kerrymom7's Blog

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About this blog

Caring for my Mom and everything else

Entries in this blog

my issues

my name is kerry and i am codependent   i think   this is something i am learning about and do not fully understand   i was first told that i was codependent by my husband about 4 years ago   he was in rehab recovering from a drug dependency   one of the first things he told me when he came home was about my codependency issues   i of course figured he was just looking for someone to blame for his addictions   so i got all defensive and went on line and started to read up

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you are strong

i get told this alot   wow you are so strong   you are amazing   how do you do it   you must be exhausted   i hate it   i hate hearing how strong people think i am   how amazing   being asked how i do it   if i am exhausted   i hate it because   i dont feel strong   i am not amazing   i have no idea how i do it   and i am so exhausted i cannot think straight   but instead i smile and say   thank you   and bashfully laugh   say it is

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in my dreams

some nights i have dreams about my mom   i don't know how i feel about them   i wake up and cry after them but they help me remember   what her voice sounded like   how she walked and moved   in my dreams i have my mom   i can pick up the phone and shoot the breeze with her   she has a voice that is so clear and strong   in my dreams she drives to my house on the weekends   hangs out with the grandkids   in my dreams she is my strong and independent mother   t

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irish whiskey cake

i made three irish whiskey cakes this year   st patricks day tradition that no one did last year as we were all still adjusting to the stroke   trying to get things back on track this year   my grandmothers recipe   my mother taught me how to bake this st patricks day goodie   the only thing she ever taught me to cook   she would come to my house the weekend before the 17th every year   and we would have a 48 hour baking marathon   one year we made 12 in two days   t

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the other people in my house

believe it or not there are other people in my house   danny husband age 36   bryon son age 8   james son age 5   these are the other people who live in my house   these are the people who listen to me cry when my mother frustrates me   these are the people who wait patiently while i do the things i need to do with my mom   these are the people i feel most sorry for   the ones that suffer the most when i cannot cope with the responsibilities i have taken on   my husba

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where have all the people gone

where have all the people gone   the ones that said they were mom my lifelong friends   the ones who flooded the icu department of the hospital   where are her sister and brothers   all the cousins and aunts and uncles who said they would be there   where is her son my brother   i am not suprised   i am hurt and disappointed   i try not to get angry   i try not to think that i am it   how sad for my mom      

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feelings

here i am again   still caring for mom   been crying a lot lately   miss my freedom   then feel guilty for that   resent my mom for having a stroke and turning my life upside down   selfish i know but it is a feeling i have   desperate for someone to give me a break   desperate for someone to see that i am starting to crack   desperate for things to go back to the way they were   desperate to wake up one morning and hear my mom say my name   desperate not to

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Just feeling Blah

just feeling blah   every day the same   need a vacation   need a nap   some mornings i can barely pull myself out of bed   by the time i get home i barely have the energy to get the kids feed and in bed   something has to give   is this what depression feels like    

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So Much to Do

i have so much to do for my mom   i have so much to do for my family   i have mounds of paperwork and i don't know where to begin   i have no money my moms nursing care is taking up every cent we have   you have to wait so long for social security and her disability retirement   it is putting big stress on us   my husband went out and got a second job to help us   i asked my brother for 100 a week to help he doesn't have it   must have spent it all on his trip to Aruba

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Living with Choices

i chose for my mom to come live with my family   i chose to live with the sacrifices   i have given up my freedom to leave my house to get milk without a 15 minute explanation of where i am going and how long it will take me   i expected more help   silly me   my family is not around   maybe they take it for granted that my mom is here with me   maybe they feel i have it under control   i have tried to tell them i am sinking they don't hear me   maybe they think if th

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Going Out Guilt

i am going out tonight   tough to do this anymore   gotta get babysitter for kids   gotta get babysitter for mom   gotta deal with guilt when my mom cries because i will not be home at 6   gotta gotta gotta    

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My day

tuway tuway (the ony word my mom says)   its 6:30am   change moms diaper, meds, tv off back to sleep for mom   shower for me dressed breakfast for kids   kids up dressed eat on the bus   workin 9-5   home by 6 mom diaper change   feed the troops   homework showers baths   two hour struggle to get eveyone in bed   holy crap it is 10:30pm   diaper change lights out for mom   clean up get things ready for morning   maybe now i can take off my shoes and und

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378 days

378 days ago i got the call   i am in an ambulance with mom my brother said   oh god she had a stroke he said next   in that instant everything changed   nothing will ever be the same   no more phone calls to shoot the breeze   no more chuckee cheese trips with grandma   no more mom            

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