Lastnight I started to write an entry but I stopped crying after my first sentence so I assumed it was just side effects of the medicine and decided to wait til I was calm to update. I am going to call the doctor and pharmacist tomorrow to ask about the side effects. I started school on Friday and I just feel so pessimistic about this semester. My classes are so spread out on campus that I can barely get to them in 10 minutes because the buildings are spread so far apart. I know first days are
I am having a good year so far. As I said in my last entry, I am driving very well especially in my dad's new SUV. It is just harder to park. I have started saving for a car. I just hope I can get a license and ofcourse more practice before driving alone. I just found out one of my medicines causes dizziness. I guess the pharmacist just decided to put the stickr on the bottle. So the medicine that I take for seizures, and the baclofen for spasticity both cause dizziness and constipation. But th
Sorry I have not updated my blog in a while. The meds have had me on an emotional rollercoaster. I didnt want to write 1 sad entry then have to write another one right after posting the first because I was no longer sad. I cant wait to go back to the doctor to see what he can do about the meds. Well I got my first B. The one teacher who doesn't believe in "perfect scores", the one teacher who I reported to the department chair, and the man who lost half of my test papers at the end of the year l
My seizure medication has been switched to the generic brand. This led me to research side effects. I found that it as well as the brand name both have side effects like fear, mood changes, depresion, thoughts of suicide, dizziness, constipation, and loss of coordination. It seems like I hav experienced quite a few of these symptoms so I gues it is the meds that could explain for the things I was concerned about. I am thinking about asking the doc to be taken off of the seizure med because I hav
I want to start off by apologizing to those of you who read my blog because I know it has been so depressing. I always expect you all to have something good to say no matter how negative my blog is and I thank you all so much. I notice that I seldom write about the good things but everytime Im sad I write. Its not that I want to bring you all down and make you think my life is so horrible. Its just I guess writing is my therapy when I am sad and you all are always so supportive. Well lately I ha
Feelng overwhelmed with school, I decided to express myself through poetry
How could you do this to me?
No longer my friend
You've become my enemy
Remember when you were life to me?
Well lately you've been putting me down
How could you give me a C?
Because of you my life hasnt been the same
I walk to class with my head down.
I no longer look forward to going to class
I get my papers back with a frown.
You make things so difficult
How can I ever make my daddy proud?
You
Well yesterday I kind of had a pity party. I was standing in line in he cafeteria and the tray was just too heavy. The lines usually arent that long but there was a different setup for the food. The tray was just too heavy and there was nowhere for me to rest it and I didnt know anyone around me and didnt feel comfortable asking a stranger to hold my tray while they are holding their own on top of standing their for a long time waiting in line so I just left. I barely got through my door before
Yes I hate school. Why am I not making As? I am doing the same exact things I did last year yet I have gotten stupid this year. So what should I do? Work my butt off, stress out, and wanna die when I kiss the 4.0 goodbye? Or just keep trying and accept that I am not as smart as everyone expects me to be? I just dont understand. Finals are coming up and I am more nervous than ever because I only have an A in ONE out of my FIVE classes so far. Im worried about every single class. I havent made any
Well yesterday wasent so bad. Not eating didnt really bother me and I found that drinking the stuff through a straw realy fast wasent so bad. I mixed in a cherry flavor pack so it kind of tasted like strawberry milk. It wasent until 2 hours later when it started working that the naussea and vomiting started. It took everything in me to finish the entire 4 liters. I went to sleep at about 2:00am and had to get up at 6am. The procedure went well. There was no cancer or polyps. I have a hemorrhoid
Today I was walking up stairs and I fell. Luckily, my boyfriend was right behind me so he helped me up. Ofcourse I fell on my left side so now my knee hurts and for a couple of seconds after I fell, I was limping. I lose my balance a lot. This didnt used to happen. I feel dizzy often like I am going to have a seizure and lose my balance a lot like I am going to fall. But remember the MRI and EEG showed that nothing is wrong with my brain so I dont know. This was my 2nd time falling since last ue
Well I really havent been doing much lately. I have to complete 30 hours of community service for my scholarship requirement but I am still waiting on organizations to contact me. I have not started tutoring yet because I need transportation. On Saturday I went to a mentor training because I was invited to mentor children with incarcerated parents and at risk youth. but i dont think I want to do it. I think Im a great role model but I dont have transportation and as a mentor I would have to pick
i decided to post my poem today since I will probably be busy all day tomorrow. I hope you all enjoy!
7 years ago I couldnt lift my head
confined to the hospital bed, the surgeons thought i was dead
they told my family the chaplain was on his way
the devil wanted to take me
but God wanted me to stay
They said I might not make it through the night
but they didnt know I was a warrior
prepared to fight
They said after so much brain damage I wouldnt remember a thing
so much st
Yesterday I told a friend of mine who is in a wheelchair, about the Association of Individuals with Disabilities and how I am trying to get it started and he said he would join. So I am finally getting support. Then today I met another guy in a wheelchair and he said he would join. He told me there are actally 16 or 17 other people on campus in wheelchairs and there is a blind professor on campus. And I thought I was the only disabled one! I really enjoyed talking to him. He didnt go into detail
Hello everybody,
Well I did not do so well on midterms. I have 4 out of 5 of my grades posted. 2 As, 1 B, and 1 C so far. I cant really feel relieved that midterms are over. Instead, it is more stress for me to do better. I do pat myself on the back for pulling a B and C in the clases I had Fs in. I am now a team leader and financial secretary in one of the clubs Im in and the webmaster of another club. I am also a member of 2 other clubs and 2 student leadership programs Soon I will be doing
I just wanted to let you all know im ok so you can stop pming, commenting, and e-mailing. I appreciate you all. I am sorry for being rude. I was just really upset and I misplaced my anger. My emotions have been stable lately. I have not felt extremely great but not extremely sad either. I guess I am just trying to accept that things will never go back to the way they were when everything was perfect. I guess my freshman year was the highest point in my life and what made it even better was that
Look there is nothing I can do for myself. I talked to a psychologist years ago but my insurance would not cover it and i am too busy with school, community service, and clubs to even try to get a ride to the psychlogisyt everyday. antidepressants? nope. i attempted suicide a couple times before by overdosing on some old meds so no shrink is going to give me medicine. school sounselor? nope. i used to talk to her last year and she didnt help at all. this year she doesnt even return my phone call
I hate life. Its so stupid. Why do good things even happen if bad things follow it? Whats the point in getting happy just to get slapped in the face with sadness? Why do people attend your funeral but wasent even there to kep you from killing yourself. why is everyone so selfish. what is love?
fathers abandon sons
mothers choose men over daugters
families hate each other
friends forget about each other
husband and wife divorce
people say no one can love me until i love myself. but ho
I kind of dont want to write this because Im tired of crying and expressing my emotions make me feel worse to think about how I feel. I feel depressed. I feel so sad. There is so many bad things in my life and nothing good. Times like this I cant even think of a reason to smile. One bad day turns into 2 bad days turns into a bad week turns into a bad weekend. My bad outweighs my good. Even when something good happens, Im so depressed that it doesnt even matter. At night, I cant sleep. When I wak
Lately I have been feeling really down and I know you all usually tell me to think of all that I accomplished my first year in college but that does not help anymore. It only makes things worse because it reminds me how wonderful last year was compared to this year. I started school a couple of weeks ago. I am now living in an apartment on campus with roommates so I feel more independent. but I also spend a lot of time alone in my room. Usually when I am sad, being at school or thinking of accom
Well I went to 2 more doctor appointments. The neurologist said the EEG and MRI didnt show anythng abnormal but I checked my blood pressure at the neurologist, pain management doctor, and drug store and everyone agreed that my blood pressure is very low. The pain management doc didnt have any new news for me. I showed him things like the hess, saeboflex, and walkaid from the Stroke Connections magazine but he said that I wouldnt qualify for any of that stuff unless I had a new stroke. So much fo
The DMV is allowing me to obtain a learner's permit! I just got the letter in the mail. The medical review board put cerain restrictions on my permit such as using the knob on the steering wheel and I can only drive with my dad. My dad really helped at the hearing. Fortunately, he has 2 SUVS that he drives and the board agrees that is the best vehicle for me to drive because another restriction they placed on my permit was that I have to drive with bigger mirrors and the mirrors on his suvs are
Last week I went to see the pain management doctor. He put me on naproxen for the arthritis and it seems to be working. He also said the knee brace I bought from Wal Mart was not working so I have an appointment on Monday to get sized for another AFO. He also told me the wrist support I was wearing was not helping and to wear the splint which straightens my wrist and fingers as much as possible. Sometime it is discouraging seeing him because he always prescribes medicine. I am up to 2030 mg of m
My trip was very relaxing. Our hotel was oceanfront so at night we just go to sleep with the window open and listen to the ocean. I liked staying in the resort but I did not like the beach so much. For one, I wore sandals so the sand and rocks got in my shoes and hurt my left foot. I dont know about you all but a crumb feels like a nail to the bottom of my affected foot so those seashells and rocks made it hard for me to walk whenever they got in my shoe especially when the sand was really thick
My birthday was so wonderful! It started with my boyfriend taking me to a fancy japanese restaurant where the chef coks the food at a stovetop in the midde of your dinner table and does funny tricks like flip the bowl in his hat and stuff. The food was great! (It was my first time eating japanese food). It was so much fun. Afterwards, I got my real present, an 18 kt gold over sterling silver bracelet! with pink sapphires! Then we went to watch a movie. I was smiling from ear to ear! When I final
Well I decided not to take no for an answer with the driving thing. I am now waiting to be scheduled for a hearing. One day last week after dwelling on the past, I got really upset and had a pity party. but instead of throwing in the towel, I decided I am going to go in front of the medical review board myself and make them allow me to atleast try for a learner's permit. My dad said he put the letter in the mail on monday and when i called today, it hadent been received yet but i was informed th
