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About this blog

A day in the life of a diva

Entries in this blog

climbed that mountain... but still have my gear for another climb

I believe I hit a mile stone. I was always trying to not accept how far were my limits or what I can do for I always wanted to keep the hope alive that, even though I knew what was realistic, could be better... When I reached that point ( reaching my limitations), I got scared angry because I didn’t want it to be ‘ my cap’.   Now that it’s happened ,holy cow ,I feel better but I do understand that I may revert back to other “stages of grief  but sadly my co workers heard the 12 years of trying t

Why speech therapist are so important, and not just for talking

So I work for the an organization that supports individuals with both mental and physical disabilities and mostly are adults, at least I where I have been. With anyone, aging may cause other health issues like dementia, Alzheimer's.  I worked with a man, who was on a chopped diet, ( food cut no more the 1 inch and eliminating foods that could cause choking) and I would explain to him that I also had issues with swallowing too. Well, I got moved to another program in since December, he had to go

ksmith

ksmith

Bring it

Well tomorrow is the day that I only consume liquid. I have Tuesday I have a surgery that will change my life for the better. Then why am I scared? I’ll tell you:   I explained it to my mother that I feel like a drug addict that is facing life after rehab. The fear of the unknown. It is a common fear with this according to other candidates for the surgery. So I’m not crazy? I often say to myself; ‘I love my pizza and pasta and goodies’, and then I feel trepidation with my decision. Crazy righ

ksmith

ksmith

Timber..but saved the most important thing

so the other day I did something silly. I was holding my plate of hotdogs, a girl gets hungry, and my head and feet lost their way. You know the feeling when you fall and there is nothing you can do but just fall. So that's what I did. I, in a split second, had to figure out what to do with my hot dogs. I ended up dropping them but ended eating them...hey a girl has to eat. I landed on the corner of my living room table. It was EXTREMELY painful. I played it off for a few days, pain and sorenes

ksmith

ksmith

yikes

Well yesterday started out like any normal day except I was doing a little housework for I was getting ready to go to my son's to be with him for his dad ( my ex husband) and his new girlfriend were leaving the next day for a flight to catch a cruise. So running around and doing cleaning wasn't anything new. I work better rushed and have done so in cleaning even after the stroke. But since I'm kinda having all the things I can't have after my surgery: like soda and coffee, I'd had a cup in the

ksmith

ksmith

life change

So by now, everybody knows that when you have a stroke, or any medical condition, that doesn't allow you to move that well that weight becomes an issue. Well I'm about 110lbs over weight. I've tried so many diets as well as seeking the advice of multiple nutritionists and the verdict is I eat very healthy overall but I'm not eating enough so my body is going into starvation mode,my body feels i'm not getting enough calories so it stores all the calories I do eat and turns that into fat...like it

ksmith

ksmith

YAY.. I AM NOT SLOW.. well kinda but not as bad

Well today I got the results from my neuropsychology and I was very pleased. I’ve learned that my recovery has been very good and strong in a lot of aspects I do have some difficulties in my frontal lobes in my executive function. It’s strange because when you hear what kind of stroke I had you would assume that it will only focus on one side of my brain when in fact it focused on many parts of my brain. My family doctor only sees the stroke happening on my left side of the brain but he forgets

ksmith

ksmith

oh boy

There is never a moment with hanging out with me. I woke up one night I noticed a very delicious looking recipe for sliced cucumbers and I knew exactly what I had to do. While my son and I were watching the Olympics on television I decided it would be the best time to slice my cucumbers. I did not expect is that them to sliced so smoothly then again, that’s what the mandolin was designed for. I was swinging my arms back and forth effortlessly cutting the cucumber and the next thing I knew I had

ksmith

ksmith

losing children ....

This is probably one of the most difficult things I’ve blogged about. As I blogged the other day, my family got together for a family reunion as well as a memorial service for my grandparents whom passed away, each separately but joined together once again. I flew my oldest son up from Florida for a fast weekend visit for he was extremely close with my grandparents as well. Seeing him again was great and trying to remember he was twenty-two was a challenge especially when he would have a beer

ksmith

ksmith

Losing beautiful souls

I was very fortunate to have my grandparents in my life for 42 years, yet sadly I’m not aware of most of those years. This weekend, my family gathered at the family plot which my grandparents had their headstone and plot already there for many years, for a service to lay them to rest together. My grandmother was in one of her Beatrix Potter figurines while my grandfather was in a lovely urn. From what my family shares, it was lovely. I wasn’t there until they were leaving for I was to pick up my

ksmith

ksmith

2nd hand memories

I’m getting better at living my life in the now and not be so distracted by the limitations of my stroke. Living on my own and not sharing my life with anyone is also opening my inner self and not be so afraid of life outside of marriage. And to be honest….it’s pretty awesome. Yeah the money is tight and learning to live without having a job that gives me a paycheck is pretty difficult to swallow sometimes but I begin to think of the other survivors and I’m thankful. Thankful to have my own plac

ksmith

ksmith

i am asking for advice please

I am going through a tough time right now with trying to explain to my ex husband that being divorced and me being disabled, doesn't mean I am available for watching our son all of the time. His ( ex) theory is because I am his mother, I am supposed to be with our son when there is a need. I have tried to explain to my ex husband that just because the fact we get along doesn't mean that I must be here for his need of child care. No matter how much I try to explain to him that being divorced mean

ksmith

ksmith

i knew I wasn't crazy

So I have to share my news.. ( maybe for the first or second time lol)   While I was writing my blog about memory issues since my stroke and I wanted to write the proper name of my stroke. It was twofold; not only the risk of clot traveling to my brain from vertebral artery but the actual stroke which occurred from a clot that went in my posterior circular system that includes Basilar artery and carotid arteries. I was always focused on my vertebral stroke and not so much of posterior effec

ksmith

ksmith

alright kids I did it

I 've finally signed up for a dating website and what scares me the most is having to tell my story and be turned down. Im not doing to think if that, we shall cross that bridge when and if it should arise. The one thing that throws me for loop is I'm looking at men in at 50. That seemed so old for so long and i'm 42 but mentally feel I'm in my 30's. Fingers crossed

ksmith

ksmith

groundhog day......memory

I know. ..I know... Let it go... it's the past.   Well easier said than done. Everyday is a new day to me and they blend together. I understand now how hard it is to let go. Most things I have but some are buried in my soul. Yes as you might have guessed It I'm back at my ex's but only for 3 days a week and every job after that I go a day less. He is my son and I'm trying to teach him to be a 13 while his father is still wanting him to be a little kid. It's frustrating. But the real issue

ksmith

ksmith

ummmmm....

Well today officially starts the first day of the sale of beach tags for the summer beach season. Good thing my father is the beach director but no deals or sales.. oh well at least I'm starting not to be so self conscious because I started to listen to my parents again as they fill in my 'lost gaps' of memory. Pretty scary stuff from their perspective. As with most everything I hear about my past sounds like a movie or story I would find in a library. So I went to a small business expo in So

ksmith

ksmith

I'm fed up

So.. i have been coming to my ex husband's house helping out with our son. I love spending time with my son BUT enough is enough.   Time is blending together. I know I have to leave because WE ARE DIVORCED. I loved helping him but I can't even tell you what year we divorced for I'm always here and it's blending together. It's like we're still married. But last night just [pushed me over the edge. I say to my ex: " your girlfriend has offered to help out in the mornings with our son' and his re

ksmith

ksmith

divorced people with children

So i finally had it up there moment.   I've never be through this nor have most of the people in my family. So..   I've been coming to my ex husbands to help with our son with school transportation and to fill the gaps that ex is gone for work in mornings.   OK so here's my beef::   I enjoy being up with my son, don't get me wrong but ,   I'm in my old house and with my stroke brain I have no concept of time so even though we have been divorced for 2 years, i'm always here.   I t

ksmith

ksmith

Thanks Katrina ( Cagedbird)

It struck me how Katrina was a part of my psyche. I was heading back to my sons house when I became overwhelmed with the thoughts of dating again. How we were predisposed to many ideals of how 'Beauty makes you happy" I admit that for most of my life I've suffered from Body Dysmorphia. I've seen doctors and been in and out of therapists offices for years to no avail.But that's neither here nor there... ANYWAY I gained a bunch of weight but have lost some and now upset that the person who i meet

ksmith

ksmith

blank mind

hi guys.   I'm having a difficult time with something and am asking for help..   It comes down to it,, I truly need help understanding how a person with a stroke feels.. inside. 'But Kelli, you had a stroke?'.. yes but I was given the chance to lose that. Either a blessing or a curse that caused me to lose the memory of my life prior to this unfortunate event and that makes it difficult to understand the grieving process. I know I went through the process but i can't remember my steps. I can

ksmith

ksmith

acceptance

OK. So I needed to talk   My ex-husband finally said he has a girlfriend. I should be happy for him and I am but.. he and i are great friends yes but he is the ONLY man in my life I know of because my life basically started after my stroke. But why do I care? I guess it's the fear of feeling being damaged. I feel like a hypocrite sometimes.. I often say to people the shouldn't feel that way and now I'm the one telling ya'll that. I know realize i was in denial. What he doesn't understand,

ksmith

ksmith

well starting something new and inspired by Stroke net

No I'm Leaving... lol   I obtained my LLC and the beginning of my dream, but at a snail's pace, of starting a blog that tells the story of my recovery and challenges of regaining that spark again. It has been a challenge for me and many others finding 'ourselves' after a stroke. Unfortunately there aren't many women willing to talk so candidly about this subject and ya'll know me.. I'll talk about anything and everything with anyone for most times, these are the questions many people have but

ksmith

ksmith

AAARRRGGGHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I just wanted to bury my head under my pillow this morning. Rain , rain, rain all day. I try to be in a positive mood and most days I truly am. But today all i want to scream out my window is   F**K my stroke F**K my eye sight F**K being happy I just want to go back to bed. I think I'm going through Christmas Burnout.   I think because this is the FIRST Christmas I'm spending alone until my son comes down at noon with my ex husband.   I'm ranting,, I'm sure after a shower and food I'l

ksmith

ksmith

What a morning

OK i Have to get this off my chest:     Picture this.. I get into my car after changing from weight watchers to go to the Sea Food Festival. My cell phone rings for a message so i answer it.   "Kelli....... this is Mike from Florida.. please call me as soon as you get this" ( Mike is my oldest son's grandfather ) By this time my heart is racing for he NEVER just calls me. So I hurry and called him back.   conversation goes as follows:   " Hi Mike it's Kelli. what's up?"   "Hi kelli..

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ksmith

sad truth and what keeps me humble

so I was going over to my sink and it hit me :   I could never have afforded the place i'm in without having had a stroke and lawsuit.   I am completely in awe of everyone whom I've had the pleasure meeting here. I often feel disingenuous after reading the individual stories here mostly due to I see the daily challenges faced. I know a stroke is a stroke and we all have our own struggles and don't compare ourselves to others. I agree.. i just wanted to share my deepest sincerity when i say

ksmith

ksmith