Kj mcmeekin

It's been a long time since I have visited this site...maybe because I thought I didn't need it since its almost 4 years since Chris is gone....maybe because I didn't have the time....maybe....maybe....maybe......I really don't know...but everyday I open my email I see messages that are sent to me in regards to "chats" so today I decided maybe its time to check in again....Chris is gone now almost 4 years and I still miss him. It's only been a very short time that I have taken the pictures down in the house..but they are not far from me...just in a box in my bedroom so that when I need to just take a look and remember they are close at hand...I will never forget the 22 wonderful years we had together...and today I can still see vividually the day he died. I am trying so hard to move forward...and days, weeks and months go well and then something just hits me and it all comes back. I really went back into memories when a year ago my brother who was 57 had a stoke...but thank God he recovered fast. He is a musician and a carpenter and the really only lasting effects he worked thru was the total use of his left hand...I received an email from him today...telling me that he is feeling good and that it has taken him a complete year to recover...he admitted to me that he really pushed himself and maybe he should not have...and now is working full 8 hour days...I have not seen him in almost 2 years but will finally see him in October...he lives in KY and is coming home for my daughter's wedding. I still struggle with emotions and my greatest struggle right now is that I have met a man and am in a relationship....but I still feel in my heart that I am cheating on Chris...I know that he would want me to be happy...but I don't know how to shake this feeling....one wonderful thing about this relationship is that both he and I have lost someone that we loved dearly and can truely understand each others feelings in regards to loss and sorrow......so I guess now I have proved to myself that I really needed to get back to this site sooner than I did...because my brother's stroke really affected me...and then I should have been back here to talk to others about it.....I hope everyone is doing well....God Bless...don't give up and Happy Fall......

To Everyone at Strokenet: Chris had passed away on Friday 11/23/07. It has been a very difficult time since August. Chris had been in the hospital several times from August thru September. On 9/10/07, Chris was admitted into a respite for additional care since his last hospitalization. He only continued to get weaker. On 11/21/07 he slipped into unconsciousness with a temperature of 105. On 11/22/07 his temperature had gone to 106.1 and at 1:40am on 11/23/07 Chris went to be with our Lord. Chris was a fighter. He never was angry or nasty with anyone during the past 3 1/2 years. He still loved life even tho he was either confined to his bed or his wheelchair. He always kept his sense of humor and wonderful smile. The hospice nurses had told me that even during his last several weeks he was an inspiration to all of them. I would like to thank everyone for your continued support and friendship since Chris' strokes. I know this will be a very long and difficult road - he was the Love of My Life but I know that with God by my side and the help of my friends and family we will all be able to only remember all the happy times that we all spent with him. God Bless and I wish you all Happy Holidays. Kim McMeekin

Chris came home from the hospital last Friday evening. The doctor arranged for him to be brought home by ambulance. We both felt that this would be better for him than trying to get him in his wheelchair. He is still weak. He seems to be doing much better. He's on medication for bladder spasms and still is taking some pain medication - but I would hurt if someone punched a hole in my bladder. This has really made things much easier for me and I know that his incontience was really bothering him. I know that he was getting depressed about this situation. Since he had the cathether placed he now qualifies for visiting nurse's to come and keep tabs on him. I'm glad about this - I think it will take alot of stress off of me and Chris. I think he does worry about his health and now he can talk to a professional about different things and especially if he is not feeling well. Lately it seems like we have been having alot of set backs. Chris' health hasn't been the best for the past several months - but I'm hoping that we are now back on the right track. This was a big hurdle to get over - hopefully now we are on the right track and can get some order back in our lives. I never seem to know what a new day will bring - but no matter what we hang in there together and seem to get through it.

It's been a rough week. Thursday 8/9/07 - Chris woke with a 103 fever. Total change in mental status and sweating terribly. I called the family doctor who advised me to call his urologist. Within 15 minutes rec'd a call back and was told to get Chris to the ER. Here he had a severe bladder/kidney infection and was also septic and had started to dehydrate. All this came on overnight. The day before he was fine. It amazes me how fast something can happen. As of today he is still in the hospital but doing better. He also today had the procedure done for the supra pubic cath. The urologist feels that this will help control the amount and severity of bladder infections. He will also be coming home on a medication that neutralizes the bladder. So I am expecting him to be home by the weekend - hopefully.

Chris has been having a terrible time with urinary problems. Finally I made up my mind and took him to a urologist. Not only has he been going crazy with all of this - but I thought I was gonna lose my mind!!!!!!! :ranting: I felt like all I did was hold the urinal!!!!!!!!!! I swear every 20 minutes to 1/2 hour he was yelling for it. Well turns out he has a neurogenic bladder. Now I feel bad for getting so angry about his situation. I thought that he could control his bladder - sometimes it seemed like he would do things just for attention. But tests don't lie. The urologist was a great guy - he really understood what I was going through as a caregiver. So Chris agreed to be cathed after the doctor explained to us that this problem would allow the urine to back up into his kidneys and there was a greater chance of kidney failure. This week he is supposed to have an outpatient procedure done - the doctor is going to place a pubic cath. I noticed since Saturday Chris seems to be so much more at ease. Saturday night we where talking after we got home and settled and he said that he feels better because he doesn't have to worry anymore about having an accident and that he won't wake up in the morning soaking wet. I can imagine (or even try to)what it must feel like to be such a young person and now all of a sudden having to wear briefs and losing control or waking up drenched. My self esteem would go right to the toilet. Even though this has been really hard, Chris can still find something to joke about. He said to me tonight when our daughter got home from work - "Watch this" - "Hey Wen - tell your mom that I need her - I need to go to the bathroom" - and even though Wen knows that he had been cathed he really caught her off guard - and she yelled for me to come help him. He laughed his butt off. :roflmao: Finally she realized what he did and she turned - looked at him and said "You Brat!!!!!!!"

Well its 3 years and a day. I can still remember but it's foggy that awful night. The one thing that really sticks in my mind - that I really need to work on is the 9 months Chris spent in the nursing home (I call it the hell hole) Chris didn't say anything in regards to how long it has been - he was only excited that I was making him a special "birthday dinner" and that my mom was joining us and having the kids around him. So I didn't say anything in regards to time but was just excited to celebrate his birthday with him. Several weeks ago I had gotten a call from his sister who lives in Florida. She wanted to visit on the 21st to celebrate. Through the course of the weeks - I received phone calls from Chris' brothers and sisters - the celebration also included his brother and family who live in Maryland, his sister who lives in Virginia and his brother who is very ill with cancer and lives in New Jersey. There was no work for me to do - his sister provided all the food and then they all cleaned up - inside and out. It turned out to be a great afternoon - it was nice to have someone else do all the work - and I finally got to just sit!!!! :Clap-Hands: Although now, Chris seems to have more off days than good days. His diabetes is causing alot of problems with his neuropathy and he is constantly getting urinary tract infections. Recently it takes 2 antibotics to finally kill the infection. I talked with his MD and next Friday I am taking him to a urologist - hopefully he will be able to control the problem. My biggest fear is that one of these infections will not be controlled and go through his system. I can't say that the past 3 years have been easy - but I can't say that I have minded one day of having to care for him - no matter how frustrated I get. I'm hoping soon I will learn how to slow down and care for myself................ I thank God he is still with me............ Kim

Thank you to all for your continued support.!!!!!!!!!!!

I was thinking today - I can't believe that it will be 3 years on the 26th since Chris' first stroke. Looking back over this time - I can't really remember how hard I fought to get him out of the nursing home. I guess I have purposely tried to forget it. It isn't an experience I want to remember. I have been trying to remember all the expierences we have been through since he came home - maybe tonight I'm just tired because I'm drawing a blank. It would be so easy to remember and think of all the negative things that have happened but you can't grow with that attitude. I think I'm gonna spend the next 10 days trying to remember all the positive things that have taken place - all of Chris' achievements - maybe start some type of a scrap book or memory book for him and give it to him for his birthday. Tonight I'm just thinking and rattling..........I seem to do my best thinking when everyone else is in bed and you could hear a pin drop.

The medication was Primidone 50mg. He was taking 50mg AM & PM. He has been sleeping 24 hours a day except when I try to keep him awake to eat. I called his doctor today and he was taken off it. He is a ZOMBIE!!!!!!!!!!!! Chris agreed he would rather put up with occassional tremors than to be like this.

Friday night I deceided to take Chris to the local carnival - my main goal was to have him see the fireworks. He loves them. We got hamburgers and french fries, (of which I know are not the best for his diabetes) and then an ice-cream cone :nuhuh: His doctor would probably have my head but I felt he needed to have fun and eat fun food for once. We sat and listened to the band that was playing and then around 10pm the fireworks started. I think he only saw a couple because when I looked over at him he was sound asleep. Although when we got home he must have thanked me 10 times for taking him to the carnival, he said he really had alot of fun. THAT'S ALL THAT COUNTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Today he slept all day. He woke up for breakfast, ate, fell back to sleep until around 12 noon - finally got cleaned up and went back to sleep after his bath and slept till 4pm when I finally asked him if he wanted to get out of bed and sit in his lounge chair - of which he did - he tried to watch the baseball game but slept through that - I had to feed him his supper because he kept falling asleep and couldn't feed himself. Plus I was afraid he was going to choke. I had to keep waking him up to eat. Right after supper he fell back to sleep. I can't imagine that last nights outing made him that tired - I have a feeling it could be the new medication the doctor put him on for his tremors. So I have to check into this on Monday. So if its from the medication which is more important - stopping the tremors or having him awake. If it is the medication maybe the dose can be lowered to stop this side affect. I wish once an answer or solution to a problem would not have negative effects.

Thanks to everyone that responded to my recent blog. Today was just as frustrating until this evening when I saw Chris cry when he lost control of his bladder again. After the events of today I am starting to believe that maybe he really has lost control. What is most frustrating to me (and I see how frustrated he is) is that I have bought so many different incontience products to try to keep him dry that I've gone broke and nothing works. He is constantly drenched which of course is more work for me. I had talked to his family doctor and she has recommended that he see a urologist. A urologist has been recommended by a family member so tommorrow I am going to make an appointment for him and hopefully we can get some answers regarding this and the constant bladder infections he has. Tommorrow I'm gonna try to keep myself calmer - figure out a way to give him added protection - if I have to competely change him I'm gonna try to do it without an ATTITUDE and just try to accept. I promised him that tommorow night we would go to the carnival and stay to see the fireworks. I saw the spark back in his eyes when I told him that we where going out for the evening. We will get through this hurdle...........I need to just keep it together....................