i am on a ledge…. Dan has taken to refusing his meds , eating and drinking although i will hook the IV up later tonight …. He is feeling done with Life -- I don't know why , i really don't other than the control i have taken from him in terms of returning to work… yes he wants me home, but the constant pallor was not a environment for anyone to live in full time 24/7 … Even my Beth is seeking refuge elsewhere - she has decided to move out on her own…. which i completely understand. my son and da
dan can come home today... he will continue to be on oral levoquin ( antibiotic) to continue the combat with the sepsis.... i wont go into him coming home a lot --- i am happy , maybe a good nite sleep ?? I lost a good friend today--- she has had stomach issues for a long time...and apparently her colon burst and sepsis set in on her immediatley... she was at her moms for easter meal got sick, ( her mom is a OR nurse) --was taken to the hospital and airlifted out... but she passed away early th
well we are here spending our first night at the new place... it is beautiful ---- dan is upset wants to go home..... he understands on many levels what needs to be but also is frusterated with the cost of it all.... me - i figure we havent starved yet and faith has gotten us through this far so i keep reminding myself --- god will take care of us --good or bad ---------- i wish it would have been feasible for me to have built on at the farm, but with each seizure and health crisis dans quality
well the condo was on the market officially for about a week -- sold ,asking price, no appraisal cash sale... i guess that chapter is closing... wont be able to make it to the benefit the baby still has not passed and with my anemia i can only manage one stressfull event at a time and fly -- not to mention when i am anemic i have CRAZY legs.. so a flight would not be a lot of fun.. but will go soon... they have benefits fairly often so i can push it off a bit... or just send a check... dan had a
as always our household is busy. I have a doc appt on monday to see about my issues -- surgery coming i am sure …i just can't shoe the tired -ness and yes i work now after a few years of not working but dan makes me pay in blood for that ( sorta literally) so updates --- god i am sick of my life the drama , the never knowing the plain out BS …. we will start with drawing the line - i am exhausted dan insisted i go with to church although our son also went ( 2 weeks ago i had to leave for 20 mi
dan has been progressing latley - but now he has taken to his bed and has decided not to get up.. he will not give an explanation.. has indicated he plans to stay there for 2 days --- problem this is day three..i am so frusterated... and yes we do things when he is up and moving- but not so much that he should feel the need to rest for days at a time... and he is always in control of when we go home ,if he wants to leave ect.... at this point its kinda like if laying in bed and sleeping/watching
i wrote this last night and it is gone today - so i must have messed up something... dan the king of refusing to eat drink and now take his meds has managed to get himself into the hospital... the direction it looks like this is taking is-- a G tube it will solve ( i hope) the hyderation,nutritional and medicine issues.. But is it the right thing to do?? I mean for sure it is a ethical decision or a question of ethics and morals... do i his spouse have the right to impose a procedure on him just
I am so totally lost - dazed, confused, but mostly fried…. or mentally ill…. I have no idea and neither do the docs… so yes for sure my adrenal glands are in over drive… but docs disagree on what if anything to do… my kidneys have a a cyst ( not to uncommon) but requires more evaluation…. I feel as if I can't breathe, but i can…. My heart feels like it s breaking all the time… My memory is shot …… BURNT - is probably the right word… I think of a drug addict and the way they act, and that is how
after dans episode of spasticity and pain the othernite i noticed during bathing today he had a new injury on his toe next to his big toe. so i called for a appt to see a podiatrist . wow they had a opening.. today.... we went and she had time to remove his bigtoe - toenail-------- so unexpected but necessary as his bigtoe toenail was beating up the smaller toe when his toes, feet would spaz. so we did it -now he is "laid up" and hurting - because of course this has set off fullblown central nue
Well Nursing Home life isn't easy for Dan or myself. I continue to visit daily during my noon hour. It is bitter sweet. My sister notices everytime I return from a visit on the weekend how sad I am. I can't seem to let go of our prestroke lives. I never realized how co- dependant I was. Almost 5 years out now. The first two taking care of Dan at home was fabulous, no it wasn't - right--- the refusals the not drinking the not eating -- on and on.. But for a bit I tricked myself into the rose colo
AAAHHHHHGGGHHHHAAA - ( sigh) the sound of my heartbeat goes on, but make no doubt my hear tis broken---- I am trying so hard to cope with all of this… But for some reason I just can't do it… I went to talk to the priest ( dans ) - i am not catholic- but for all intents and purposes i guess i am 30 years of going to church should qualify me for something… I THINK - and bear with me I am a work in progress…. that I am gonna go ahead and place Dan in the nursing home… He now hold that as a trump ca
dan has been awake and doing well, so far so good... his mood is good, he is about at his prestroke baseline... for stroke side effects aphasia,, ext... but he has ketosis ( had) now his body needs to flush that out... that is basically his body saying you starved me and i started to eat myself ( unfortunately muscle) and the doc said what you did to yourself could have been as bad as a stroke , but of course dan grasps for a little while and forgets... he doesent seem to know what happened and
Dan had a seizure last night playing cards - that is his only recreation , and now it has the potential of being ruined - he was pretty embarrassed .. And he was sitting on a high stool ( a big job to get him into that) but as always i was right next to him when it happened - so i caught him before he would fall… how in tune we become with our loved ones… all i could do is hang on to him tight and hold him in the chair - no easy feat for 5 min.- he went about 45 seconds no breathing during the s
Angels in disguise ... Well dans surgeon is certainly that... Very smart man.....Dan is finally at the point of me having to call for the ambulance ..he is so mad he is appearing comatose.. But I get him here and the ER doc who is not really familiar with Dan said from a medical standpoint I can't really keep him he actually isn't that dehydrated his Coumadin is a little high but other wise , what can I do to help you ... I said we'll can you have the surgeon come over and see about replacing th
dan has been in and out of the ER a couple times over the last week... he has this awfull lower rt pain.... everytest under the sun has been done... he just sleeps and sleeps.... I sure wish i knew ... did a scan of his organs nothing.... the man is just in so much pain and so tired ----- he is not exactley uncooperative and actually for once this isent behavioral....i just feel like more and more get taken from us all the time... the stroke and its effects won't go away i know this but can new
dan still is happy with purchase ,, went to casino today,, i'm getting 20 mpg no kidding .... which is almost as good as the acadia gets and better than my pickup..... i hope i'm doing the right thing--- feels like it today no buyers remorse yet... oh yah and 100.00 per yr to insure cant beat that!!
well i'm not sure about the spelling of it nor do i care a whole lot about the spelling.... dan is sick with what i believe is aspiration pnuemonia- he was eating at the time of his last seizure and it seems he did aspirate into his lungs... i worried about that... or he just a has a plain out bad cold.. i dont know cause getting into a Doc is near impossible -- especially one we actually know.. so ironically the ER doc knows him well so i will wait till tonight and take him in then... stupid an
I have been petty diligent about blogging until the last few months - life has taken a turn for me… I feel like I am living in a surreal world, - we know I don not have a brain tumor ( MRI done) - we know my blood work is messed up my liver enzymes are up and my kidney function is down… we know my thyroid is "normal". although I have many symptoms of a thyroid storm… I had a ultrasound of my liver done and i am set to have a ct scan of the liver when i get home. I and Dan are in AZ right now -
Dan is refusing his meds again tonight.. he is emotionally locked in on being angry... the reason i used my blinkers....Oh the wonderful things strokes can take from us... his tolerance for noise at certain times is so minimal sometimes.. of course i will us blinkers even Dan can't propel me to risk other peoples lives... i truly didnt see "it ( tantrum)" coming... We finally got some truly nice weather today, so we went for a long walk.. there is a nice walkway nearby ,all smooth cement to pus
I feel so much better- finally- med changes-- lamictal , Effexor and abilify --- i have been weaned iff the nortrytriptylen... thank goodness i have done nothing but eat, now i at least feel sensations again.
Putting Dan in the nursing home has been good for him and I. To stubborn and stupid on my part to what needed to be done. if any newbies happen to read this..... Be careful ! 24/7 with a severly affected love one, can be done..... but a mental illness can creep up on you. Mine sure did...
dan and i are more or less settled in our new home... i had fought so hard to stay on the farm and i do miss it so much.... but in reality oh that cold reality this is a much better situation for us.. not something we would have done in a million years if it hadnt been for the stroke but- the stroke as we all know "rules" our lives.. it in our paticular situation dictates where we live, where we go, requires a lot of planning just to run to the grocery store, it dictates relationships,when we sl
my question has always been what if dan has a seizure in the tub... well he did today not in bathwater but sitting there doing his compulsive cleaning...had to have ambulance come and do a safe transfer to get him out of the tub...then to the ER and overnight admit.... another day here in our household..nancyl
well after having so many "tough" times with Dan - i decided it was time to look into a condo--- completley handicap assessible with a sticker tag of 180,000. grand-- here in ND that huge.... anyhow i didnt get the place and i actually bid 500.00 higher than asking.. but i was not a cash sale...... so no go for me..... the other people bid a little lower with cash --- so the boom in ND as predicted is hitting home... im gonna sound very pregidous here but i have only seen the underbelly of out o
I guess writing gets the frustrations out- or something… that and as i have always said -- it is like leaving a road map for another to know they are not alone… the problem we have - I think we are alone -Dan and the Depression is just so bad… I even had a gal come and do Reiki on him… she said he "pulled a lot of energy out of her" -- that I believe… even when i just sleep next to him right now i do not feel the least bit refreshed when waking-- just BLAAHHHH…. I still do things don't get me wr
dan has lost enough weight that the docs are getting "concerned" ------ i was hoping at some point dans issue of not eating and drinking would resolve itself..Guess not... so the nuerologist is recommending it and dan consented to it for her..so now surgical consult still have to call and get that set up..the nuerologist is hoping this will help with the incredible pain he experiences in his stomach - she feels like if could get adequate hyderation via g tube it will start to resolve..of course
