bartszatmary

Stroke Survivor - male
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Blog Entries posted by bartszatmary

  2. bartszatmary
    I remember In rehab when I was told "I was high functioning" I almost puked. One day the smartest person in school, Bam! High functioning. What a blow, I could almost always say " Im the smartest person youll know" and it would be true until now. Im handicaped, like in horse racing. I thought about that, I liked it. Not disabled, I can, but slower. I was happy as I could be with that word. Today I was talking to my police cheif, and he said" giving me a handicap would be cheating the race must be even. Your challenged, you can its just more work". How think about it we must work with but fight our limititions and always strive for more. ( it must be right my wife agrees and she beat all the odds.
     
  3. bartszatmary
    Well this has nothing to do the tittle of this blog but it your eye. I think Im doing ok. Ive been living life as normal as I can get. I did miss out on the family going sleding. Its new being handicap. I m trying to forget that Im different Im getting better at it. Dont like it but living with it. Ill see what the next step is.
  4. bartszatmary

    weekend off

    By bartszatmary,

    I decided to take the weekend off. My wife and are having people over sunday for the game. We are steelers fans and our friends ravens its not there fault blame the parents.Lol We get flack being in maryland. We should have fun. Well Im off to enjoy my wife, family, and friends. But first Ill help Kelly get ready. Have a great weekend! GO STEELERS!
  6. bartszatmary
    I Typed for 2 hours I lost 2 blogs I lose most this, this time I lose most of the text like I lost me. Well the Blog was about a Man his handicaps what he lost like the text and his wife and his feelings. I remember When Kelly was proud of me could see it when she introduced me. Now how she be proud now how could she be even happy how can she look at me and say Im glad I have Bart. Every time we go out I look at her watching out for me.how can a man be happy how can man not be angery all the time, Im sorry for my negitive feelings but how can I feel any different Im a burden just a burden to her my family everyone. Its not a pity party not at all I have delt with what happened to me. It sucks but Ill deal. But Im a burden just a burden how can I not be angery and not feel for my wife only part of her husband died and she has what is left can greave but not go on. Kelly I m sorry sorry for the grief in your life all of it. You deserved better. Your burden.
  7. bartszatmary
    .... have kind thoughts about everyone. I will only say nice things. I will will kind to everyone I see and myself. Ill help around the house take out the trash, sweep the floor, and do the dishes. I will be sweet and kind to my family. I will be loving to my wife and Ill. I will... but just for today. Tommrow is another day. I was told to livelife in the present, I realize I plan for the future alot and forget about today. When the plans dont happen for any reason, I then have nothing and, look to the past. The cycle begins again. I have nothing Get older and never wiser. Just for today Ill try to be wiser, Ill try but no pressure please its alot for today.
  8. bartszatmary
    Kelly is off. So I share the puter. So this will be short. I lifted somthing today Im weak on the left guess Ill do somthing about that today. I went for my walk. It was cold, great to get fresh air. I met my replacement at work, a nice guy as long as hes there Ill have a job to go back to. I was about ready when I had #2. How who knows. Kelly has done the papers for ssdi Its in her hands she explanes , I forget, I wonder how it is to be married to "Pudden Head". Must be hard, even harder marriedto a a-hole. Kelly is saint. I dont want to be the same person i was. I guess Ill learn. I can observe the ones I look up to now. I feel like I have had the best days and the worst days of my life. It sucks more then you can imagine to realize your hasty etc person. If it took a stroke or two to see how screwedup I was I glad it happened. We have talked a little about her observations of the affects and effects of my stroke. I notice its my stroke. I guess its mine to beat. IU dont no. Kelly is making lunch gotta go!
  9. bartszatmary
    I crave more emotional support from my wife maybe to be cottled, but do I? It bugs me when my mom does. She is doing everything for me. Im a bigger idiot then I knew. I crave her to say she needs me, she dont need me. I need her. Kelly if you read this Im sorry I wanted you to be weak telling me I have to get better that you need me. Am such a dope I wanted you to be weak to boost my spirits .... heck Im a piece of $$#%@. At the same time I NEED you to be strong do everything for me. Im a creep `an unworthy creep. Im sorry.`Please forgive me.``You say you need to find yourself. You have not lost yourself. You have grown You are a Capable Strong Independent`Thinking Confident Young Woman who had a husband who beat you down. You have grown so much since the end of may. Every wall you came accross you climbed with me in your arms. You are doing an amazing job working caring for all of us and your mean rotten pudden headed husband. You might find yourself a better person then you thought you were. Thank you for being you. Im sorry. I found out how I am Kelly's Lucky husband Bart.
     
  10. bartszatmary
    see! Im Falling Jason got me.Im hot! I cant breath. Im on the ground I cant talk ! &@@#$thanks Jason. I cant breath ...... Zora is in my mouth. Shes in my mouth cant breath! Wait whats going on. I cant feel my arm my leg ok oh&^% I cant feel my left side of my chest. STROKE! CVA! ##$ I cant believe it I in touble now. Wheres the ambu wheres the box! They keep asking me ##$ I cant answer! Cant see cant talk Im ##$ ed.In the box O2 I can breath. Running HOT its bad Im right CVA stroke scale. calling ascom I not good Proity 1 patient not good. Im beathing ok. Im in bad shape! Im ok Im in harford I hear Andrea Shes good thank God Hes there He got off the ambu with me. PLEASE KELLY! I need the drugs better I die then be this way! Thanks Kel Tpa.! I dont feel good That drug is killing me.... Im hurting getting tired so tired.... I cant do it..... I am to tired to beath sorry. I gave up cant do it..... Its calm here, Nice, I dont hurt ,calm.... who there with me???, calm?.Yes?....... I hear Adrea saying breath Bart Breath! come You can do it! BETTER GET KELLY! OH! $%# KELLY! I cant leave her! breath breath! I can do it. In out in out in out yes Andrea you said IN OUT IN OUT I got!! I feel a little better. Wait I feel Me foot! I can bend the right leg The left I got ... I see I dont know that I see. but I see. I hear Kelly !! Oh Kelly IM SORRY. Did I say something ? nmmgmkoomfbb.. God ___ it ... I said that! they were laughing said I was showing off. I cant feel my arm is it there? yes its gone Its here but dead. Im a mess a vegitable. This sucks! Andrea said Im stable Nice term! never good! sable is never good! going to shock trama ! not good! Kelly Im sorry! I"ts not your fault!" SHE ANSWERED! I TALKED! I cant see right did not know the eyes did this! This sucks! It seems its been my theme for while. How you get better? They cant be right. Written from memory. The place of calmness is in my thoughts alot. Could it be? I think so. I chose to say or did HE decide? I wonder? On bad days I wonder alot. It was calm, peaceful, why... ? Will I go back someday? <my thoughts at the time the Stroke monster took our lives>
  12. bartszatmary

    pain

    By bartszatmary,

    I dont know why Im in killer pain, toes curl, leg, arm, neck and head. If I dont post You know why. Im calling out sick. I I feel better I be there. Good night. Its morning I was awake early i posted a few things on different sites then went home to Stroke Net. I said I was going to beat it and Im going to. This post will be short because I need to move before I cant. This morning I promised I will not let my mouth hurt anyone. The part of the brain that died was the filter between my mind and mouth as others have said. If one thing more I cccomplish its to regain the ability to think positive always and not let my mouth hurt anyone. If I cant say nice things not to say anything, my only goal for today. Time to walk. I really think you should walk with me.
  13. bartszatmary
    I know Whats wrong with me, I had a stroke. No really folks. Its my wifes fault, shes young, smart and beautful, and Im old, forgetful, and handicaped instead of being happy Im insescure. Then I think Im jealous, she works drives has health and is in control(shes smart and beautiful). I dont think the control is a issue, its my lack of that hurts( and she is smart sand beautiful). I have to depend on her, that scares me, its not just trust, its my lack of ability(and shes smart and beautiful). I have dumped alot of stuff on her in the past, but now I really cant do it. Dont forget the young and beautiful part. Before I might of given her security, now all I give her is broken dreams,and a hard time. All she wanted is to be happy. How can she be married to a broken man like me, an old handicaped unemployed bum, and her, she could have the world at her feet. Shes a better person then me beautiful inside and out. A yr ago she saw Dick Clark she thought it was amazing how good he was doing(beautiful and caring), I on the other hand thought how could he go out in public( I was mesrable and shallow even then). Thats a big one, shes better then me I dont deserve her. Never did, that hurts now. I could find excuses before, but how a man who takes 2hrs to just type this blog make could make her happy, who could want that? Her staying by my side makes her that much better then I, that hurts. Maybe Im nasty to push her away. I really thank thats a big part of it. Love and self loathing. Push her away, shes better off, she could find the happiness she deserves, and Im devastated and the world topples down on me like I desrve. Then I could hate myself even more. What a sick idea. Im nuts. See See shes so wonderful its all her fault. I know you agree. Ok You say Im a miserable sicko and Im nuts and Its my fault. Ok. Ok It is. Its my fault and Dick Clark looked great. Happy New Year.
  14. bartszatmary
    Alot of thinks Im working with is right on the edge. A wrist brace, one for ankle was suggested. I wanted to try with out it first The wrist Im leaning twards asking now. It takes alot to not have it curl up, I get tired from just keeping it streight. My ankle hurts went I sit it wants to curl. I could not remember how to spell any a damn 3 letter word. It takes me hrs to type this blog. And Im proud of it. I can keep my head up that I have not let it beat me, I sure got beat up by this thing called Stroke. First Im going to spell, walk, run, talk right, Im going to kick Strokes butt. It hurt me, my wife kids, and family. Im goeing to fight it and beat it. Then I can figure out how to help others beat this ugly monster. Im up an hour and my wrists and arm hurt from holding my wrist normal, streight, whatever I not sure how to spell it. Im not whinning Im getting mad at the Stroke monster. If I was younger Id want to go to school to find a better treatment. If it cant be prevented theres got to be better treatments, not drugs for the pain, a devise for surport. We started with muscles, brains that work, they are still there. Theres a better answer. Im going help find it. I going to beat it, we got to beat it. Well I got to start with my exercise. You need to also Im sure.
  15. bartszatmary
    My family went out to celebrate my step dtrs boyfrieds birthday. They all live in my wife and I s house. This morn it was a home but to night its just a house. Im broken hearted Im forgotten. again. I wigged out at my wife I got in my truck and left I was stupid I drove fine but came home if anything happened sahed suffer, but I told her before how it hurt me. I give up. Not once since I had the stroke has my wife told me shes glad I made it. Not once did she go to give me a hug and a kiss I always have to go for it. I love her dearly but it hurt I noticed it since I had the stroke since the day I got home. I get nasty but this is why I felt like I lost my wife and just have a nurse. and its killing me Id wish Id die if it would make her happy Ill keep working if that does. I just want to feel like a man. I dont now its its killing me sucking I life out of me day by day little by little. Im so upset I m gonna sleep down stairs but Im not sure shell care. Dont get me worng she does everything for me but show she wants affection I love her more then she could know. Im lost. I feel like I dont have a family and I love them.
  16. bartszatmary
    I have felt like poop Ill pick it up in the yard. We have a rottie 100lbs and a 130lbs newfoundlander mastiff mix you can imagine I got poop in the yard. Ill clean that up, walk and go from there. I decided no matter what happens Im going to have my head high, be proud of what I can do. and be happy with what I have. Im going out this year happy proud and secure in myself and coming in with the new year the same way. Watch out I have a cane and Ill beat you out of the way, I have places to go and things to do, and Im sure with Kelly by my side. This year will be a new adventure better then the last Im sure and if not now we have experence we will be able to get though anything, remember I have a cane and its metal, Kelly you might have to get behind me while I beat our way through. You have to reach bottom first before you reach the sky! (You all I hit bottom for a while) I before head for the sky I have to pick up poop. The garbage men just got the can dumped. Today poop tomorow the WORLD !Happy New Year! and be careful Im coming through! Have a happy!
  17. bartszatmary

    Loser

    By bartszatmary,

    Im a loser, I feel crap, the pain sucks, I suck, Im depressed and just hurt the one I love, the meds dont work, the drs give the run around, they dont give a crap, I cant stand it. Everyday I sit and type the spelling does not get better, the typing does not get easier or get better. It seems all I do is fail. No Im good at hurting my wife. Shes a great person and Im a loser. Its hard to be happy or positive when whatever you is a major ordeal and you suck at it. Ask me a question but wait for the answer Im sure Im wrong. The night is falling I hope my prayers are answered.
  18. bartszatmary
    `Yesterday I bought 2 horse leads I can hang them over my shoulders, no hands I can use a cane and walk the dogs. My wife has a enough to do but my step kids dont do anything to help her they walked the dogs 3 times since sept. I love her and the kids but the kids are useless. I had the fit of rage earler, just ending now. They know my eye sight is screwed up but they will stack stuff in the hallways I trip on it I throw the stuff out, they do it again I throw their stuff again. They will learn or run out of stuff. Ill put my money on running out of stuff. Ok Im done venting. Thank you. Ok I got the leads I had the the dogs, my arm and leg hurt again. Walking is out. I was cleared for sex but the black and blue on my leg is getting bigger sex is out. So Ill lay here and watch House on TV. Its on all day. A grumpy sarcastic mean know it all, I can relate ok I like him, and he limps with a cane. Hey this can be a great day. I made the bed I have a snack table and exercise my hand, that always hurts(lol) I love to fish I m going to start tying flies ok Im going to try to tie a fly, sorry I had to say it. Changing the subject I pet my dogs every day with my left hand wonder if it feels different to them.I cant feel it at all. Back to tying flies. Oh and watching House! Have a good day Im going to.
  19. bartszatmary

    Im busy.!

    By bartszatmary,

    I now have daily contact with my kids. Two are adults a easy task. The other two are two are 12 & 10 and Mom just set them up with Email. I get messages all day. Not complaining , braging. If I have a complaint I need to now type with two hands to keep up. But I love them Im trying harder more now then ever. I guess I get what I need when I need it. Now I hae to get ready to visit Mom. Have fun guys.
  21. bartszatmary
    I have all my kids back In my life! I have my wonderful wife, my family, my friends, all of you my computer friends I could not make it with out you. God Bless all of you. May He bring the wonderious gifts I have. I have a wonderful life and may you also. Merry Christmas!
  22. bartszatmary
    Hey everyone! I had my surg yesterday It went fine Im a little sore but... Im home! I think I met an angel. She is 84 her name is Evelyn. She had a mesetomy 2 mths ago. She was recovering from a minor surgery today and 12/31/08 she goes in for open heart surg. Her only care at the time was me. When I was discharged the nurse took me to say goodbye to her, shes such a beautiful person such faith and love. Ill ask a favor please pray for Evelyn. Faiths spreads. I thought that my stroke was for a reason. I thought it was because my life was going good and I was forgetting the lord. I wondered why, God must have a plan. I hate to say I lost my patients. I got angry I did not have an answer, and took it out on my wife(Im a dope)I did not have an answer and then got more distant with God.(what a mistake) but
    I got more depressed. It started to get bad. I got crazy. I started imagining my wife, friends ,and family were out to get me. Just picture me not trusting anyone and needing help from eveyone. Talk about depressed talk about crazy. I was more and more paranoid I just stayed in my room but would get mad if my wife did anything. My relationship with my wife got bad we could no longer comunicate it was so bad we avoided each other. I was psychcotic I had paranoid behaviors I hide things and would loose them. Some how I realized it was me, that I was psycho, I got more paranoid I did not know what to do. I finally Had the chance to talk to Kelly. God intervened She was affaid to be alone with me, there was always arguments but one day I was once again in the hospital and Kelly could not get someone to go with her to visit. God knew it was time and my wife had to come alone. I turned my back on God but God never turned His back on me. I was desparate and prayed the famous "God help me " prayer. That day I told Kel I was sorry and told her about my crazy thoughts. Well with Gods help I felt better. As time went on I least my mind did better. My wife and I got along and were getting closer. I started realize I did have a problem. I never trusted anyone since I was a kid I did not trust anyone I was only so close I protected my heart by trusting no one. Now I understood my crazyness. I depended on people. I needed them. That made me unsafe For the first time I really needed to let the wall around my heart down. Well my wife ,brother my wifes sister were with me for my surgery , my brothers wife at home with kids praying. They all love and care about me. I love and care about them always did. They have been by my side though all of this. After my " oh!God" prayer I learned I have a loving wife and family that I can TRUST I let the walls down and finally live. It took now I trust them 2 strokes many illnesses and heart surg for me to truly be free. Thank you God. A wife and family I can trust and I know will always be by my side is the best present I could have . Thanks for the stroke
  23. bartszatmary

    Im awake God is too

    By bartszatmary,

    Being a chistian is a copout. Dont get mad Ill explain. I was rushed to the er I had a stroke There were 3 of us w/ strokes 1 is in pain the other 2 are in paradise W/ God. Im awake because of pain and going in for surgery in the morning I should be a sleep but awake w/ pain. But Im lucky. I lost my job Im broke almost sure woodworking is a thing of the past I cant walk and work my dogs or train the others I was training a passion of mine all my plans and dreams gone and Im lucky. The other 2 in paradise and me in pain and broke and Im lucky. That sounds dumb. But think about it I have beautiful wife who has been my side taking care of my every need I KNOW she in it for better or worse The worse she has made better I know she is there for me, never in my adult life has there someone I could count on like her and I got Kelly. See I told you Im lucky. See Im lucky Ive been telling you that. And all it took was a copout. It was all to much for me and overwelming I was giving up and alittle prayer asking for the Lord to step in and it was done He has taken over why because I asked. Ask for forgivness just try to be better and youll get what you need and somtimes what you want.The Lord gave me vision and I have now seen how lucky I am. The Lord has made me truely see show good I got it and how I might slirr my words limp forget almost everything But Im the man! I got the prettyest wife in town and the most careing , she is beautiful inside a heart of gold When we go out to eat shell make heads turn and she is watching out me for at all times like Im her world and even cuts my meat. What man has it like that. I do. Am so very lucky. All it took to see that was a little prayer and not only to I have Kelly by my side but the lord has the other side and both our backs Its easy, just copout when it gets to much turn your will over to God and Bam God takes over and you see how lucky you are. I did and you can too. Now that we both know how easy it is to copout and for God to take over and know how lucky we are Im goting to bed. I have God awake and watching over me.Good night May God bless you keep and shine His light upon you. May you get the spirit so you too may see.
  24. bartszatmary
    I always faught city hall, so much so I worked for them. Fight the system beat the odds ,im in. I went to the neurlogest today he said the numbness on my arm and hand is permament, much of my weakess will stay Ill be damned. Im not done. I might not get all back but this is not enough Ill beat it. I realize the 2nd stroke pnounia etc put a damper on the recovery but Im not done. I will not give up. I have people counting on me, people who have worked hard caring for me, and I cant be content for all of us Will not be beaten! I cant talk now I got some work to do, latter.
  25. bartszatmary
    I my name is Bart and Im a stroke survior. I am powerless over my stroke and turned over my will to God. What my new path I take will be in His hands I have asked that He help with all my decissions. I ask that His will be done. I also asked for help with memorey and spilling. Tommrow I go for the heart repair. "It be alright". Kelly my wife her sister and my brother will be there. They all have been there from the start. My cheering squad my shoulder my spiritual guidence my nurse caregiver and the love of my life the reason to be will be there with Him what could wrong ? See you when I get back. I want thank you all for surport and kindness Later.