. Its on all day. A grumpy sarcastic mean know it all, I can relate ok I like him, and he limps with a cane. Hey this can be a great day. I made the bed I have a snack table and exercise my hand, that always hurts(lol) I love to fish I m going to start tying flies ok Im going to try to tie a fly, sorry I had to say it. Changing the subject I pet my dogs every day with my left hand wonder if it feels different to them.I cant feel it at all. Back to tying flies. Oh and watching House! Have a good day Im going to.

Know that life is different but I feel normal when I go for my walk. It was in the low 50s and my hand still hurt from the cold. I need to get gloves. Oh well. Im walking who Im I to be complaining. A neighbor and friend also has to walk. Its enjoyable with someone. Some times my left side of my face feels more numb. I wonder why. My lexdisiea is bad since the stroke so typing is a core phyically and mentialy. My buddy just called he is going to tractor Supply Im going with him. Im going to get gloves. I need to walk. I need to learn to walk the dogs with a cane, my dogs are 100 lbs and 150lbs but well behaved. I trained dogs pre stroke I made some money but the joy was the dogs. Its hard to deal with not working my full time job for the town but the dogs or not working with them kills me.