merichsen

Katrina,

I read it all. I'm sorry you ran ragged for nothing, but you did make some headway at least.

I really feel for you, I lived in seizure solution hell for a long, long time. after being on a laundry list of medications and the nightmares of their side effects. They finally resolved that my myoclonic seizures to be stroke induced epilepsy and put me on topiramate (Topamax). The drug was really intended for migraines but found to be effective for seizures too, so at the guinea pig stage I was, my doctor said could it hurt to try since the side effects are minimal. Pretty cool, I've been seizure free for 5 out of 9 years.

I had a mix of them all too at different times. The good news is, this is an easier fix than our hand and stuff like that,. The neurologist will figure it out, give you something to manage it once and for all, and it will be done.

(((hugs))),

Maria

Honey,

I lived with panic attacks for years before my stroke. The way I tried to manage them was to rationalize that as long as I wasn't driving, What was the worst that could happen to me? I'd black out? I actually learned meditation after a while so I knew I didn't need to live in fear of them because I knew how to calm myself down. ~ Post stroke I don't get anxiety attacks. I still find mediation extremely calming, however, post stroke found it very difficult to do. Things like neurosensitivity and spasticity keep you in much too of a state of heightened awareness.

I also know before I seize I fel like I'm having one of those dreams where you're trying to run away from something and your legs won't work, or yell and nothing comes out.

Not much you can do about it either way for now and worrying won't make it stop or fix it. The doctor will have the answer and tend to it. You are with your dad so you are safe.

We love you so be sure to let us know how you make out.

Love,

Maria

xoxoxo

Asha,

It's so good to see you appreciate how far you've come enough to have the confidence to say you are proud of yourself. Coming to the realization that you still can find a sense of pride in yourself after the long, hard road of learning to do things differently is a true accomplishment.

It 's not easy not to become discouraged and give up along the way. The fact that you kept chugging along, persevered, and can say Look at me I'm proud I can do things! is huge.

We are very proud of you too. You are one of our best success stories.

Love,

Maria

Asha,

Try not to anticipate the worst. At the end of August I gave Michael and all his fellow new freshman friends who were leaving my speech about staying focused, doing well, kissed them goodbye and told them I'd see them at Thanksgiving.

Two weeks later I found them eating me out of house and home as usual in my kitchen. When I asked what they were doing there, the response I got was that there was a strategy to picking a school that was only an hour or so away so you can come home when you get hungry or homesick because you miss your mother.

I almost had to laugh because I knew how honest they were being. I spent a lot of the summer listening to their fears about having to go away. They knew if they couldn't do it, it meant a lot of money down the drain for their parents. My son grappled with the same thing, but he knows as independent as he is, he doesn't make it sleeping by a friend's house without driving home in the middle of the night because he's hungry. He also knows he doesn't like a lot of noise, so if the party isn't over when he's ready to crash and it's his dorm, there's no I'm getting out of here to the safe quiet of home. My son's school didn't allow freshman to have cars so after he felt miserably stranded at Prom party weekend in Wildwood when he wanted out and had to wait 2 hours for us to go get him.

That seemed to be the big eye opener for him. He was very annoyed that everyone was rowdy and obnoxious. I said little boy, what do you think college is going to be like? Kids your age just like this who will drink, can't handle it and get rowdy and obnoxious. You won't have a car just like this, so take in to consideration we won't taxi you back and forth because you don't want to spend weekends in the dorm.

Michael thought about it and knew he'd be gambling 60k in tuition for something that really wasn't for him. He instead chose to stay home and go to school locally so there would be no room and board.

My older son did the same thing, but he knew right off the bat it wouldn't be for him. He's a junior at Rutger's, his commute is pnly 30 minutes. He and Mike will go back sometimes at night if there is something going on or a party, but they can decide when it's over for them and just come home.

Don't underestimate Ashay's ability to make decisions, choices, or find a good fit for what is right for him. As parents it is often hard to let go of thinking we know what is best for them, being protective, and letting them think for themselves. He's a smart young man who may surprise you with what his thoughts are about going away. Don't be afraid to ask.

Love,

Maria

Katrina,

Your tenacity has taken you so far. As you now move to independence and building your career, you are sure to discover just how amazing you are! Receiving awards and accolades can not even begin to compare to what self discovery will do for your self esteem and confidence.

Don't be shy or afraid to blog about how proud you are of yourself or amazing you think you are. We all know it and have been waiting for years for you see it for yourself.

Love,

Maria

WOW! You made me cry!!!!!!

What I just read was maybe all my hard work was worth it because I'm proud of who I am just as I am. Instead of looking to God to fix me, just maybe I'm not so broken if I look to Him for how I can be instrumental to do His work.

Just like that you're not broken and searching, but have been found and given purpose and direction. He works in mysterious ways and always heard your prayers.

God bless you sweetheart.

Love,

Maria

Rico,

You don't have to wait to find someone else out there who doesn't know about this website to tell to give comfort to. You have plenty here to offer help and a hug to just by answering a post and saying...You're not alone, I know how you feel.

If that's all you have right now, please don't underestimate the power of letting someone else know there's someone in the same spot as they are. We didn't all start out like this you know. We started just like you, very confused, depressed, and thinking we weren't ever going to see a better day.

Those of us who are responding are pretty far along and it took us a long time to get here, and you will too. We can't get people to reach out and say please help me I can't do this alone. The fact that you have the courage to reach out is HUGE.

Prayers & (((((hugs))))))

Maria

Leese,

It's really more about control. If we look for blame for what happened to us and feel it could have been prevented had we known, we blame ourselves. We then continue to look for ways to undo what has happened with often methods that make as little sense as the event itself, but still allowing for a sense of control over our destiny. ~ This is most often felt by those who feel cheated because they believe they didn't deserve what happened.

Of on the other hand, when we accept that things just happen and we don't control whether or not they do based on if we deserved it, we're free to be happy, even disabled by stroke.

We then have the freedom and positive attitude to work to move forward in recovery and life instead of remaining stuck in a dead end self-pity place going nowhere.

It will take time, but she'll eventually learn that there's nothing she can do to undo it. Maybe start by helping her see strokes just happen and devoting time to undoing it is just giving up more of her life to it.

Thanks for kicking your soapbox in my direction.

(((((hugs))))))

Maria

Yolie,

I know nothing sounds worse than brain surgery and the prospect of someone picking around in the brain. Please know though that from those of us who have gone through it, of which I am one.

Based on experience I assure you neurosurgeons are the best the medical field has to offer because performance at that level only allows for the absolute best of the best.

Taylor will be in very highly skilled hands and moving on with childhood in no time.

Of course most importantly Taylor will be in my prayers.

Love,

Maria

Fred,

Somehow I get a very strong sense that you were a survivor long before your stroke. Survivors realize and accept that sometimes bad things happen in life and seeing themselves as victims only causes them to surrender their life and happiness to the event. Your positive and upbeat attitude about life is inspirational and a prime example of the difference between a victim and a survivor.

Maria

Dyan,

It's much more labor intensive for us to use our affected side. As adults we know we must get things done and tend to push through despite that it is not easy. Children, being children, take the path of least resistance. Given the option to do homework without some consequence or reinforcement, kids will likely do nothing.

When he's Cayden is rested and it is easy, he may be more willing to use it. When he is tired anf it becomes a chore it is easier to just let it go. As he gets older and more determined to remain actively involved, the more he'll likely fight through to use it.

((((((hugs)))))

Maria

Katrina,

The first question I was asked when I asked for an objective opinion on this was, Why would it go to the medical review board? It's not as though she had a seizure or it was a result of her stroke. Even if she had failed to signal or misjudged and it was her fault, she has her license like everyone else now. People make mistakes all the time, are at fault, and no one reviews them medically to review their licenses. There is no reason why it should be done to her.

Try not to worry honey. You are assuming that it will immediately be attributed to your stroke, instead of maybe jut that you're not a very experienced driver, he was in your blind spot, oops you screwed up. Try to calm down a bit and give yourself a break. Even if it is deterined that you were at fault keep in mind, this is why pencils come with erasers.

You want so badly to be normal honey, learn to accept that "normal" people screw up all the time. Having had a stroke as a child, you never really had a chance to see how imperfect most people really are. I know it must be difficult to have grown up only trying to determine how you measure up through the eyes of your deficits. I guess to some degree it hasn't helped that it each of your accomplishments seems to have...and she's a stroke survivor attached to it like Wow that's what made it such an achievement. Truthfully, what an injustice to you personally. Each alone would be a huge accomplishment even without the stroke thing. Most "normal" kids never achieve those goals because they screw up along the way by not staying focused long enough, keeping their priorities straight, etc. The fact that you were able to in spite of your stroke makes it all the more amazing. Had you not it would not have meant you were broken, just another kid. With your accident now you may just need to realize that you are just another adult, not broken just normal.

Love you,

Maria :mwah:

Katrina,

Such doom and gloom. Stop for a minute honey. As Ruth said...You didn't even really say if the accident was your fault. It seems that you are anticipating bad things to attribute to the fallout of your stroke. Things happen anyway honey, and would even if you'd never had a stroke.

Did you stop and consider that the ninny driving the Hummer may have not been all too experienced with it? Things in life just happen. It's all part of growing up and most times really have nothing to do with your stroke.

The trials and tribulations you've been through.... two faced best girlfriends, heartbreak of a first love, trying to find a place to fit in are things you would have gone through growing up as a teenager anyway even if you had not had stroke. The stroke only made it harder for you because it made you feel that much more different. Think of it this way: You were actually better than the average girl because you made it through with the added challenges when all they had was basic insecurity.

This is just like that, just par for the course. It happens, not caused by the stroke. It's great that your experiences have molded you in to a responsible adult, but you only need to take responsibility for what YOU actually create now by your decisions. If you had gotten in to the accident because you had made a poor decision by driving under the influence then it would be your responsibility to own up to. Other than things you bring on yourself, stuff just sometimes happens that you have no control over. If you let things that effect you that you aren't really responsible for it will only make you angry and bitter ~ you're too pretty for angry and bitter.

Can't blame God or yourself because you know you don't deserve it. Maybe try to accept that bad things sometimes happen just because they do, and pray that God continues to keep you safe and gives you the peace of mind to understand His will.

Love you,

Maria :mwah:

Sweetheart,

Think about the full scope. Being an inspiration does not necessarily mean you always need to be perfect. To be one others can look up to and emulate isn't it important for them to relate and see you are human?

What good is an image that's impossible to live up to? It's okay to hurt, feel tired, and ask for help. It shows others that you are human and a real person. When others see you are real like them, they are inspired because they believe you are like them so if you can do it they can too.

I may be wrong, but I'm somewhat hearing that you'd like to live your life and through it be an inspiration, but aren't too happy with celebrity of it and the part you must play to uphold that.

If you really don't like it learn to say no, instead get involved in other ways you can make a difference that are more in line with who you are.

Maria :mwah:

Kelli,

I've always lived by the rule to not argue with ignoramuses. Just based on their behavior I knew it couldn't be just me and odds were those around were likely victims of the same nonsense too. Putting myself through the humility of defending myself the bully to those who likely knew just didn't make sense.

Don't think for a second his family doesn't know EXACTLY what he is like or that this is the first time he has done this. They know he's the bully and power monger of the crowd so it's pretty unlikely anyone is going to make themselves a target by coming to your defense.

Your family consists of you, your husband and your son. Who really cares what the dynamics are of your in laws family with their children? That was their kids sibling rivalry. Your strong prestroke personality may have just been a threat to it.

Try to keep in mind there's really nothing to win. The best way to combat someone who tries to play with your emotions is with apathy; they can't mess with you if you just don't care.

Love you,

Maria

xoxo

Maybe reconsider renaming it "What Katrina usually accomplishes when her resilience and never ending spirit".

Babies don't learn to walk by hitting the ground running and neither do we. Just because you didn't accomplish your goal in a short frame of time doesn't mean all is lost. Practicing walking short distances at home with dad nearby to spot you, trying to break the habit of holding the rail, and really thinking about your arm to swing it are things you just still need to work on.

The botox only hurts that badly the first time because your muscles were so tight and had shrunk so badly. After the first it's a breeze and the results are much more dramatic. Don't quit now unless you want to go back to square one. Each time you get a series of injections it will help you pick up where you left off and you'll continue to make progress. By about the 3rd round I didn't even feel them anymore, I just can't look cause I'm too squeamish and chicken.

Don't you dare give up now or you'll make me come down there and drag you there myself.

Maria :mwah:

Frankie,

Blog whatever is on your mind that you'd like to share. Your great attitude, warmth, and positive outlook are contagious, inspiring and always welcome.

Maria :mwah:

Susan,

Nothing is trivial when it's happening to you. There's no need for guilt since you're not complaining, just sharing what you are experiencing.

I don't know how many will share their stories directly here, but you can read our collection by clicking on this link: Member Stories

Keep blogging it will help.

Thank you for your prayers, we will keep you in ours too.

((((((hugs)))))))

Maria

Good for you Fred. Glad you made it there and back safely. My money would still be on you if you were still among the ranks. You're a tough act to follow. Those kids have nothin on you, you're a legend. :You-Rock:

Maria :friends:

NO SWEETHEART IT IS NOT EASIER GIVING UP. No the doctor is not crazy you do have to stretch it like that to excruciating pain every day. Best way to do it is to weight bear it or get someone with no mercy to help (I'll send my son over). The good part is the pain is temporary until your muscles stretch back to size. Once they do you'll be able to move your arm and hand pretty easily and if you keep up with your injections they won't shrink so it won't tighten up again. In addition to the painful stretching, as you're sitting watching TV, relaxing, whatever get in the habit of playing with it with your other hand by stretching it open. Before you know it you'll be amazed, you'll be relaxed and you're hand will just stay open.

Now you want to be a real girl Pinochiette ~ shoes hmmm ~ that's a little tougher. but not impossible!

Check out http://www.footsolutions.com/womensshoes.aspx

Here are a few that should be near you: http://stores.footsolutions.com/zip-locate-results.php

They're not Jimmy Choo's, but they have Oh!'s and some other pretty stylish nice ones. They are familiar with these type issues and will fit your very specific needs like if you have claw toes and an AFO.

Acceptance is not necessarily settling and giving up, it is more being happy with and liking who you are.

You are a beautiful, accomplished young woman with great will and spirit admired by many, don't define yourself by an arm and leg. You are so much more.

Love,

Maria :mwah:

Fred,

You are such a happy, cheerful person to be around. You brighten the site with your uplifting spirit wherever you are ~ blogs, message board.

Thanks for just being you and part of our family.

Maria

Gotta tell ya sweetheart, I does not sound at all like you ran out of miracles to me. Sounds an awful lot more like you may just have received the miracle you were asking for. Maybe not exactly as you saw it, but one that God who is far wiser chose to grant you. It seems to me quite the miracle that after so much time and frustration, you now coincidentally chose to reflect and gain a new perspective for how far you have come. It sounds as though you were graced with acceptance and great appreciation for the amazing woman you are. Finally being given that peace of mind is indeed a miracle!

I am so very, very happy for you Katrina. There is nothing like peace of mind, it's quite a gift. Don't ever let anyone take it away from you.

Love,

Maria :mwah:

Katrina,

Enjoy your break and time to take a breather. Just don't burn yourself out running on that hamster wheel. You don't need your left hand to achieve the same level of excellence in grad school. Don't let your disability define your future, allow your potential to do that.

Imagine if you had put your education on hold to work on your arm. Where would you be now?

If by some miracle your arm came back tomorrow, would that be enough? What do you really want most for your life? Don't spend it being a stroke survivor who devotes it to trying to get better but never moving forward elsewhere. It seems you decided not to do that long ago, why turn back now.

Albeit this is an immensely amazing accomplishment, keep going forward and take advantage of all life has to offer.

Love,

Maria :mwah:

Marie,

I am so sorry for your loss Marie. Please know you have my sincerest condolences and you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.

Love,

Maria

Donia,

:friends:too! It's great you have a good attitude about just letting it go. I always looked at anger and hatred as useless emotions that only serve to bring you down and consume you with negativity. Just ignoring it by not allowing someone to push your buttons and control your emotions is the best thing you can do for yourself.

You're a sweetiepie and are loved by your friends here.

Maria :mwah: