I am slowly, oh so slowly, breathing in the reality of Ray's death. It is easy to fill my days with busyness, to cook, clean, weed, shop, exercise, walk and find so much to do to fill my days. There are still a lot of tasks to do, I have just finished writing the "thank you for the flowers" letters, 8 of them, to loving and thoughtful friends and thanks yous to the three Clubs we belonged to that also sent flowers. The lilies we put on Ray's grave, the rest I had here until they faded and died.
Since the family went home the house is quiet. I know it was quiet before with only me here but it is a different kind of quiet now. I will have to get a new stereo and blast the quiet away. I am sad now too. While the family were here I tried to keep a smile on my face. That can only be kept up for a certain time and it becomes a strain. It is like trying to be something you are not. Now if I am sad I can let tears run down my face, wipe my eyes, wash my face and it is all over - for now.
It is two weeks today since the funeral. My daughter and family are still here and go home tomorrow. Then the house will be quiet and empty and I will learn what it is like to cope with that for however long I need to. I still have that moment when I look at the clock mid-morning and say to myself: "Time to go and see Ray". It is like an automatic reflex and remains programmed into my brain. I still listen for his breathing in the night come to that and it has been well over a year since he
Most of you know that Ray died on 19th September, late in the afternoon. I haven't got the death certificate but likely cause is the pneumonia he couldn't get rid of plus a lot of other factors. As we all know Ray has been seriously ill for some time. I had been with him most of that day and the three days before but had gone home to have a shower and come back. A nurse rang for me to go back but he died before I got there. I was relieved as he had been struggling to breathe, for two days ha
Ray has pneumonia again. I don't think he actually gets over one chest infection before starting another. He aspirates food into his lungs all the time so sets up bacterial infections in his lungs. Antibiotics work on the side effects eg pneumonia but you cannot vacuum out what is left of the infection in the lungs and start again. So the next cycle of infection begins.
This means I have spent a lot of time with Ray the past week, longer hours as I go earlier to sort out what is happening
Ray did have a good birthday, quieter than the Father's Day picnic as only my daughter and family and Trevor came to have lunch with him, everyone else being busy with their own lives. I did tell them one or the other if they couldn't manage both so I was okay with it. Ray enjoyed being out in the sun, he enjoyed the fuss, the birthday cake I skilfully blended into a bowl of custard, the extra attention from his daughter, son, son-in-law and grandchildren. He was very sleepy though so it was
It seems we have come to a new turn in the road. Ray had a serious seizure on Tuesday and fell off the shower chair. It took four women (no men available) to right him and get him onto the lifter as he was only semi-conscious and in an awkward position under the hand basin. One was very worried as it was her first "lift". He spent the rest of Tuesday and all of Wednesday in bed.
Then he had another attempted fall and possible seizure today and again in the bathroom but this time one of the c
We had a brilliant Fathers' Day with Ray yesterday. I didn't know Shirley and family were coming up till Friday night but was so pleased they were making the effort. Trev and family, my special support team, I knew would have a picnic lunch with us, Steve had not said he would come at all.
Sunday morning I was not on the roster for church so I almost didn't go but decided I have enough to be grateful for in any seven days so off I went. I was asked immediately if I could fill in for one o
Something funny happened at the nursing home today. When I got to the NH Ray was in the large lounge room listening to the pianola. By his side sat L** who is a resident in the nursing home section and a friend now. She was Ray's partner when they played Bingo together. She backed off her wheelchair and waved me over to sit next to Ray.
Behind Ray sat a row of ladies from the hostel section. One of them said in a loud whisper: "Did you see that? That's his girlfriend just moved and that
I had another scary afternoon. I was here for chat Wednesday morning 10am my time, enjoyed talking with the girls and about 11am Debbie farewelled me saying I should go and see Ray. That was great advice. I am glad I went over when I did. I often don't go on Wednesdays as I consider it my day off and do extra housework and some gardening. Ray seemed asleep when I got there so I wheeled him out into the courtyard. I thought he was just tired and would wake up naturally when he heard the chatter
Ray is sitting in the comfy chair asleep when I got to the nursing home today. I was nearly two hours later than usual as I went to a meeting that went an hour and a half longer than it should have. It was a meeting I did need to be at though. Ray was asleep so I sat and read for a while. That gives me something to do. Evenually he woke up and I gave him the drink on his tray. I found a spoon in his drawer to feed it to him with. Thickened drinks go thicker as time passes so this one was
I just hate the sound of the wind howling, the rain slashing, the waves (two streets over) hitting the rocks and that lonesome feeling that comes calling again. Why am I alone, why am I here by myself, where are the friends and family that should be supporting me? I know they all wish me well but that is the extent of their care. I so hate being alone some days.
I have been out to see Ray as usual. A wet Saturday and not a lot of visitors are around because of the weather. There are musi
I have just got back from the WAGS (working aged group for stroke) meeting. Ray and I joined this group five years ago and they have provided fantastic support, for Ray at the Scallywags (men's) group meetings and for me at Carer's dinners and the annual women's weekend. Without fail the convener of the Scallywags group asks me for a report on Ray that he can take to the group. He joked that they always look at the plate with pieces of cake left over and say: "We should take this to good old
I finally got in to see Ray on Saturday. He is supposedly over the chest infection but is actually in a much weakened state and not communicating,not feeding himself (the nurse's aides help him when I am not there), not drinking unless someone else gives him the drink and was crying this morning, tears running down his cheeks and looking at me so pitifully but when I asked him was something wrong he shook his head. I will see the nursing staff tomorrow and report what I saw and see what they t
If I was a singer I would sing a sad song. The bogged down in winter blues. Yes, it is still raining, wet, cold and miserable and Ray has had pneumonia since early last week so I have been spending five or six hours a day at his bedside and I am tired. There I've vented so maybe I will feel better soon. I also have sinusitus so I guess that is making me less able to cope too. Ugh, I hate winter, please, please, please roll on summer.
I went to three funerals last week. The second and th
Today I went to the funeral of the man who almost turned 100. He would have been 100 on 9th October, he died on 15th July. How close was that? I went because he and his wife have been part of the "beer garden group" and we have been friends and supporters for as long as Ray has been at the nursing home. Not long in terms of nearly 100 years of living but a friend in need is a friend indeed.
Three of us wives of residents went to the funeral and then back to the nursing home. We were all
Just a reminder to those who read this that while there is a lull in the frantic activity which the curveballs of life set in our paths there is an opportunity to visit here and enjoy a few days of R & R. I am not exactly a B & B but I do enjoy a visit from friends and that little interchange of ideas in conversation that reminds us we are all joined to the human race.
I have had a busy couple of weeks. The first week of the school holidays I spent down with Shirley and family. It r
I just got back from a very pleasant visit with my daughter and her family. It was the first week of the two week winter holidays so the weather was cold, sometimes wet and sometimes windy but who cares when you are with the people you love? I was able to spend some time with my two grandchildren, Chris (12) and Naomi (8), join in their games and sit down and enjoy watching them do those things that kids love to do like Nintendo, Wii games etc.
I always feel guilty the first couple of days
I didn't think earlier in the year that she would make it but Mum turned 94 today. So today I didn't go to my usual 9.30am church service. I know that Mum is better, more alert and better focussed in the morning so went to see her at that time instead. One of the diversional therapists met me in the lobby, he told me Mum was in the Dining Room. Apparently the Lifestyle Lounge was full and the Boronia Lounge doors still not fixed. I am glad he told me as I would never have looked for her there
Today I was talking to Bob at the end of Caregiver Chat and giving him some probably unwanted advice. The main theme was: "suck it up". It is okay to vent, regret what was, refuse to believe that what is is probably your new normal, like it or not. It is just human to go into denial, want to go back to before (whatever the event that is causing all the angst is) but in the end it is learning to cope, moving forward and developing some new skills and yes, acceptance comes in the end. Given th
I don't know if anyone noticed but I was off air for a week. We had a lot of wet weather and I live on the side of a hill so the ground got soggy and so did the very old telco box buried in the ground that holds the cable...so off went the internet which is ADSL so depends on sound quality. When I used the phone it sounded like it was gurgling and I could hardly hear the person on the other end. I did complain to my telco on Friday and on Monday the gurgling went but my connection didn't clea
I have been having the dreams again, dreams that have the theme I can bring Ray home if only I...and that is the point where it all goes foggy, the answer is out there I just can't get to it. I know why this is happening. I had a conversation with one of Ray's room mates before I left the Nursing Home on Thursday. *N* doesn't have dementia but he does have reduced cognitive function due to lung problems though so he is sometimes oxygen deprived and muddled in his thinking.
He called me back
Thank you to all who sent me birthday greetings, on Facebook, via email or by posting on here. I did have a Happy Birthday. I can say I was dreading it, first birthday without Ray at home etc but my daughter made it special by coming up with her family to spend the day with me. They then stayed an extra night so went home Tuesday about 10am.The children were delighted, two whole days out of schoo which is what children everywhere love, others slaving away them having an extra few days of vaca
I spent about an hour and a half with Mum this morning. Some weeks I feel as if I have short changed her as I've rushed off here and there doing stuff for Ray but not done anything at all for her. There is a young 30 something diversional therapist called Rick who was on duty this morning. He came in to do hand massages on the group who to put it plainly are in God's waiting room and on the short list for Heaven. He said he'd planned to spend ten minutes with each person giving her a hand massa
I just heard some sad news. One of the couples I got quite fond of during the last three years that Ray and I went to Camp Breakaway were an ex-headmaster of a private school and his wife. She was/is the dementia sufferer, he the caregiver. I heard from a mutual friend that she went to his funeral on Thursday. The sad thing is that he is the second caregiver of my acquaintance this week who has pre-deceased the one they were caring for. Another timely warning that we need to take care of our
